Yusei Rhee - resub/wanderer [done]

Link to old bio

Falling in love has been one of the most painful experiences ever. Every single day I would try to make myself noticed, I would do what I could to get her to look at me, but nothing I did ever mattered. She was always too caught up in living her own life to notice someone like me. It never stopped me from trying. Sometimes it was just dropping in to say hi, or making a mess in the training center hoping she would come help me out somehow. If she ever needed anything, I was always running to her aid. It still wasn't enough, and nothing ever got her to notice me, and it hurt. She never returned the love for me. Not once, and I feel as though I was just a thorn in her side, but love led me to doing the stupidest thing of my entire life.

Volunteering for the games wasn't my way of trying to save someone. It wasn't my way of making sure someone didn't suffer a horrible fate. It was more than that. I hoped that by volunteering she'd see me. That she'd talk to me, and tell me that she loved me. I hoped she'd come around and realize that I was doing this for her, and for a moment I thought it worked. She came and said goodbye, and I wanted her to know that I loved her, but it was still never enough. I volunteered for a death sentence because all I wanted was for her to love me back. For her to tell me that I mattered to her. To see her light up the way I did each time she walked into a room. But it was never enough. When I died that game I thought it was over, but it was far from over.

I lived. I returned home alive more broken than before, and Cirque was nowhere to be found. When I'd see her friends, they turned and walked away from me. None of them wanted to even look at me. Maybe I broke her too, but I don't know because I don't know where she is. She disappeared. I hoped on my way home that she'd greet me at the train station, but even that didn't happen. She never once cared about me, and I hate it. I hate that I spent so many years falling in love with her for nothing in return. I hate that I wasted so much of my life trying to love and care for someone. Love doesn't matter. I should've known that. I should've known it because right now nothin matters. Nothing will ever matter because I am me, and I ruin everything.

I tried living my life without her. I tried enjoying the things I used to enjoy, but they weren't fun anymore. Nothing was fun. I ate alone. I stayed alone. I hid myself away from the world hoping to find Cirque once more. Hoping to see her venture out into the streets, but none of that ever worked. She was hidden away, and part of me wondered if she had died herself, but that couldn't have been true. I would've heard about it. She's someone everyone loves, and so many people are blinded by her beauty, and right now the only thing that matters is trying to figure out where I want to go. She was always on my mind. Even now she's still on my mind. I think about her all the time, and living in district one isn't helping me any. Nothing is anymore. So I ran away.

I packed a few of my belongings, and I walked from the district. I walked away never wanting to look back. None of it mattered anymore. This isn't my home. I should've died in the hunger games. I should've died all those years ago, but I didn't, and it makes me mad at myself. I was stupid trying to get someone to notice me when she never cared in the first place, so the best thing for me to do is get out of this place and let her come back into her life and enjoy whatever life she's living. It's best for the both of us. I left the door open as I left my house. Maybe someone would come and check, but even then I doubt it. I have no friends. I have nobody who cares. I spent my life changing who I was, and now I am falling away from everything I once knew.

Leaving district one behind and making my way into the forest was an easy decision. It's let me clear my mind a little, but it still doesn't help. I just had to get away from the place that held so much pain. Nothing was working. Meditation was simply bringing me down. It was slowly shattering my heart even more. It tore at my heartstrings, and it made breathing painful. But now I'm learning my way again. I'm trying different things, and I'm trying to find my place in life again. I just don't know where to begin. Most of my days are spent walking around looking for things to eat, and water to drink, and a place to sleep. Many times I climb up the trees and make myself blend in because it's easier that way. Sometimes I wish I was a bird because they are free.

I've finally blocked her away from my mind, and I redirect my thoughts when she enters it, but it's still hard. All I wanted was to give her my heart, and I did give to her, and she handed it right back to me. The pain is still there, and I'll never let myself fall in love with someone again. I'll never let someone see how much I care for them. I'll never put myself through this pain ever again because it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. Now I look at the birds wishing I could fly. They fly so high and freely without a care in the world. Even the other animals roaming the forest trails. I have to learn to be careful because one wrong move can cause me to die. But for now, I know where I am, and I know what I'm doing. Healing myself so I can truly live again.

I wander into districts looking for places to stay. Even a tiny shack is enough for me. I get my own food, and my own drinks. I care for myself. I weave together my own clothing. Maybe one day Cirque will think I'm truly still alive, and maybe one day she'll come looking for. I seriously doubt that'll happen, but I do know that if she ever finds me, I'm sending her on her way. Right now all I care about is finding a friend. I don't remember where all the tributes from my game reside. I don't know who resides where, but maybe one day I'll find them, and together we can build the world stronger. For now I rest. I take my chances in the wild knowing every second could be my end. At least it's better than living in a place where nobody cares because at the end of the day all that matters if that I care for me.

ripred_bot