maddie d4.

Mom says I'm too much of a pushover, but she's the one who raised me to be kind to everyone and always be on my best behaviour. Bit hypocritical - not that I'd dare tell her that. You'd think a girl without siblings would have learned how to fight my own battles but I try to steer clear of those where I can. The metaphorical ones, at least.

At Career training I'll throw my whole heart into a fight but I'll always apologise if I hurt anyone, throw up a smile or a thumbs up, congratulate an opponent's win or extend my hand out to the one I've pinned to the floor. The trainers tell me I'll win over the audience but won't have a chance in hell of being a Victor if I can't fight viciously. I suppose that's true, but look at Ridley and Beck. They had friends in the arena, and they still came out with crowns on their heads. If it worked for them, why not me too?

Speaking of friends, I got loads! Always have, always will, but sometimes I get in trouble calling everyone 'bestie'. Because then everyone I've called bestie gets jealous at all the other people I call bestie and then I've got seven girls cornering me demanding to know who I like the most and it's just a lot, you know? They backed off when I had a panic attack in the cloak bay at school. Haha - whoops! You can say I get overwhelmed, that my kindness can sometimes cause more problems than it should. But I didn't mean to make anyone jealous. I just wanted everyone to like me!

After that incident Mom took me to a therapist and it turns out I've got a hyper-active brain. Who woulda thunk?! It made sense, I always liked doing things and it's why I loved Career training. Never mind the boring ocean, I wanted to swing spears around and play capture the flag and try everything out at once - I'm not incredible, even though I'd love to be the best, but I have fun! And Mom always said I'd get so obsessed with people or ideas or far-fetched dreams. I think swimming in fantasy ideas of fame and people screaming my name made up for the fact that I don't have a Dad, well, at least my therapist thinks that. I just nod and go, okay, that makes sense, you're right - because I want her to like me!

My therapist says I can't please everybody and that I can't control the thoughts and opinions of others, but I can at least influence them right? Like how I don't tell anyone I go to therapy so I don't make them think there's something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong!!! Don't get me wrong!!! I just have a hard time with focusing on stuff you know? She says I should practice meditation but like that's boring? So I just put on music and dance it out in my room with the curtains shut so nobody sees me from the road and think I'm a loony that goes to therapy. 

She also says I shouldn't try and fit in, that if I want to be a star I should stand out. But like, Annie AND Leon have blonde hair and it's all the rage at school, so what's wrong with that? I like braiding it like Annie's, taking one of her Victory Tour posters now tacked up in my room and braiding and braiding and braiding until my knuckles ache, Mom saying I'm going to get early-onset arthritis. I wish I had her hair and make-up team to teach me. One time I thought about putting a strand of pink in it but I stayed awake all night deliberating if people would make fun of me or not. If we try look too Capitol we're wannabees, if we try look too District we might as well be from Twelve. And it's not like Mom has money to spare on fancy clothes and weapons - nothing wrong with a loan spear, but god I'd love a sparkly metallic trident like those Krigel kids have.

Not that I'm jealous or anything!!! I'm just... admiring them! Constantly! Okay maybe I am jealous. It's hard not to be, okay? Sometimes I just want something so badly it hurts twice as hard when I see someone else with what I don't have. I hear that India girl bragging about how her Dad sends her stuff and how she's always at Annie's house and it's just not fair! I'm just as good as her, kinda, but without the last name and my grandpa being the mayor! I don't even know my grandparents, well, not my Dad's, whoever he is. My Mom's parents don't really talk to us because she had me when she was eighteen and she couldn't volunteer and they cut her off. Which sucks, and I guess makes sense as to why she wants me to be the best version of myself - but like, it's not my fault I was born!! If I could choose, I'd be a Krigel and she'd be a victor and we'd both be happy. 

My therapist says that my Mom trying to live through me and setting extremely high expectations is really unhealthy and trying to be perfect is the way I cope with it which manifests anxiety or something, which, I guess? But my Mom doesn't mean to make me feel stressed. She just wants the best for me. And I'd be high-strung too if all of that happened. The least I can do is try to be the best daughter I can be. I'm the reason she's where she is today! And it's not like she put me up for adoption, you know, she wanted to keep me because she loves me. So she's... not all bad!

At least that's what I tell myself to cope. Anyway - hi, I'm Maddie! Wanna be besties?