anchor you . kiah . day 3

Meredith releases her arm leaving Arabella's wrist aching slightly. But she doesn't complain, rubbing her wrist with her free hand. Glancing down she notices a small ring of red where her fingers hand wrapped around her in an iron grip. Shortly after the career marches away, leaving the group of broken tributes to pick themselves up, and dust themselves off. Arabella finds herself seated on the ground, sharp gems poking her in the buttocks as she wraps her arms around her knees, hugging them close.

She doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at Lysander and Cyro, her mind preoccupied in her own self wallowing. Today she had killed a girl. She had thrown a knife into a girls eye. How does one come back from that? Every time she closed her eyes she could see it, see the knife burry itself into the girls eyes, body crashing to the ground. Lifeless. The cries of the girls allies, the people who most likely had become close to her like the way she had with Cyro, Mer and even Lysander in her own way.

She doesn't know how long she sits like this, but long enough to not notice Merediths return. She kneels down in front of her, a hand placed on Arabella's arm. “What’d you expect Arabella? To get to the end and everyone to fall on their own swords so you could waltz on out of here?” The words bite into her skin, and Arabella visibly recoils, her eyes refusing to meet the girls from Two. Of course she had not believed that they would all commit seppuku, just so that she could live. And- and she knew at some stage that she would have to cross this line, to end the life of another child... But that didn't mean she was ready. That didn't mean she was ready to face the consequences of her actions.

Demanding hands find her shoulders, forcing Arabella's eyes to meet Merediths. “That’s not how it works-"

"I know thats not how it works!" Arabella snaps, anger seeping into her voice, but Meredith was not done talking. She tells her how she understands that its not easy, that it shouldn't be easy. "But if you can’t pick yourself up from this then you’re gonna get yourself killed. And that’s not fair to Hellemine, that’s not fair to me or Cyro or Lysander who are trying their goddamn best to go home.” The small seed of anger that had begun to blossom in her chest grows, and her eyes grow steely as she levels them with the career. “This isn’t the time to lose yourself, not unless you plan on following Helle into a grave.”

Thats when she snapped, ripping herself from the girls grip. "I just killed someone!" She retaliates, climbing to her feet. "I'm sorry if I can't push that to the back of my mind, sweep it under the rug and pretend it has not happened!" She hisses. How could she just expect her to forget what just happened? Wasn't she allowed to process what she had just done, wasn't she allowed to figure out how she was to deal with something like this? "I don't know about you, but I have not been trained for something like this. Growing up in Eleven you learn to farm, to deal with poverty and hunger. Not how to overcome becoming a killer.”

Blood on my hands

And the moonlit sand

But I'd die just to keep them under

As the words fell from Arabella's lips Meredith stood, crossing her arms defiantly as the anger in the depths of her eyes grew, like a storm turning into a cyclone. “Cry all you want, once you’re alive, back in district eleven. But how are you going to defend yourself if that alliance comes back? What? You going to politely ask them to hold for a minute so you can wipe your tears away?” She hisses, running an angry hand through her messy hair. The words only fuel Arabella's anger, her lips peeling back into a snarl.

"I'm sorry I have a fucking-" silently she sends and apology towards Ellen for her foul language- "heart." She throws back, arms place defensively on her hips. A day or two ago she would never have allowed herself to speak to the career like this, scared that she might bite her at the tone in her voice, but Arabella was already skating on thin ice, and she was ready to bite back. "I'm not an idiot," she growls, "Of course I understand that a fight isn't going to stop for I can wipe up my tears. But I won't apologise for caring! I won't apologise that I can't change who I am at the click of my fingers just because thats whats expected of me."

“People die all the fucking time,” tears spring to her eyes at the words, and temporally Arabella's anger is thawed, before regains its fire. "Yes, they die. They die of sickness, they die of old age. But they don't die by my hand." Her voices lowers, her eyes dropping to her feet for a moment as she fights the tidal wave of emotion that fills her, threatening to knock her off her feet. "Never, not once in my life, did I dream that I would be someone to kill another child!" She whimpers, her hands ringing over one another.

“They choose to believe that not killing someone is the better option, and every time they do it, they’re in a coffin, dead,” Meredith voice breaks, and Arabella tilts her gaze to meet the girls. “I don’t need you to pretend it hasn’t happened, I just need you to be strong enough to not let it get you killed.”

"How can killing someone be the better option?" she cries, tears of frustration springing to her eyes, "kill- killing will never be the best option." Her gaze seeks out the careers, "I- I dont want- want to die," she manages, her words getting stuck in her mouth. "But how can killing other children justify my right to make it home? To live and breathe another day?" The tears begin to fall as he had reaches for Merediths.

Drunk on a song

Of a lie gone wrong

You only find when you hit the bottom

"Yeah well, surprise surprise Arabella, the real world ain’t a fairy tale.” The words sting and Arabella finds herself flinching at the harshness behind them. The moment she had stepped on the train Katelyn had made sure to crush those ideas she had in her mind. Katelyn bombarded her with harsh truths, truths that had run circles in her mind every night. Arabella was not oblivious to this fact. She knew that this wasn't a fairytale, she knew that this life she was living was a nightmare, but it was her reality.

"You have killed someone with your own hands." She freezes, and she fights the urge to drop the girls hand, to hide the way that trembled. She had told her only just the other night that she was going to become a lion- fierce, strong and proud. But when it came down to it, she was just the lamb. She was scared, weak and pathetic. She was never going to be one of those hero's that she dreamed about, she was never going to become that warrior that she had promised Katelyn that she would become.

She had already paid the price: blood, sweat and tears. And yet she didn't feel transformed, in fact, she felt smaller than ever.

She meets Meredith eyes once again, hoping to see some sort of emotion. But they are empty, so empty that she could not see the bottom. She pulls her hand from Arabella's, placing it on her head, ”It’ll be okay,” she says. She supposed the gesture was supposed to comfort her, but Arabella could only feel the weight of it on her head. Arabella closes her eyes, cutting off the window to her soul, forcing a weak smile to spread across her lips.

"I'm sure it will be," the lie falls easily from her lips, as she excuses herself. She lays down on the gem littered earth, placing her head on her rucksack like a pillow. Closing her eyes she pulls the cloak up around her body, concealing her face, only then does she allow the tears to fall, as silents sobs rack through her body.

I will allow myself to cry now, I will allow my heart to hurt. But only for one night, she promises herself, deep down knowing that even though Meredith words hurt, they were the truth. In the games she didn’t have time to wallow, she didn't have time to allow the pain to consume her. She had to pick herself back up, she had to keep fighting, even though she knew that each time she swung her blade, she was losing a small piece of who she was, turning her into a girl she no longer recognised.

Ooo, ooo gonna bury me

Ooo, ooo gonna bury me