lead the lambs to slaughter / KL v. S v. F v. L

“You are not a monster Nan. Nobody here is, we are just trying to survive.” Just because she has been trained for this, probably even bred into her. Nan is no monster. I have seen no beast inside her, a shark is just misunderstood. Not that I have ever personally met a shark in my life. She has got me this far, kept me alive and sane. Only a soul with a heart would do that.

"But why- why did he look at me like I was the monster when his ally is the one who stabbed him in the heart." My mother never hugged me, my father never wiped away a tear. Now today is my turn to console Nan and like, what do I do? I just place a hand on the girl’s shoulder, hoping a little comfort will be enough to beat away the negative thoughts.

I am back to being Doctor Flynn as Nan asks to help tend to the bullet wound in her neck. I have hoarded so many medical supplies, many have hardly been touched but only Ripred knows how many days I have left in here. “Yes, do you have any more needles? They got you good today.” Nan hands over a needle and thread, probably the most dubious item I have ever used. Even the practice stitches back home were more realistic than this. "give me a distraction. Tell me something." I am on my knees besides her. My fingers as still as possible as I thread the string through the needle. “I will try and be steady, but dehydration is getting me. It’ll be the third day tomorrow, they better deliver us something ice cold fresh.” I make the first movement with the stitch, the wound is so clean despite what caused it. No more bullet left to cause a nice festering infection. It does feel rewarding performing something so lifesaving like this. “I think I don’t want to be a surgeon like my parents. They are both general surgeons. Still a doctor but stuff like this. An emergency doctor. What about you?”

Nan grunts as the wound begins to close in her neck, the flesh meeting like it should very closely. She says it is good practice. Practice I never thought I would have on real subjects, out in the field. "As a career you don't think much past the age of eighteen till you have too." Is being a career really a career? That thought really hurt my brain. A whole life ambition to be here, being crimpled everyday by radiation and not knowing when the next drink day will be. What kind of lifestyle desire is that?

A marine biologist she says. A bit like the human biology at home but on…fish. I guess fish are interesting, sharks and dolphins and all those swimming breathing underwater creatures. I try my best not to let my mind wander with every word of Nan’s as I take the needle on its next step to seal up the wound. "Like mum. Have you ever seen the ocean?"My face is expressionless right now as I try and perfect the stitching, taking a few seconds than normal to respond to Nan. “No I have never seen it. The biggest water I have seen was that stinky lake from a few days ago.” I take the needle on the last stretch, finishing off the perfectly preserved wound. I shimmy back on my knees, taking a wider look at the wound. It is textbook.

"If you win this, go. It's beautifully dangerous." Maybe like I promised, I could help heal her mother and then we can both go look at the ocean. I wish it just did not mean she had to be dead for that to ever happen. Why can’t we both experience the ocean together? "In the summer, the waters are crystal clear, and then when the sunsets the colours reflect off the surface, and it's truely something else." It sounds like an ideal world. Not like the dreariness of Six, the bright lights of the Capitol and the toxins of this arena. The only three places I have ever been.

“Have you ever thought what must be beyond the ocean?” There must be something. Panem cannot be the only hell that the ocean surrounds. "Maybe there is some other sort of civilisation... One where you don't have to live life constantly looking over your shoulder. What do you think is out there?"

Maybe there is a land without a Hunger Games. A land where everyone lives free but why have we never heard of it? “If there is another civilisation, why haven’t they come and rescued us yet?” Maybe everywhere else is like this wasteland we are in right now. No life. Nothingness. "More wishful thinking on my behalf." Nan just shrugs. Maybe we will never know. Maybe they do not want us to know. "Get some sleep, I'll take the first watch."

I take up my space to sleep tonight. There is no glass to sweep away. Just a perfect spot to lay my head on my sack and finally catch a break. Soon it will be nearly a week. We must be nearly there now. Nearly home.

