before we go (kiah)

It took her some time to process what was happening right in front of her. Jade blinked, staring at the other girl in absolute confusion. Then, slowly, she turned her attention back to the now gone steak. She blinked again, bewildered. Did that really just happen? It was hard for the girl to comprehend. She'd been raised by a well off family. Most of them may have hated each other, but they had good table manners whether they'd wanted to or not. It was just part of the grooming your kids process that they'd each gone through. And one thing was very obvious here: it was not proper manners to place one's dirty fingers on someone else's food. Even if they were not in the process of eating it.

"Excuse me," she said, finally turning back to the face the manner-less steak thief. "Are you blind or something, because that clearly belonged to me."

Even if that girl had been raised in the poor Districts, well the food here wasn't scarce! Who said she couldn't get another serving herself? Then, she shoved her plate in the other girl's direction with a little more force than was probably necessary. At this point, she'd decided that there was no point in eating from that plate any longer. It was dirty.

Of course, Jade hadn't exactly shown proper manners herself when she'd been attacking and poking at her food, and if she'd thought back on it she'd be annoyed by her own behavior. That, she figured, was very different from stealing her food! Besides, some table manners could be excused when they were all stressed out and afraid waiting for the games. That was different, but she also figured that there was a very distinct line that one should not cross under any circumstances and that was just stealing someone else's food.

Almost worse was the fact that the girl would not shut up. In fact, she'd hardly even acknowledged the fact that she'd just stolen Jade's meal! None of her mentors had prepared her properly for the lower classes or the blabber mouths. Well, she'd dealt with blabber mouths before, of course, and most of them she'd punched. And she wished that she could just punch this girl already and get it over with, but she was aware it would have to wait until the Games. Fighting other tributes before the Games was forbidden.

"IF you make it back," Jade growled. 

It stung, she realized. It stung when the girl mentioned making it back home to tell her family about this food. It stung because she realized that it wasn't only her. Others wanted to make it out of this arena just as badly as she did, and that was not something she wanted to think about. Jade didn't want to hear about another girl making it out alive, either, because if this annoying girl did make it out of the arena that would have meant that she would have died. Before Volunteering, Jade had thought she had been prepared for that. She wasn't dumb: she had re-watched previous Hunger Games so many times growing up that she knew dying was a risk no matter how good she was.

No, she hadn't fully realized that, either. She had only told herself that she had, so that she wouldn't feel like a silly little girl. She had, in fact, thought that she could make it out of the Games alive. She had thought that enough training was going to buy that ticket out of the Games. She had thought it was going to be a piece of cake and she'd be able to come home a Victor and she'd be - no, she couldn't think about that. She wouldn't think about that. It was too close to the truth. Too close to realizing why she'd volunteered in the first place. Making it home to be loved. She couldn't allow herself to realize that she'd Volunteered in order to receive the love that she'd always craved.

The girl's voice brought her back to the annoying reality. Arabella. District 11. Annoying. Jade resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Instead, she managed a small nod at her own name. Obviously, the other girl had watched the Reaping. Then the girl kept talking, and the next things out of her mouth made Jade's eyes widen. Oh, she'd been watching Jade for a while, hadn't she? Her cheeks heated, but it wasn't with embarrassment this time. Oh, she was angry now.

Your parents never taught you any manners," Jade finally hissed. "Of course, because I have nothing better to think about now that we're in the Hunger Games, right?"

Jade wished she could use this girl as a punching bag. That would make it all better, wouldn't it? Love? A rivalry between best friends? What was this, some kind of messed up fairy tale?!

Some time went by, and it was actually quiet. Peaceful. That annoying girl that had decided to sit next to her and talk, and talk, and talk had finally shut up. Jade was pretty sure it must have been something she'd said, and she didn't know what it was, but she felt instant relief. In fact, with the earlier interruption and the following peace she'd felt so much better that she felt maybe she could eat again. She grabbed her fork and went to stab a piece of meat with it, but all she'd managed was to stab her fork into the table. Her eyes widened, then growled when the memory of the rude girl taking her steak had made its way to her head. She sent the girl another glare, before chucking her fork across the table. She had felt some pleasure in that release. She'd watched the metal fork fall to the ground with a satisfying clang.

The words that followed almost caused her to wince, and for a very brief moment she'd felt a wave of sympathy. Jade wasn't a heartless girl, even if she wasn't the most sensitive, either. She hadn't meant to hurt the girl, and a part of her even understood. Oh, her parents were very much alive, but they'd never once been like real parents. She'd never had people that would hug her and make it all better, and she yearned for that. So, while her parents were very much alive, she did understand what it was like to miss out on that love and attention other kids were so freely given. However, when she remembered the girl's previous rudeness and the fact that the other girl needed to die in order for Jade to live, she was able to push that sympathy back.

