always have and i always will / ezra jb

He asks to speak to his sisters alone. He tells them he isn’t coming home. He says, “I don’t want you to get your hopes up. I’m strong, but not that strong.” He says he’ll try as hard as he can but he knows he couldn’t beat a career. He tells them that they’re going to have to trust their parents. It’s okay to confide in them. They might be mad at first, at whatever you’ve done, but it’s only because they love you. If you don’t want to talk to them, write down how you feel and shove it where nobody can see it. Just don’t let it consume you. He tells them to ask Alya to teach them how to cook. “She’ll do it,” he says, “Even though she’ll act like she doesn’t want to.” He says his recipes are stashed in his bedside table. Read them, read them over and over. Don’t spill anything on them, I don’t know if the paper can hold, but it’s fine if you do, you can always just rewrite them. You’re going to get so good at cooking that you won’t even need the recipes anymore. Don’t look at me like that. You girls are smart, I know you are.

His oldest sister nods. Her lip is stiff. He tells her it’s okay if she cries, but she says, “I’m waiting until you can’t see me.”

His middle sister says nothing, but the tears streaming down her face say enough.

His youngest sister holds onto his leg and says she’s going to miss him, over and over and over. Ezra thinks she’ll probably grow up to resent him, resent him for going off and dying and leaving them without a brother. That doesn’t matter to him. As long as she at least remembers him, and his name, and that he existed, he doesn’t care if she ends up hating him forever.