Post by mauve morganstern • 3f [kiah] on Aug 10, 2020 22:47:09 GMT -5
t a l l u l a h.
* * *
"They say you have are suffering from a rare memory loss disorder." He pauses, eyes examining my every move. Every twitch of my brow. Jump of the muscle in my jaw. Concern was dancing on the features of his face as he reached out, fingers brushing my shoulder gently as he pulls me in for a quick, tight, hug.
"How did it happen?" I ask quietly, his touch didn't feel warm. It felt like weight on my shoulders, weighing me down, as I held my breath. Waiting for him to tell me more.
"During the fire you were knocked on the head. Hard. It caused damage to your brain. In the area where you form new memories." Pushing me back gently he places two hands on my shoulders, eyes level with my own. "They cant tell us much more about it. Maybe.. Maybe if we lived in the capitol, or the upper districts, we would know more... But we don't. And.. And-" His eyes flash with hurt. Concern. The words stuck in his throat.
"What Jacob? Just say it." He didn't need to say it though. I could read the features of his face like a book I had read 1 million times. He was about to tell me that there was nothing that they could do. That there didn't seem to be a cure for my illness. That maybe I would be stuck in this loop for entirety. Forever forgetting the day. Stuck.
"They don't think there is a cure." He says quietly and I pull myself from his grip, a smile painted across my lips, floating on the surface.
"Okay."I had to get out of here. I needed some air. Some space. But where the hell was I?"Where are we? Whose house is this?"
"Our uncle." He says taking a seat at the small kitchen table. I wonder how he must feel each morning, having to explain to me my condition. Have to live the same day over and over again. I wonder how I took it. Did most days I accept it? Or was it a frequent occurrence for me to run for the house, to escape from the house that seemed to shrink with each and every breath. I try to think back to yesterday, to remember anything about it, but the only images that flash before me are those walls of fire. The searing heat of the inferno. The suffocating feeling of smoke climbing down my throat, preventing me from breathing. My desperate search for an escape.
Like right now.
"I'm going out."
Exiting the house I gather my bearings. My eyes search for the large wooden barn in the near distance. Taking a deep breath I run towards it. The morning rays have barley kissed the horizon as I enter. A large white mare nickers, greeting me as a smile forms across my lips. "Kiki," I run my hand over her mane, relishing the familiar feeling of her pelt under my fingers. "Hey girl, at least I remember you." Quickly I lead her from her stall, quickly climbing onto her bare back I take off into the fields, the wind wiping my hair across my face as Kiki's body moves strong and steady beneath me.
I don't know for how long she runs carrying me with her, but when she stops her chest is heaving, her head pulled down to lap at the lake that run quietly banter her hooves. I quickly slip off, patting her neck. I take a seat on the rivers side, my fingers playing with a small stack on stones as I watch it sweep into the depths of the district. Into the town that was only a hundred or so meters away.
A whole year had come and gone.
A whole year that I had missed. Each day lost to the next. Never to be recovered, if my doctors were right.
How was I supposed to live like this? Always forgetting the names of people I meet. The connection that I might create. Forget any experiences- good or bad- that might occur. How was I too grow if I was forever stuck in the past?
My eyes drift shut as I bring my knees to my chest, hugging the tightly. What had I missed this last year? What might I miss in the years to come?
Post by Liara Arterius D2f [Cato] on Aug 12, 2020 23:19:40 GMT -5
I don’t even know how much time has truly gone by since Arabella left for the Capitol only to die in the hunger games. Meeting her, and talking to her, and just getting to know her was amazing, and now she’s gone. I should be used to all this by now seeing how many family members I’ve lost to the games, but this feeling is new, and it’s hard to explain why, and I find myself lying awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering what could’ve been. She’s a friend, and she’s gone, and it hurts. I thought I would’ve numbed away the pain, but it hasn’t. The pain is real, it’s there lingering before my eyes every second of every single day. I'm used to losing family members, but losing a friend is a new feeling. It was stupid of me to hope she would return, yet I had to have the hope. I couldn’t just not let her slip away. Maybe I should’ve. Maybe all of this would be easier.
