memories of dying days [catherine spark, oneshot series]

"As the telling signs of age rain down
A single tear is droppin'
Through the valleys of an aging face
That this world has forgotten"

~

The morning of the 85th reaping, pre-reaping:

You'd think that at fifty I'd have my life together, but I'm three years away that and I'm not even close. One would probably think, hey, you're the mayor, you know what you're doing with your life. Hey, you're the mayor, you're well off. No. Wrong. Yes, I'm the mayor, and when I first became mayor I had myself at least somewhat together, but that's not the case anymore.

I had a hard enough time handling Bolts and Florence being reaped and their lives ripped away, but I had started to recover by the time I became mayor. I wasn't mayor for long, though, before Dusty volunteered. Volunteered. I had to have failed as a mother for my child to feel the need to volunteer her life away. What had I done wrong? What could I have done better? I suppose I'll never know.

Joule insists that I'm the best mother anyone could ever have, but I'm sure she's just saying that to make me feel better. I've clearly not done well enough.

I know that one child leaving me shouldn't be more difficult than another, but I suppose it's the way that Dusty left that made it so much harder. She was the third of my children to be killed, though. Shouldn't it get easier? No. How could something like that ever get easier?

I still have two children of my own in the reaping. Leopold has some of his children and grandchildren in the reaping, too. I don't know if I could handle any more loss. At least, I wouldn't be able to be a sufficient mayor if we lost another Spark. I'm hardly a sufficient mayor as it is, and I'm certainly not a sufficient mother.

The reaping is today, and I'm helping Cal and Joesph get ready.

They're going to be okay, I have to tell myself. They'll be fine.

Will they be, though? I told myself that with Bolts. I told myself that with Florence. I told myself that with Dusty. None of them were okay, in the end.

Cordelia and Joule were safe, yes, but there were still two of my children at risk.

Cal insisted on wearing Joule's old reaping dress this year, as she finally fit into it. She insisted that it would bring her good luck and safety. How could I say no to that?

I had to be ready for this reaping. It was almost time. I hugged Cal and Joseph, telling them that everything would be okay.

Although, I was really the one who needed the reassurance.

~
lyrics: "Savior" by Rise Against