to your eternity . audrey hale

She was a mess.

Falling apart further and further each and every day that slipped through her fingers. It had been two weeks without Amelia by her side, the shadow of her twin a ghost that walked a step ahead of her wherever she went. She tried to chase it, in her nightmares it slipped away each time leaving her with stones in her knees as she was swallowed by her loneliness.

Audrey Hale didn’t know how to exist without her twin sister. Audrey Hale didn’t exist without Amelia. Her identity was attached to her twins, built into the very strength she possessed. She had only ever been brave to stand up against the world to protect Amelia. She had only ever killed to ensure that her twin would never have to do it. Who was she without Amelia?

She didn’t know how to go on.

Audrey pulled the blanket up to her chin, the couch cushion pressed into her cheek as she stared at the television. The extent of her existence had ranged from her bedroom to this couch where she had remained, unsure of every choice that awaited her in the world beyond the splintered door of their home. Their parents were already suffering, the blow of their daughter felt in the meals missing from the kitchen table. From the piles of bills filling the floor by the door, to the silent sobbing that radiated from her parent’s bedroom most nights.

It was like a bullet to her chest when Amelia’s face flickered across the television screen. Audrey had seen her score and as proud as she was of her twin sister for dominating the training sessions- she couldn’t fight the dull ache of fear that slowly enveloped her entire being. That wasn’t like Amelia, careful and thoughtful and aware of the target such an act would produce. That was something Audrey would have done- declared to every tribute that she was strong and could take any of them on. She didn’t understand why Amelia had reached so high; Audrey didn’t want to see her fall.

The drowning tick of the timer filled the entire room. The sound of her own heartbeat echoing in her chest as she stared at her twin’s pale face. She didn’t want to watch, but she couldn’t look away. She’d be damned if she didn’t watch every wound her twin suffered. Ripred, she’d almost talked herself into grabbing her own knife and suffering with Amelia every step of the way.

Amelia would call her a fucking idiot. Amelia would tell her to get her shit together because this wasn’t about Audrey.

The sob caught in her throat slipped free, a whimper ringing within the silence of the house as the echo of weapons radiated from her television scream. She hated the way she felt relieved as she watched Amelia disappear, as she watched her twin flee the chaos without even looking back.

Audrey close her eyes, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes. She was supposed to be the strong one, but she was realising that her strength had come from her twin. Without Amelia she was broken and she didn’t know how to put herself back together.

Day three had arrived.

These games were slow. There had been only one tribute death thus far and the Gamemaker’s had already decided that the third day would be an event where killing was prohibited. It made zero fucking sense. These twenty-three tributes were in a game designed to kill one another, and here they were, forced to endure a sled race for entertainment purposes. It was sick and revolting and after the announcement had been made Audrey had turned the television off.

She’d almost thrown the remote at the screen, cursing the Gamemaker’s to a cruel and painful death as she’d grabbed her coat and left the house. The front door had been slammed behind her, the echoing sound chasing her as she’d begun walking, before slipping into a run, feet slapping against the ground as she made her way to the nearest bar.

It was in one of the dirty parts of district nine, the surrounding shops and houses filled with darkness and poisonous activities that bled into the corrupt nature of the district. Gangs were prolific, and the barkeep didn’t even spare Audrey a glance as she ordered a shot of tequila. When the glass arrived, she glared at the server, demanding angrily that he hand over the entire bottle. He hesitated for a moment, but the look of raw anger and pain in her eyes persuaded him, and soon she was cradling the bottle, staring into the darkness.

It took little more than an hour for the bottle to empty itself into her stomach. It coursed through her veins, and when she finally stood, she staggered six steps to the left, catching herself on the next table. Her hands slipped, pushing glasses and bottles off the table as she almost collided with the men that sat there. They yelled, standing up, towering above her as they demanded she pay for the mess she’d made.

“Fuck off,” she spat, the word slurred and melting on her tongue as she glared at them.

One of the brutes stepped closer, filling the space in front of her as she stepped backward. Audrey was greeted by a table bumping up against her legs, and so she widened her stance, staring at him, defiance radiating from her.

“If you ain’t gonna pay for it, you better fucking clean up this mess, bitch.”

“Oh, I’m soooooo sorry I ruined-” her spinning gaze eyed the dirt-stained shirt and ripped pants “-your shit outfit.”

The sarcasm dripped from her words and she poked him in the chest, stepping closer as the alcohol emboldened her every move.

“Move out of my way,” it came out as a growl, and would have probably been a lot more terrifying had she not hiccuped, the alcohol burning in her chest.

“Clean up this fucking mess,” he reached forwards, hand wrapping around her shoulder as he threw her against the table. She slid into the mess of spilt drinks and shattered glass, sliding until she slipped off and landed with a grunt on the ground. Audrey gasped, feeling the painful pricks of glass in her skin as she stumbled to her feet, wiping beer off her face.

“Well, I’d say that did a pretty good job,” she laughed, eyes shifting to the glass shard in her arm. She picked at it gingerly, before gripping it and yanking it from her arm. She looked at the man as he slowly began to make his way around the side of the table. The bar had fallen into silence, and Audrey wasn’t entirely sure how far away he was from her with the way the world was spinning. As he neared she tried to swallow, fighting against the rising wave of nausea. He stopped in front of her, fist clenched by his side and Audrey vomited.

