what a perfect day for crying! || beck & ky blitz

Capitol technology has him on his feet sooner than he'd like, they let him out of the hospital two nights ago. It's hardly a privilege, he's at the forefront of people's minds once again. He hasn't said a word to Opal yet, nor she to him because all that's left to talk about is how he did the one thing she warned him not to do. Maybe it's his prerogative as her son to fuck himself over though, maybe it's just a family curse.

Whatever it is, he lay in the dark last night and watched the news, some girl's blog post apparently newsworthy. The footage of Emmett there, on top of him in the silence of the security camera, is everyone's favourite treat. It's on every channel he flips through and now there is probably no one left in Panem who doesn't know his business. All he can think about is how fucking stupid he is, how even though he thinks he's so grown, he's still just a dumb kid.

So he stays in bed all day, blanket wrapped up around him with a nightstand full of painkillers he's supposed to take for the remnants of pain in his hand and chest. They've set all his fingers back into place, his palm bears a semi-healed scar and though he's still a patchwork of bruises, it's not that bad anymore, he can live with the pain.

He isn't so sure how to live with himself, the one thing he promised Emmett would stay just theirs was leaked in a matter of days. He failed to make him feel loved and failed to protect him in the only way that he should have been able to. Despite it all though, he's grateful for the footage, grateful that he has something to look at, to remember him by.

He falls asleep sometime in the morning, eyes falling shut somewhere between twilight and sunrise. He dreams about Emmett faced away from him, moving away without even moving at all and never looking back. It's odd because Ky never saw him go, he was just gone when he woke up on the ground of the Thirteenth floor.

Then there's Beck's voice, insistent tugging. Ky clutches at his duvet but the folding motion makes his hand sting and Beck wins it, pulling his blanket down. He moans quietly, eyes squeezed shut as he does his best to stay asleep.

"Beck," he whines, "Just leave me here to die, what the fuck." He tosses a pillow, aimed approximately at where Beck probably is at the end of his bed.

"Why are you even up?"

Beck's the only one who doesn't look at him like he's a piece of broken pottery and honest to god, without him, maybe Ky would be insane by now. He can't look his mom in the eye because he just sees her guilt, can't look at Katelyn because she doesn't know what to say to him but he can always count on Beck to be normal.

Ky knows that it's not, that everything he touches crumbles and he just can't seem to do things right but Beck doesn't seem to care about that. For some reason, he just keeps showing up no matter what has happened and that's a precious thing.

But it's got a time limit, in a matter of days they'll both be headed out in separate carriages on the train to wait another year before seeing each other again. Ky doesn't really know what he'll do without Beck there to call him a Dick.

The pain in his side ricochets through his chest and Ky has to take a moment to breathe before being able to respond. "Not like I didn't just get out of the hospital," he says, a note of annoyance in his voice. But he still prefers it to careful touches and hushed voices, he doesn't know how much more pity he can take.

Ky props himself up on his elbows slowly, bedhead prevalent and drool on his pillow. "I'm not being a baby," he protested, realizing belatedly just how much that makes him sound like a baby, "I'm just... It's a lot out there."

But getting fucked up does sound kind of good right now.

"What's the plan then, Captain," he asked as he tossed his covers over Beck's head, "Lay it on me." He stands then slowly, body creaking and feeling a bit less than usual, "Better be good."

He doesn't need the mirror to tell him how ugly he looks with faded bruises that dot his complexion but it does anyway, the cowardly thing. Ky runs a hand through his hair in it, fingers doing their best to flatten unwashed strands but they stick up a bit anyway. He's not the only one who looks like shit. Beck appears like he hasn't slept in three days and honest to god, he probably hasn't. Ky's few hours don't really add up either and even though he's just left his bed, he can already hear it calling him back.

How easy it would be to just lay in bed all day.

Then he thinks of his mother, the door shut and the sounds of the television leaking out and he shudders. He can't do that, he won't be like how she was, just laying in the dark. The thought makes him feel guilty, it isn't fair to judge that but he can't help it when it's his worst fear. Maybe it's her fault anyway for making him so afraid of ending up like that.

