vertigo :: turner's last

Fuck.

People have had goddamn speeches as their last words and yet all I can think of is,

Fuck.

It's different, the way it feels when she stabs me again. When the tip of her spear slices open my skin the pain doesn't come. I'm looking at the end of her fucking spear lodged into my arm but there's nothing. The one thing that reminds me of how it feels to be alive and now even that... oh. My eyes find her's and I laugh. It's because I'm not going to be alive much longer.

I finally say it aloud.

"Fuck."

Some people say there's a clarity in the moment before death. I say those people can shove it. If they're still alive, I don't exactly see how they can really act like any kind of goddamn expert. I'm sure as hell not clear right, I'm not transcending shit. Remembering that moment in ninth grade when Dailey made me realize the fundamental reason for being alive? Nope. Dailey was, and is, an asshole who smells like goat cheese. No, what's going through my mind is that I've just been stabbed and can't feel it because I'm going to die. I'm a bit preoccupied with that.

Beneath me, I feel my feet starting to slip. I can't say I'm surprised because when I look down it's more of my blood than the concrete. Even a first year back in Four would know that this amount of blood loss is fatal. I snort. In fact, I'm sure they are giving a lesson right now on exactly what I did wrong. I'm sure the others are asking questions while my Mum has locked the door to the shop. Weird, even amid the metallic stench of my blood I can smell the shot of whiskey my Dad is shakily pouring. Everyone is analyzing how I failed.

Is it true though?

Have I been a fuck up from the beginning?

Am I really the boy the others back home are celebrating finally getting what he's earned? Was it idiotic to pull back that scrawny ass fourteen year old and volunteer? Was I wrong to tell Beck not to look away? Am I really just the cumulation of the broken I've left behind? My knees buckle and I fall.

The cold of the concrete I'm expecting never comes. I'm confused, honestly the blood loss is really starting to make me spin. There are spots that I can't see, but I do see him. Softie's wrapped himself around me. The trail of his tears down his cheeks cut through a layer of red. I think he's hurt before I realize that the blood is mine. That's right, I'm the one dying here. I hope he paid attention to that spear lesson.

"It's okay, I've got you."

He answers my questions. I helped both him and Fisticuffs in the bloodbath, that can't be a mistake. By letting Beck see me, maybe the reflection made him realize he should keep feeling. I gave Nanette someone to talk to, a reason to look forward not back. Maybe she can get back to Beck for me, a kind of twisted IOU. I've done a lot of shitty things, I'm not a good person. But they haven't all been bad. I've lived a life worth someone remembering, right? Huh, I guess the thought of someone thinking about me someday makes me happy because although I'm numb, I've got a small smirk on my face.

"Come on you have to get up, we have to run."

I'm glad he was my last kiss. He's good, better than me. I want to move, to shake my head, but I'm getting heavier. I didn't even realize that my eyes were closed until I hear Lady Le Roux herself shout somewhere nearby and the sound of another gunshot. That opens my eyes again.

"I'll be back, don't worry. We'll be okay."

No, he needs to go. They all do. I'm dying right here in this trash heap of an arena and I'm sure there are plenty of people that find it suiting, but today it just is going to be me. I know Le Roux or Fisticuffs will get make the call soon enough here. I'm surprised our Leading Lady hasn't finished me off already herself, might be that side from last night. Maybe that's the answer to my questions about her. Maybe lionesses do like the ocean.

"Be there with your ally while you can. He deserves that much."

It's a voice I don't recognize, someone from the other group, that boy they were with. Somehow, it pulls a gargled laugh from my lips. To some, I deserve this death. To others, I deserve to not be alone as I die. I deserve both, forever the enigma. That's when I see her hair of fire through the darkness of my eyes. I think our eyes meet for a second before she starts to drag Saylor away to safety. Nice to see you one last time Fisticuffs, now run.

And they do.

I don't see them as they go, my eyes have slid shut. I've lived my whole life in the place where I'm just beneath the surface and I don't know if I'm going to catch that next breath.

This time, I don't.