Sympathy for others wasn't exactly going to keep her alive, now was it? Right now, she needed to look for allies to go into the arena with her, and then she'd have to kill them too. Jade was going to make it back to District One a Victor, and she was going to bring glory back home. That meant this little girl was most certainly an enemy, and she needed to remember that. She couldn't allow herself to understand the girl's pain, not if she wanted to easily stab in her in the back later on. That was the harsh truth of the Hunger Games. In order to survive, every other kid, no matter their personal sob story, had to die. And she would not allow one of them to influence her. She was going to make it back home, so she merely glared back at the girl.

However, if the girl had been paying close enough attention, she may have noticed the shift in her facial features. At first, there had been a softness to her expression, her lips had quavered just slightly, and she had looked uncertain. It was only for that brief moment, and an untrained eye could have missed it all the same. Now, her glare was back, her eyes staring daggers at the other girl. Weakness was not something allowed in the Morin household, and she would remember that. She would be the only one making it back home.

Even so, she had no comment for the other girl's misery. She couldn't bring herself to verbally attack the other girl's lack of manners without parents to teach her, and she let it go. The tension was likely still in the air, but she wouldn't say anything. She bit back any mean retort she had mustered, because she wouldn't go that low. She wasn't really sure why, but she would not do it.

The girl's change in emotions had caught her off guard, and for a moment she was at a complete loss of what to do. She hadn't dealt with weak people all that much. Even her youngest brother couldn't be called super emotional, because emotions like that simply weren't allowed in the Morin household. Not that the other girl had cried or anything, but she could see the change in expression. The inner conflict, even though she didn't understand the battle. She leaned back against her chair then, not really knowing what to do. She didn't really care to make the girl feel better: a broken enemy would suit her better. At the same time, she felt that guilt creeping in and she didn't understand that, either. Why should she feel guilt toward an enemy?

Had she ever felt guilty back in District One when she won a fight? Jade couldn't recall ever feeling guilt over breaking bones or making scars. In fact, she had been proud of herself for the cause. That had meant that she was stronger than they were, and that had served to fuel her confidence. It is also the only thing she had ever really known and she had placed her self worth on those fights. Her worth was in the way she performed, because that's the only way she was ever really acknowledged. Unfortunately, she did not really realize this.

Then, she heard the annoying girl speak again. Her eyes found the girl once more, and she was finding it difficult not to roll her eyes when she listened to the other girl speak. It was dumb and made no sense to Jade. "You can't master a skill in two weeks, no." Jade responded. "But you can learn something, and it's far better to learn something than stare at the people you need to kill and ask them a million questions." Her voice was mixed with both annoyance and something else she couldn't really put her finger on. Why had she told the girl that? She could have snapped at her. She could have ignored her. She could have walked out of the dining area and left the girl alone, but instead she'd said that. Sure, it wasn't exactly groundbreaking information. It was probably something any mentor could have easily told her. Or, anyone with a brain really, she figured. It may not have been helpful, but it wasn't mean, either and she couldn't understand that.

And the chattering girl continued chattering. She didn't know who this Ellen person was, but Jade was sure it wasn't a Victor and so she figured the person mentioned wasn't all that important. Maybe she was some friend, and if they hadn't been in the Games, what was the use in listening to them? "Well, you aren't doing your best, are you?" Jade asked her, eyes staring at the other girl's. "Not thinking about the Games isn't going to help you. Asking your opponents silly questions aren't going to help, either. You should be learning, because even if you can't master something, you can still be better at it than another person who's only just started practicing."

Jade swallowed. What was she thinking? The Hunger Games were really getting to her head. Here she was helping her stupid, annoying opponent. She didn't even like the girl, and yet she wasn't chasing her away, either. She was annoying, rude, and obnoxious.

And Jade understood what it was like to not be loved by her parents.

And maybe that's all that mattered.

The next words out of the girl's mouth finally made her roll her eyes. Cupcakes. What kind of silly girl was she talking to anyway?! Who cared about cupcakes when they were being sent into an arena to die?

Subconsciously, she pulled at the pin on her chest. A reminder of why she was in these Games in the first place. A reminder of why she had to go back home. A reminder that she also didn't want. It wasn't warmth or love that the pin represented. So many tributes always had things that reminded them of warmth, happiness, of home, but that wasn't the same for Jade. Her pin was cold, and it was weight. A pressure. Success at all costs, or she would have nothing. The carving made by her youngest siblings, that's what she'd rather take into the Hunger Games. She was beginning to realize that they were the only warmth she'd ever had, and even that she didn't really accept. She kept everything and everyone at arm's length without ever really realizing it. She'd protected her siblings and done her duty as an older sister, but she had never considered their feelings or wants and desires. It had always been more selfish her way of thinking, and now she regretted it. Now that she may never get the chance to make up for it.

Now that she may never get the chance at warmth and love that she desired, without even fully realizing it. She just felt a dull yearn, one that made her cry herself to sleep at times in her lonely bedroom in the Capitol. Yearning for something she'd never had, because none of the Morin siblings were good at showing their true feelings. Gunner and Dagger were both close, but just as distant as she was. Right before the Games, that was probably the closest they'd ever allowed themselves to be, because emotions were weakness. Weakness used against them in competitions, family quarrels, and everything else. Nothing was ever safe back home. Nothing was ever given. And she desperately wanted to go back and right all those wrongs, but the only way she could do that was to come home a Victor. Only then could there be any change.