He's a terrible son.

"You sure do know how to sell it, Beck," he says and stares at his friend through the mirror. He looks so small all bundled up in his duvet and Ky can't help but feel a surge of affection for him. A year ago he never would have guessed that Beck and he would be just hanging out like this but he's grateful. He's finally made a real friend, one that won't hold him just out of reach or coddle him. Ky feels like an equal.

So he runs a wet towel over his face and gargles some mouthwash to get the sand out of his mouth. If getting out of the training centre is on the agenda then he's in. Opal's busy off being a good Mentor somewhere and he'll hopefully be back before she is in any way, if she isn't spending one of her last few nights with Katelyn. He can't blame her for that if she is, he gets it. He'd kill for one more night.

A smile blooms as he turns just in time to watch Beck trip a little on his blanket. Maybe he should be more worried about him, this can't be healthy for either of them but he's tired of being the serious one, the party pooper. What's the difference between weed and the morphing pills they sent home with him anyway, one's just a little bit more like contraband.

Ky lets the blanket hit him in the side, laughter falling just as fast and then slips bare feet into sneakers. "Works for me, she'll be too busy murdering you to get mad at me, right?" he says before scrawling a note onto his bedroom door's interface with one finger.

'don't worry, out w/beck'

On second though, he erases 'w/beck' and changes it to 'w/teddy' because whose going to worry about the Golden Victor?

"Cool, I'm ready," he says and kicks Beck lightly in the ass with the side of his foot.

Part of him is afraid of every single alley that they walk past. It's too early in the morning for the Capitol's goons to be lurking but that doesn't stop Ky from tensing up a little as they pass by the mouth of each one.

But maybe he welcomes it too because in the end, it wasn't that bad, his brain's already blocked out the memory and all that's left is an unhelpful fog. Let them come again, he thinks into a cocktail of 'maybe I deserved it.' He sinks a little, the paved streets ready to eat him alive when Beck slings an arm around his neck and tugs him in close.

"I'll protect you, Beck," he says grimly while a smile plays at his lips. What they're about to do is wrong, he knows that. His mom would be disappointed if she found out. Maybe that'd be a good thing though, maybe she would stop killing herself to protect him because Ky doesn't want it. He doesn't want her tears anymore.

He leans into him a little bit, grateful for some sort of camaraderie in a city where everyone else is too afraid to touch him. They think he might break, he knows that and knows that Beck probably does too. He can't blame them for it, he's almost ready to. Sometimes it feels like he's walking through water.

"You know you didn't kill him, right?"

"Yeah."

He does technically, sort of like how yes, the tide will always come back in because it does, it always does. Even when it's low as hell out in the bay and hard to see, the tide will come back in and nothing that Ky did could have killed Emmett. His heart doesn't know it though, his heart says that he should have controlled the tide, made it stop but he didn't, he failed him.

"But I don't think that matters."

He gazes down the street at all the closed shops that won't be opening until much later in the day, if at all. Everyone's preparing to celebrate Victor Lysander Mae's crowning. Ky has nothing to celebrate, district Five took both of their tributes.

"My mom's in love," he agrees, "Didn't keep her safe though, didn't keep me safe either." Beck is probably right about it, all of it seems like such a waste of time. Maybe he'll never fall in love again, it seems easier to just be alone, be cold.

He's afraid to hurt again.

"It's okay, I think I'm done with all of that, you know?" he says and grins at Beck, "Just sucks I found Emmett too late." The Capitol starts to wake up more around them, there's even another soul out on the street and Ky can't stop smiling. He's so afraid he wants to throw up but he's never let that stop him. The sun feels good on his skin and after laying in bed for a near week, it's just what he needs. Leave it to Beck to always find him at his worst and deal with him anyway.

"You know what, I don't care what they say, you're pretty alright, Beck," he teases.