---

The smog is thick again. I am not even sure if its is morning of it is my turn to take the night’s watch. ”Nan?” All I can see for company is the fluorescent lime blob. ”Nan?” I say it a little louder as I scramble to my feet, flinging the sack over my shoulder and equipping myself with one of the revolvers. Where has she gone? It is not like her to just get up and go. Maybe she did not want to end up doing what Silk did yesterday or let it fall on me. Not that I would ever do that. Not to her.

What do I even do now but walk? It is so hard to breathe through the polluted air, my cough hurts my throat, and the dehydration is not helping. I am alone in the arena. Left to fend for myself. Just like Silk said. It is happening. The end is rolling by closer and closer. It is time I fought for myself.

A poignant smell of burning reaches my lungs, another irritant to attack my throat and my nostrils. The heat of whatever is burning hits my cheeks and it is not long before I can see the source through the haze. And it is not long before I have company. The worst imaginable company at that. It is Silk Le Roux with her lightening rod. Maybe she killed Nan and now she is after me. But there have been no canons today. Not yet.

"I'm saving you for the end, Princess." More company joins us, it is someone I have not met in the arena before. Kyler from Seven I think, a neighbour in the forest. Though he does not act neighbourly. His knife flickers with flames like the wildfire that surrounds us, and it nips at my hip. A yelp falls from my lips as I jump back from the boy’s attack. The princess must be Silk. The only career warrior here. Why must her life be spared for later in favour of mine? ”Why save Silk for later? You are not going to have a later.” I click the revolver, taking the safety mechanism thing off, aiming at the boy whose knife has maimed me. ”I am not your easy pickings. If she is your real enemy, why not kill her now?”

A bullet wasted. It just floats in the air, rather a distraction for everyone here than something to maim. A bang to grab everyone’s attention for just a second as they look around to see who it was delivered too. Well, nobody because I am clearly fucking useless here, without Nan. Now I am turning to the enemy of an enemy, it does not make her a friend. And of course, she is another blonde-haired career. Nan really better show up right now, amongst all the smoke. Maybe she is watching, waiting for the right opportunity to grab my hand and drag me out of here.

I wonder who or how many of us must die today before I can sneak away. Will a bullet ring in my ear or plant in my back if I just run right now? "You can either run and go find Nanette, or you swallow your fear and fight as if your life fucking depends on it." The words of advice that I asked for but really did not think I would get, not from her. Not from my main antagonist for the past two days. I can run and face my enemies tomorrow or I can face them today while I still have all limbs, and barely scratch on me. Or I could find Nan and just hide behind her and the shotgun. Fuck. It is not really a dilemma but life and death.

Bullets and lunging spears stop for a moment as Lorraine and Lightening Rod battle it out with their tongues. Not literally. Lightening Rod must really carry bad blood with everyone. My gun is still raised at shoulder level, my eyes stalking the four of them that are here, keeping an eye on anyone else that may be camouflaged amongst the smoke. ”Nan.” A faint whisper of her name drops from my mouth. She is not here.

Another gun shot breaks the chatter, an unexpected target for Lorraine, the girl from Seven has been silent all this time. Something that has not even protected her. Eight then turns her attention back to me, "Silk killed Syren, it's personal for me too," maybe it is a taunt, maybe it is the truth. Two days with Lightening Rod and two deaths I have witnessed at the end of that spear. I would not doubt it. But Syren, personal to me? We shared a home. A train journey. A floor in the Capitol. But we could never share a crown. Only a graveyard back home. Fuck.

"Tell me, Flynn, would I have killed her before I electrocuted Revan to death, or after?" Lightening Rod is quick to defend herself before lunging at Lorraine’s ally. What is this. Why me? They are both pulling me apart. Are they trying to get me to aim my gun at the other? Fuck. Where is Nan?

My eyes flick between the two girls, the barrel of my gun switching between the two as well. Both of my hands grip onto the revolver and damn they shake like hell. ”Clearly one of you is lying. Leave the games to kids… like me.” Lightening’s Rod information checks out, I stayed awake for that anthem. To see Revan’s face and then unexpectedly Syren but she could have always killed her after. ”You could have killed her after, b-but…Lorraine could be lying.” Who am I meant to aim at this time? Fuck.