The girl's voice brought her back to reality. Huh. She'd almost forgotten she had been talking to the other girl. She'd been annoying, and Jade had easily tuned her out. Apparently, she realized, not for long enough. A sigh escaped her lips as she listened to the girl speak, and she wondered what sort of empty space resided in the girl's head. How on earth did a girl with no parents have such an empty head? Jade couldn't help but wonder that, because she had always imagined kids who grew up without love or parents would be harsh, cold, and strong. Warriors, more like Jade was. This girl...Jade looked her over with slight amusement, was dreamy. Jade could barely see the girl's point. Reactions. Getting to know people? Blah, blah, blah...you stabbed 'em with the pointy end, or they stabbed you. That's how it worked, and it was really pretty simple. Speeches weren't going to stop the pointy end from meeting their target, and she could just not listen to the girl in the arena, but she realized letting the girl know that would be silly. Let the girl dream about reactions, speeches, and knowing people making any sort of difference.

Jade snorted with real humor when the girl had her pegged. Yeah, that's exactly what she was thinking, and she wasn't ashamed about it. Her eyes met the dreamy girl's and she simply grinned at her. Huh. The annoyance was gone, drifting away with ease. Her inner thoughts had completely changed the mood, showed the humor. None of this was important in the end. This girl. She had to die in order for Jade to win. That was the truth, and if she was going to walk out a Victor, that's all that could matter. Deep down inside, she realized that killing this girl would make her unhappy. She didn't know to what extent, but there was something both annoying, and intriguing about this girl. The fact that she had no parents. There was a sort of kinship, but there was something deeper too. Maybe it was the fact that even though the girl had no parents she wasn't cold, and that's simply something Jade didn't know could happen.

What made her so...normal? So dreamlike? She wanted to know. She wanted to find out. She wanted what this girl had - no, she couldn't, because this girl was a dead girl walking. Had to be, because Jade had to live and only person walked out of that arena alive. There was just no way that the Capitol would use the same Quell twist twice in a row. Everyone - but her - had to die and that was just the cold hard truth. A part of her didn't want that, however. A part of her liked this annoying girl. Wanted to be like her. Wanted what she had, but she would never have it. Never understand it, and she could only deal with what she had.

Just as she was about to open her mouth to speak, the girl spoke again and she couldn't help but laugh out loud. A wise person once said? What nonsense was this? She looked the girl over, humor in her eyes. The girl said some really silly things. Did those words matter? Did any words matter? Walk out a warrior? Hah! It may even be somewhat true. The events they would face in the arena, well they could make anyone into warriors. She'd watched unlikely Victors before, that was true enough, but she also knew how much luck was involved with their wins. It wasn't because they'd become warriors, per say, sometimes it was just because they were luckiest. This girl could possibly be lucky, she supposed, but she looked too easy to break. To crumble. When those dreams became fountains of blood rather than pink clouds, how was she going to get out alive?

"If you aren't a Warrior before you step foot into that arena, do you think you can deal with the repercussions of winning or will you wilt the moment that you win and realize everyone else has died?" Would she actually be a winner then, that's what she almost added on, but refrained from it. That was enough. Even she would face some pain after winning, even she knew that, but she could deal with it. She was a warrior, and she knew the consequences. Not to the extent that she would if she really did win, but she knew it wasn't a pretty pink cloud moment, either.

Jade knew she'd hurt when she realized Arabella died. She'd hurt when her District partner died too. She'd hurt even more if she'd had to do it herself, but she was cold. And she'd lived a life without warmth and she knew that she wouldn't wilt under the pressure. She'd hold her head up high and be that warrior.

At least, that's what she really believes, but truth be told, she hasn't faced the events yet herself.

Jade realizes that the girl's sudden anger doesn't bother her in the least. Suddenly, she's grinning up at the angered girl. Wow, she did have sudden temper tantrums, didn't she? She wore nothing but an amused expression as she looked at the girl get all fired up. She leaned back against her chair, and simply stared at the girl.

"Don't like the truth?" She asked, voice calm, but firm. "I can tell based on one conversation, because you're busy talking to me. Stealing my food, but not even thinking about the future at all. Got any plans for once you enter? You, treating me like a magazine tabloid, rather than thinking about how you're going to get out of this alive. How you're going to have to fight people like me. Treating me like a person, when you know everyone here has to die if you want to live, or do you not realize that at all?"

The words suck out the humor. It was no longer funny, because Jade shouldn't have said that at all. Shouldn't have let her know that she should be cold and steel and armor and not warmth and fire and dreams. That was her strength, her power, and her way of living. She shouldn't teach this girl how to survive, she should be encouraging her silly dreams because that kept her weak and easy kill. An easy victim rather than a target, but deep down inside Jade Morin liked this girl who was also annoying and silly and dreamy and all the things she wished she'd ever been given the chance to be.