Most of the days are spent outside working in the relentless heat trying to take my mind off things. It’s hard, it’s complicated, and all I want to do is find a way to run away and escape. Even opening up to Tallulah a couple weeks ago the day she die hasn’t made it any better. It’s still extremely difficult, and tough, and all I want to do is hide my face away from the rest of the world. I don’t think anyone will ever truly understand the pain lingering inside. I don’t even understand it, but maybe today I can finally understand it and put it to rest like I’ve done so many times before.
I don’t even say a word before slipping out the door allowing my bare feet to hit the ground. It’s amazing, and for a moment all the worries go away, yet they quickly come crashing down around me in the blink of an eye. I’ll never forget the day I accidentally ran into her while trying to go through a day without thinking about my family, and that was a day that I found her. We told stories and we talked, and even as I’m walking now with no destination in mind, I can’t help but think about her as tears threaten to slip from my eyes. I can’t cry, though, because I don’t want to, and I don’t want anyone seeing me.
Post by mauve morganstern • 3f [kiah] on Aug 14, 2020 2:47:38 GMT -5
t a l l u l a h.
* * *
I don't know how long I sit there, my knees curled close to my chest, Kiki nibbling happily at the grass on the shore line. But it is long enough to cause a deep ache in my bottom, the cold stone beneath me causing goosebumps to litter the surface of my skin. I had watched as the sun reached its apex before beginning to defend once again. The sky had been clear, not a cloud in sight, but it had not stopped the chill that had danced in the air.
Watching the rising of the sun, high into the sky, had calmed my mood. My anger and distraught lessening slightly into something close to indifference. Maybe I should care more, maybe I should actively be seeking the cure to my illness. But even if I did start looking, right now, I wouldn't remember anything about it tomorrow. I wonder if there were more notes hiding in my room. Hand written memories scattered here and there for me to find. Maybe there was, and maybe if there wasn't I should start. Start writing down my memories, capturing them so maybe they wouldn't be lost forever.
A long sigh escaped my lips, my aching legs stretching out before me. They seemed to sigh in relief as the circulation of blood flushed through them, instantly warming them slightly. Climbing to my feet I approach Kiki running my hand over her dirty white pelt. She had grown from the last time I remembered her. Another missing memory from the year just gone.
Hopefully one day it would get easier.
It had too, right?
Nodding I promise myself that I would try harder to make it better. I would buy a diary on the way home and each night I would write down my day. I would write down the good, the bad, and everything in-between. It won't be the same as actually living them. But it was a start and a start is what I needed at the moment.
Suddenly filled with determination I move to climb onto Kikis back when a movement in the corner of my eye stops me. Frowning slightly I turn to face it, and that's when I see a handsome man walking my way. He was tall dark and handsome. And I didn't need to remove his shirt to know that beneath the worn, slightly dirty material, his body would be wrapped in lean muscle. Relaxing slightly, I allow a charming smile to pull at the corner of my lips, my hand beginning to wave a greeting.
But as he nears I notice the look of recognition mingled with something close to relief that he wars across his features. Did I know him? Confusion surges through me as I look back through my memories, desperately trying to place his face. His eyes. Anything. But I come up blank. My face drops, my hand falling limply to my side. Did he know about my illness? Was that something I talked about frequently? Or was that something that only my family and close friends- did I have close friends?
Panic, fresh and powerful, crashes into me and I fidget nervously from foot to foot. Its okay. I can handle this. Just smile. Taking a deep breath I force a sweet smile onto my lips, softening the intensity of my gaze. "Hey there," I say with a cheerfulness that seemed slightly off beat. I move away from Kiki and towards the stranger who might not be a stranger. "What you are doing out here?"
Post by Liara Arterius D2f [Cato] on Aug 15, 2020 20:37:45 GMT -5
I'm moving forward with tears leaking down my cheeks, and no matter how hard I try, I can't control them. It's strange because I thought I was done crying, but I guess I was wrong. Mourning isn't easy, it's hard, and it's standing in front of me every single day. Not only am I missing her right now, but my entire family buried in the cemetery. I've lost so many people in my life, and it hurts. A broken heart beats inside my chest reminding me that I'll always feel this way even when I learn to live without them. It doesn't get any easier. Nothing is easy anymore. But each day I try my best. It's just hard. Everything is a constant reminder of what I once had, and memories live inside, and the void just keeps growing more and more. It's hard to understand.
