sterling mae / five. fin

Alright, I'm not going to lie to you, I don't want to be here right now.

Dad would probably get mad at me later for saying that, but to be honest, I just am having trouble giving a fuck these days. Since the only way he's going to know to get mad at me is if he decides that reading this interview is even worth his time and I genuinely can never guess whether or not he's going to pay any attention to anything that I do. So. I mean, like fuck!

The only way he pays attention these days is if it has something to do with Bamber.

Which is horseshit.

God, I hate her.

No wait take that out—you can't? Ugh, okay, it's fine. If she reads this she'll know I didn't mean it. I'm always doing shit like that, saying something mean or whatever just for the sake of saying something mean. I literally never mean it and I don't know where it comes from, what dark part of me it comes out of. I wish that I wasn't like this sometimes, just being cruel because I think that it might get me a drop of attention from one of my other family members, but I am. Sometimes I feel like a bad dog or something, getting mean when I'm nervous. And I don't know how to change, or how to turn it off. I don't know how to be anything other than the very worst things that I am because, really, no one ever taught me any different.

Is that sad?

Yeah, I thought so, too.

It's fine. I am the way that I am, I guess. I'm working on getting used to it, the fact that I'm all rotten and twisted up inside.

I think what really gets me about all of it, the fact that it's easier for me to be cruel than it is for me to just be kind and loving towards my siblings, is that I'm not sure any of them have ever had the same thought about wanting to love and be kind to me. I'm out here trying to come up with some way that we could all hang out and pay attention to each other in a positive and warm and loving way and they're out there getting drunk in bathrooms and screaming at each other and breaking each other's bones and. Like, my siblings are all fucking crazy but of course I'M the one every thinks is dead in the head as a god damned doornail! It's so unfair!  Wolf is a little bitch honestly and terrified of Cae, which I guess like, valid. Cae literally tried to snap Wolf's knee the other day. But also I remember one time last year every single one of us bleached out our hair and coated every strand in this blue hair dye and do you want to know what petty shit Wolf did to act out? He poured it down the drain. I'm the one that everyone thinks is the dumb one but he's the one who got blue hair dye all over the sink when he was pour it out and it's his fault that it splashed onto the wall and stained the paint.

Mom was really pissed about that one.

I just don't get it! Why doesn't anyone pay attention to me! Being the middle child is a real fucking trauma and no one ever talks about it because no one likes to talk about middle children and I am telling you now.

Actually, you know what, I'm starting to sound like such a whiny bitch. Why didn't you stop me? Get me back on track or something, isn't that your job?

Right, okay.

Do you wanna hear about the time that Cae tried to drown me in the pool as a kid? I was coughing and sputtering and turning blue and I feel like it probably should have been a lot more traumatizing than I remember it being, but honestly. Like. with Cae at this point it kind of just feels like a right of passage or something? Like, man, that kid is fucked in the head or whatever but wow do I love him a whole fucking lot.

Oh, what? Oh we're out of time? We barely even— I— I mean, okay then, I guess. Yeah, no, no problem, that's cool. I get it.

You came to hear about me and Lys and you figured out that I don't really have anything to say other than I hate her just about as much as I love her, and that's really all there is to it, huh? You don't really care about me and the other's. It's all her now.

That's... okay.

Nothing I'm not used to.

Maybe one day I'll be the center of attention, but that day isn't today. I get it. Yeah, yep, uh huh— it was nice meeting you too. Send me over those photos once they're edited.