give your tears to the tide. jacinta & mackenzie.

set your dreams
where nobody hides
give your tears
to the tides

Dusk has fallen over District Seven. The sky, a gradient of lavender and navy blue, is blanketed with clouds, and the air smells like rain. It is likely going to storm through the night.

Jacinta is sitting on the sofa in her house, staring at the flames dancing in the mouth of the fireplace. Her hands are at her temples, her elbows perched on her knees. Marley and Maxine left Mackenzie's house ten minutes ago, meaning that he is alone; she saw them from her window. She has to tell him. It's now or never.

She rises from her seat and goes to the door, leaving the positive pregnancy test on the coffee table.

— ❧ —


( an hour earlier )

She is leaning up against the bathroom sink by her hands, her arms trembling. Her expression is still as stone, her eyes hard like steel, as she looks at the two lines on the pregnancy test over and over again. She keeps blinking, as if this is all mirage that can just go away if she wills it hard enough.

Jacinta has taken four tests now. The other three are sitting in the trash can — she threw them there in her frustration, unwilling to accept the results.

This cannot be real. She cannot be a mother. She never wanted to be one. She doesn't know how to be one; her mother, Marina, is not exactly an exemplary role model. How could she raise a child in a world like this, where they would surely become fodder for the Reaping? It would be Violet Salazar all over again, she would raise the child just to lose it like she lost her sister and it would be her fault, her fault —

No, stop. She can't go down that path in her mind. She cannot protect herself if she does.

The once forgotten, yet familiar burn of tears welling up in her eyes returns for the first time in years. She hasn't cried since — since Violet died in the 78th. They threaten to brim over and spill onto her cheeks, but she holds them back. She is all alone but she is still embarrassed that every fiber of her being is urging her to cry, to just let it all out. It's a crack her in armor, which she had once thought to be impenetrable, but it fissures as if it is made of glass.

Jacinta's hands curl into fists, her fingernails digging into her palms. She has to bite her lip to stop herself from letting out a sob. Instead, the sound is reduced to a hoarse whimper.

She tries to think of Mackenzie to comfort herself, but it only makes her stomach churn. Jacinta doesn't know what he might say — would he even want this with her? It's a child, not a ring, but it will tie them together forever regardless if their romance fades.

Dread begins to seep in as she realizes that she has to tell him. She has shared many things with Mackenzie, has told him more about herself than anyone else, but there are also many secrets that she still covets. Jacinta has always preferred to keep everything bottled up inside, but this secret cannot stay hidden. It won't be long now before she has a bump, and she can't hide it with heavy winter clothes once the warm weather returns for spring and summer.

She draws in a deep breath, but it does nothing to steady her. Her world is crumbling around her and she is helpless to stop it.

— ❧ —


( present )

Jacinta leaves her house wearing a scarlet-red peacoat over a white turtleneck, black form-fitting pants, and black boots. Frazzled and in a rush, she neglects to wear gloves despite the frigidity outside.

She hesitates once she reaches Mackenzie's door. Jacinta looks behind her at her house across the street and gets a sudden urge to turn back and hide herself within the safety of its walls. But she cannot hide from the life growing inside her or from the responsibility that comes with it.

As she rings the doorbell, her heart lurches with a sudden rush of nerves and adrenaline, as if she's just jumped over a great endless chasm.

Usually, when Mackenzie comes to the door, she feels warm and fuzzy inside. But this time, she is nauseated when he greets her and lets her in. His kind smile, which is usually comforting, only sends a sharp pang of anxiety to her chest and then down into her stomach.

She doesn't leave him hanging for long. She knows he must realize something is wrong by her expression alone. He's always been frustratingly good at reading her.

"Mackenzie, I — something has happened," she starts. Jacinta hates how shaky her voice sounds, but she forces herself to continue anyway. It's too late to back down now.

She is struggling to speak; her throat closes up as she is flooded with dread once again.

Somehow, she is more afraid now than she was when Cynthia had her on the brink of death. At least she knew what would happen to her if she died back then — she would fall over and everything would go black forever. But now, standing before Mackenzie with the most explosive secret she's ever carried on the tip of her tongue, she is faced with uncertainty and vulnerability. Death is concrete and definite, but this is completely uncharted territory.

Her own fear is suffocating her. It used to bring her to life, not shut her down. Maybe she just isn't as strong as she used to be.

"I — I um..." Jacinta has to stop herself as her eyes begin to burn with unreleased tears again. The memory of Violet comes back to haunt her again, this time slamming into her mind full-force. She can do nothing to stop it now. She can do nothing but let herself feel everything she's been holding back for six long years.

Their child is going to die. In twelve to eighteen years from now, she is going to have to watch her child die on television just like Violet. She's going to lose it, like she lost Jezebel, Clementa, and Violet.

The echo of her sister's last words rips through her mind —

"I tried, Jacinta."

Her voice distorts and its pitch turns higher, mimicking the voice of a child.

"I tried, Mom, Dad..."

Her heart is so full of despair that it feels as if it may burst.

And then it does. Finally, after six years, everything breaks loose.

Like water erupting from a dam, the tears gathering in her eyes suddenly spill onto her cheeks. She blinks in surprise as she feels the heat of the droplets on her skin. Jacinta has forgotten what this feels like.

Mackenzie has only ever seen her cry on television, when Clementa died. But she shed only a single tear then. Now, there are rivers of tears falling down to her jaw. She can't stop them — the more she tries to hold them in, the more tears break free.

Jacinta gives in and just lets them fall. As much as it makes her feel weak and utterly helpless, she lets them. For once, she lets herself be vulnerable — she lets Mackenzie see a part of her that she's kept under lock and key for years.

It takes all of her strength to say the words, but she finally does.

"Mackenzie, I'm pregnant."

Another wave of tears brim over her eyes and drips down her face.

no time, no time
there's no end
there is no goodbye
disappear into the night