I stop for a moment wiping my eyes. I don't want anyone to see me crying. I've always been told men don't cry. That they shouldn't cry because it makes them look weak, and right now I'm in the weakest moment possible. But I have to be strong. And with a quick breath, I regain my composure and continue on. I don't know where I'm going. I have no place in mind right now. Just getting away from home, and having some fresh air, and just doing what I can to allow myself to be here. Losing people is hard, it crushes the soul, and sometimes it dampens the desire to live. It draws the pain from the well of life until it's dry, and there's nothing more to give. It just doesn't make sense though. Nothing does. Why bother? Why pretend everything is okay when it's not? So much has been stolen from me, and I want it back. I just can't get it back anymore.
That's when I see a girl with a horse, and I want turn around and walk away. Time alone is all I need. I just don't even know how far out I've wandered. But I look around trying to take it all in, and I continue walking towards her. I've seen her before. I've talked to her, but I don't want to startle her. I just keep moving at the same pace. My eyes focusing on the ground as I fight to keep myself going strong, and I can't help but wonder if my face radiates from the tears I promised myself I wouldn't spill. I take a deep breath just trying to keep my composure, but it's so hard. I sometimes think I need to stop caring for people, but then I find someone I care for, and I leave a piece of my heart with them always telling myself it'll be okay. She turns to me, and she speaks asking what I'm doing out here.
I stop in my tracks unsure of what to say. Sometimes words form easily, and right now I don't know what I'm doing here. I was simply going for a walk without a care in the world. I don't even know how far I've walked, but here I am, and I can see she's fidgeting back and forth, and all I want is to tell her it's okay. I've talked to her before. I poured out my heart and soul, and I want to do it again, but I don't know if I should. Getting close to someone is hard. I take a deep breath, and I raise my gaze to meet hers before running a hand across my head. "I was just going for a walk. Needed to get out and get some fresh air." I try offering a smile, and I try to hide the pain lingering in my voice. "I just needed to get away. I hope that's okay." Whether it's okay or not I'm here now, and I don't think I'll go away.
Post by mauve morganstern • 3f [kiah] on Aug 16, 2020 8:03:20 GMT -5
t a l l u l a h.
* * *
Eyes hesitant to meet my own he offers me a smile, "I was just going for a walk. Needed to get out and get some fresh air." His eyes were glassy, small red lines webbing in the corner of the whites. He had been crying. As thought he can tell that I noticed he runs a hand over his head, temporarily breaking out line of eye contact. I look away from him, not wanting him to feel as uneasy as myself.
"I just needed to get away." My gaze found his once again, he too was running. What was he running from? From the pained look in his eyes and the way his shoulders seemed to slump forward slightly, I could tell it was something that caused his heart to break. "I hope that's okay." I just nod at him, knowing full well what it felt like to need to just get away. To run so far, so hard until your legs could no longer keep going. To run until your lungs felt like they were about to explode. To forget about everything but the burning over every muscle in your body, distracting you from your real pain.
"Of course, I know what it feels like to just want to get away." I smile, feeling my panic and discomfort begin to fade with each passing minute. I can do this.
He hadn't greeted me by name, did that mean he didn't know me? Or was it that he was familiar with my illness? I wanted to know. I needed to know, I just didn't know how to approach it. What to say, what to ask. "So, um, do I know you?" I blurt out before I can stop myself. "I mean, I get the feeling that we may have meet before?" I re-try, tucking some stray hair behind my ear. "When I first saw you it seemed like you knew me. But you see- I- I," I choke on my words, struggling to find the correct way to explain that I had forgotten him.
"I'm Sick!" I blurt out, once again. "I mean not sick sick like coughing and contagious or anything like that." I'm rambling, my words escaping my lips so quickly that I forget to breathe. Taking in a deep breathe, I take a moment to gather myself. "I'm sorry. What I'm trying to say is that I have an illness that effects my ability to create memories. As of one year ago I seem to forget everyday." I pause, my fingers fiddling with the hem of my shirt.
"So please forgive me for not being able to re-call you, or any of our past interactions. I really, really, wish I could. I guess that's why I'm out here too." I smile, shrugging slightly, "I just needed to get away.
I'm Tally, by the way. I mean if you didn't know."