d5 . ana mercier

You're standing where your old self once stood.

Back then, you were tied up in the freedom of high school, caught up in the memories of time wasted away, nose buried in a book. High school had never really been about making friends or forging relationships. It had been about striving to be someone that others could rely on, being a hero, being able to save lives. You didn't have lots of many, your family making their way on thin threads. But, you had grit. You had willpower and desire and a drive that could not be shaken.

Becoming a doctor was hard and exhausting work. You learned how to sacrifice so much so that the lives of those around you could be bettered. It was something you had always been thought, that others come first. Your mother and father had a strong sense of determination, sacrificing everything they loved so that you could live a life better than theirs. They gave you everything you needed so that you could succeed, placing their own hopes and desires onto your thin shoulder from a young age.

Perhaps that is why you feel the pressure to please and to push yourself hard to make others happy. Your successes became your parents, their smiles staying on longer and stronger every year you came out at the top of your class. But it became a painful cycle, where they struggled for money and food to make your life better. You struggled for rest; anxiety and stress ruling your life as you fought your hardest so that you could meet their expectations. It was crushing, and by the time you finished high school you had the marks to try and become a doctor. Your parents had worked themselves to the bone to acquire the money so that you could become one.

There was never another option, no other path open before you. You were a train, glued to the rails, unable to waver from the course that had been set before you. It didn't matter what ambition you might have to be someone else. There was no other option before you, so you steamed onwards.

It was here, at high school, where you first met Alaric. The two of you often locked away in the library as you raced to be the best. You're not sure if he was ever aware of the fact that you were always trying to be a little better then him. An edge of competition that propelled you to heights you had never seen before. You were friends, bound by each of your own desires to create a better world.

By the time the two of you found yourselves studying to be doctors, you were inseparable. You found yourself relying on him, a crutch when your first patient died, a hand to hold when you lost a child to a terminal illness. At times his drive was even stronger than your own. He'd tie himself to his work and not release the ache in his shoulders until you went and rescued him. You think maybe it's your superpower, an ability to pull him away from his own pain and ground him once more in reality.

He says that no one else has that ability. He tells you so at night when he holds you as you fall asleep. There's a smattering of kisses on each of your cheeks as your fingers entwine themselves with his. Comfort wrapped in the small space between you as you guide each other to sleep. He doesn't quite know how well he grounds you, pulling you away from breaking when you cannot save a patient.

Blake might have been right when he told you that doctors in five were not heroes. They simply had the ability to choose who lived and died. But you've spent your entire life believing you can save them all, pouring your compassion and energy into helping each and every one of them. They all deserve a chance to fight and live.

It hurts you, every time they slip between your fingers, you feel as though you have failed them.

It has never stopped you from trying, and it never will. You still find solace in the ability to save a life or work towards making it better for others.