It projected itself across his shirt, spilling over his pants and shoes. The stench made her eyes water and she gaged, stumbling a few steps backward as the last bits fell from her mouth.

“My bad,” she mumbled, waving an apologetic hand in his direction. Blood ran down her arm, and she smeared it across her face as she tried to clean the vomit from her lips. “Well, this ain’t good.”

“I’m going to kill you.”

Ah, shit.

“Amelia, we need to get out of he-“

Her gaze shifted around the bar, searching for her twin sister as she locked eyes with stranger after stranger. “Ames, where’d you go?”

Before reality could settle in the man’s fist collided with her cheek, sending her flying into the nearest wall. Pain exploded across her face, the taste of iron filling her mouth as she gasped for air. Her legs slipped out from underneath her, sliding into the dirt of the bar floor as her watery gaze shifted to the man walking towards her.

“Ames isn’t here,” she said, eyes focused on his fist as he reached her. “She’s not here,” Audrey repeated.

He grabbed her throat, shoving her against the wall. Her fingers locked against his arm, digging into his flesh as she tried to pry them away. The air slipped from her lungs, and her lips parted, searching for air that couldn’t get past.

Ames-

The name couldn’t even escape her lips. Why was she fighting this? The pressure was building in her skull, eyes bulging as her face turned cold, lips blue. Her lungs ached, turning from ice to fire as they demanded oxygen. Her arms slipped, falling limply to her sides.

Suddenly, the pressure released, and Audrey fell to the ground, blackness clawing at her vision as air flooded her lungs.

I'm alive. The thought disappointed her.

The fight began interestingly, Audrey watched as Amelia froze the kid from district two. He was the one that had been in the 80th Hunger Games the same people they’d been fighting yesterday. Now, Audrey had been wrong about Amelia’s ally. This Yuki kid was hitting hard, and he was terrifying. From what she could tell, between blood splatters on his cheeks, there was an almost crazed grin on his face. It was like he enjoyed it, and the pieces from his reaping started clicking more into place. Crazy had a way of banding together, so perhaps the screaming girl at his reaping hadn’t been the only crazy one, Yuki was simply better at hiding it.

It didn’t run well with Audrey, wondering if his lack of brain cells was starting to infect Amelia. She seemed unbothered, almost pleased with the blood on her hands. She went into this fight without hesitation or reluctance, a predator terrorizing its prey before sinking its fangs in.

The fight took an unexpected turn, the bloodthirsty “I wanna kill” boy opting to take his own life. Audrey was perplexed, cushion on her lap as she peered into the pixels of her television screen. It was some sort of idea of grandstanding dignity, to die on your own terms. That was ironic, lost within the folds of players battling in a game where they have no choice. Dead is dead whether or not you’re the one that finishes yourself off. There was no way around the canon firing, signaling his demise, no way around the fact that he would never exist again. He couldn’t feel pride in being the one to kill himself, it was a desperate action and Audrey was sure fear had forced him to do it. Unwilling to try to even win.

The girl from district eleven fell to Amelia’s blade and Audrey watched, eyes widening as once more her twin soaked in the death as if it were nothing. Uneasiness coiled in her belly, pushing against her chest as her breathing shallowed out. Yuki and Amelia seemed to find pleasure- ecstasy in the notion of taking others lives. It was an image of her twin sister she had never thought she’d see, always believing that her twin was the one with more heart. It appeared that Audrey had once again underestimated her own strength, and the fragility that echoed within her own conscience was far more breakable.

Audrey leaned back, the echoing sound of weapons clashing as she turned her gaze to the ceiling. Hazel was right, blunt, and needlessly cruel about it, but completely right. The more she watched her twin perform on this blood-filled stage, the more she realized that she had never been the stronger one. The role she had assigned herself to was slipping between her fingers as she grasped feebly at the sand.

Who was she? She wasn’t the smarter one, she clearly wasn’t the one that had been designed to kill. The weight of the souls she had glued to her heart felt heavy, nightmares that struck her in the thick of her dreams. Promises of revenge plaguing her from the corner of her eyes. The more she watched her twin fill in the space she’d occupied so seamlessly, the more uncertain she felt. Amelia had never really needed her, and whilst she stared at a ghost on her right hand side, uncertainty pulling on her every movement- Amelia moved flawlessly, as if this was the way it had always meant to be.

Who was Audrey Hale? She stood, throwing the pillow onto the couch as she headed for the front door. She grabbed her coat, tugging it on as her gaze drifted, staring into space as she tried to piece together her own puzzle. It was impossible, she was missing half the pieces, or they just didn’t exist. Who am I? If she wasn’t Amelia’s twin then she wasn’t anyone. Even Hazel thought she was worth less than Amelia, she didn’t know how to be her own person, how to divide her personality into an individual.

She pulled the front door closed, the lock clicking into place as she started walking. She kept going, lost to an endless stream of uncertainty as it pulled her apart, and she had no idea how to put herself back together.