me, myself, and the blob [flynn] day seven

The revolver I throw over the bridge where Lorraine lays erupts with a metal clash as it hits the earth. I have buried today; it has gone over the edge. It is only a memory in my head now, not something I have to physically carry. I stand for a moment at the bridge’s railing, eyes down. I do not deserve to pay my respects. I have put Lorraine’s whole family through mourning. Mourning that will likely last with them for life. If I win this, they will make me go to Eight. They will make me greet them; they will make me force a smile. It is just a part of getting home.

I walk to the other side of the bridge, looking over the railings at the vast landscape of this dirty stinky poisonous arena. Two canons’ have been quick to follow Lorraine’s. Who is left now? All I can think about his Nanette’s greyed out name. In just a few hours when the sky turns dark, that will be her obituary. The truth projected for all to see. Fuck, it is not how it was meant to be. Really, why did she not say goodbye? I would have understood. I just wanted one more conversation with her. Just one more comfort. Now I will never be able to see her again. Never bandage her wounds or listen to her story. It is over.

It is just me and three others’ now. I do not even know who they are. I have proven today that I do not need to hide behind a career to get home, but it is not over yet. Tonight, I am going to be alone for the first time. It is going to be one hell of a night to survive by myself. Nobody to watch my back as I sleep. Nobody to reflect on the day with. Just me, myself, and the blob.

I push myself away from the railings, gathering all the belongings that have been left behind by Lorraine. Then I slide my body down against the railings, placing my butt on the cold hard concrete.

I just do not want tonight to come. I just do not want to see her face in the sky. I just wish it were not true. It might not be true. But today has been real. I am bleeding from my legs and there is a body a drop away from me right now. A body put there by me. If only it was all fake like Lorraine said. Tears bubble again. A familiar presence on my face. They will start to stain soon. I just want to go home. I want my dad. I want my mom. I want to hug my sisters again. I want to see Tommy again.