d11 . ellen shirley . fin

E L L E N

You never realise how much you want something until the moment you have it.

And when the moment comes by that you lose it, you realise just how much you needed it.

Arabella was my something.

And now she was gone.

*

The screen before us flutters, one hands grasps Matthews- holding on so tightly that I was sure it would bruise. But he says nothing, his eyes glued to the same image as my own. On the screen before us is out Bella, her body battered and bruised and broken as she lay in the dirt. A wail rises from deep within, Matthew pulling me in tightly. "Bella," my voice breaks, my eyes not once leaving the screen as the girl from Five slinks out from behind the treelike. "Matthew- I- I cant- why did we let her go?"

"We didn't have a choice." His voice is tight, unshed tears thick in his throat. "We didn't get a choice," he repeats, as if trying to convince himself he was right. "We didn't have a- have a choice." His voice breaks. We didn't have a choice.

"Ly- Lysander," Her voice is so small, broken.

A time not long ago Arabella had been filled with light and life. Everyday was an adventure to her, always something new to discover. Her brain constantly working overtime as she crafted new stories, new characters. I'd often watch from the kitchen as she weaved between the trees, eyes alight, her sing song voice dancing along the wind. Quirks that seemed fortuitous to most, were endearing to me.

"Please... Don't leave me to die alone." Arabella sobs, her body breaking down as she surrenders to her fight. Fingers clutch at a letter, a letter scribbled in hand writing that I knew instantly to be my own.

Dear my sweet child,

I hope this gets to you. I wanted to tell you that no matter what happens that Matthew and I will always love you.

You were a gift we never asked for. Happiness we never knew we needed. Everyday for the rest of our lives we will be so grateful for every moment that we shared with you.

From the moment we first saw you in that forest, you were so skinny, so small, I was sure that you would not make it through the night. But you, my dear Bella, are a fighter. A survivor.

You, Bella, stole our hearts and we beg you to keep them safe. In the moments you feel so low I want you to remember my smile. In the moments you find yourself slipping remember Matthew's warm embraces. But never forget that it is okay to let go... That Matthew and myself will be okay, we will live on and we will forever have a home for you in our hearts and our home.

Bella, thank you for everything that you have given us. I can never put into words just how important you are to us and I will love you till the end of time.
Until we meet again, if that be next week, or next life time...

With so much love,
-Ellen and Matthew

Arabella Shirley was a gift. She didn't know it, and I was sure that she never would. But to Matthew and myself she was a gift that we had never asked for, but one that I wished I could have received sooner.

Kids had never been something that Matthew and I had ever wanted. Our lives were already filled with so much love and affection and passion that we already felt so full. It wasn't until we found Arabella, shivering and starving in the depths of the woods one winter day that I realised that their was a missing piece.

I still remember the exact moment I decided that she was my daughter. We were sitting at the kitchen table, she had been with us a few days now, her endless chatter something that had initially rubbed me the wrong way. But that night, as the fire burned we moved to the ground sat huddled before the fire, just myself and her, hands as close to the open flames as we dared. She had looked at me, lips pulled back into a wide grin. "Mrs. Shirley-"

"Ellen, please-"

"Ellen, I would just like to tell you just how grateful I am for everything you have done for me. I know that I can be quite a handful- I talk a lot, and ramble on and on. But- But I am ever so grateful for the patience you have shown me. The kindness you have bestowed upon me." She had paused then, a lock of her dark hair slipping into her eyes.

"I know we have only been aquatinted for such a short time... But... But I think I understand a little more now on what its like to be part of a family." Eyes glazed over in wander, lips fulled back into an aloof grin. "I've always wanted to know what It would feel like, and to have the chance to be one of the characters of my stories surrounded my loving parents and siblings. To share stories and hot drinks by the fire..." She went on for a little longer, but I had stopped listening, her voice nothing but background noise as I became lost to my own thoughts

She's the one. I had thoughts. She's the missing piece. It was that moment I had realised just how special she was. How important the last few days had been to me.

Just how much I wanted to protect her, to give her that life that she spoke of, because I couldn't understand how a girl- one filled with such child like joy as her own- could possible not know what it felt like to be loved.

I made a silent promise at that very moment, a promise that one day I would be able to show her what it felt like to be loved unconditionally.

"It's okay, Bella. You can go now. It's okay." Eyes filled with tears return to the screen. It's okay, I wanted to tell her, you can let go now. As much as it broke my heart, I destroyed me more to watch as she withered in pain, to watch as blood soaked the earth around her. Let go Bella. Just let go. I beg her silently, even though I know that the next morning I would have to watch again her battle for life.

A canon sounds, sharp and piercing.

And she was gone.

*

It happens again.

But this time I know it will be the last.

Jade, the career from One, strikes the killing blow, her knife buried in the heart of a child who died too young. Tears, an endless flow, cascade down my cheeks, my knees smashing into the ground as I reach for my daughter. I had promised her that I would be okay, that it would all be okay, and maybe it would. But right now it felt like my world was crashing down around me, my heart shattering as the girl from One asks if there was anything that she wanted.

To live! I almost shout, hand clutching my chest. To come home, heart still beating.

"I-" Her voice fails.

"I-" She tries again, fighting with everything she has. But she is slipping, her heart giving way for the final time.

"Tell them... Th-that I..."

Silence.

"It's okay, Bella," voice no louder than a whisper, "we know."

Eyes drifting shut Matthew falls to the ground beside me, his arms wrapped tightly around me as we both use the comfort of human touch to try and dull the ache.

"We love you too."