let me count the ways you kill me //Calla {Amelia's end}

My swing forces her head to the side, strong enough to tip her right over and there's a crack so loud then, something that starts when her body hits the ice and doesn't end until a few seconds after.

I try to step back, feet slipping on the ice, but it's no use because I soon as I move, the ground starts to crack.

It's small at first, gentle almost, and then a split second after, the fucking thing just shatters. The crack widens, a whole piece of ice flipping over and I flip with it. I try to grab something before I fall, try to take a breath but my head goes under and all I end up doing is taking in a mouth full of lake water, ice cold and dark like tar. It burns through my mouth, settles somewhere in my lungs and it stings so fucking bad, feels like a handful of knifes stabbing me from the inside.

It all happens so fast, so sudden that I barely even have time to blink - one second I'm standing above Amelia and the next we're both in the water. The cold shocks through my system, makes my legs stiffen up and the water in my lungs makes me cough and that just lets more water in, enough to weigh me down, burning through my nose and in behind my eyes and I think I scream because the more I try to move, the worse it gets.

There's no ocean in Ten, no big giant sea, the only time I ever swam was in a scummy pond in the one summer when the heat was so bad we did just about anything to cool down.

I try to thrash against the water, try to kick myself back up to the surface but there's chunks of ice everywhere now, and the panic in my throat tastes like rust and metal because I was so close. I was so fucking close, it's not fair.

I can't even think about Amelia, can't bother myself to wonder if she fell in too because the water is dark and its freezing but my lungs are on fire and I swear to god that even though I'm under here, I can smell smoke.

The little circle of light from where I fell in gets dimmer, the ice shifting along the surface. I try to push for it again, I don't want to die, I can't die here because this isn't how it's supposed to go, I'm not supposed to go down with the ship. But the light gets dimmer and my arms get heavier and it feels like there's glass stuck in my throat. And I'm such an idiot for not just walking away, for minding my own fucking business and controlling my temper.

I want to scream and punch and break the fingers of whatever god up there thought this would be a funny joke. I want to rip them down from the sky so they drown right here beside me and then I'll laugh in their face and spit the salt from my lungs until they give in and let go.

Because I know that I'm not the one that'd let go first. I wouldn't.

I won't.