harley kelso | five | fin

Listen, I know what people think of me, alright? I am pretty much a full package, and that can be super intimidating, but believe it or not, guys, I am actually really nice once you get to know me. I know how easy it is to look at me and see someone who is handsome, and tall, and probably works out, and got to film a commercial for an animal skin lingerie line, and someone who is probably going to be really successful because his dad is loaded. But I am more than all that stuff.

I also run really fast, for example. And always, no matter where I am, I can tell when it's dark outside. Even when there is still light inside. I win at chubby bunny every time- although who doesn't win at chubby bunny? Marshmallows are delicious. My friends and I will all sit around in Eric's basement and- listen: I know they give me a hard time, and it's probably because I'm the leader and they all see me making everything look so easy that they get a little bit jealous- just like my Mom always said they would- but that's no big deal!

Well, usually. Sometimes they do hurt my feelings. Oh, that's another thing: I'm super in-tune with my emotions. Everyone likes a sensitive guy. Dad said if you show them your heart, even for a second, then hide it, they'll spend the rest of their lives trying to find it again. But he also dropped me on my head when I was little and Mom says that's why I can't spell too good anymore. So Mom says I shouldn't really take a lot of advice from him.

She says I shouldn't take advice from a lot of people, actually. She doesn't like Hyde because that one time we got caught smoking at the football field and he told the teachers I was the only one smoking and I got detention. Mom just doesn't understand good humor though- he got me GOOD. I got him back, though. He was cutting people's grass for money that summer and I put sugar in the gas tank of his mower and it didn't work anymore. He was out of a job the whole summer and he was maaaad. It was hilarious.

If Mom had it her way, I would spend all my time inside, like, reading, and doing science, and spending time with her and Dad for meals and like telling her I love her and stuff. People are weird like that- I never need validation. People just give it to me anyway 'cuz I'm so hot and nice and humble. Plus if they ever stopped I'd probably be sad about it! Anyway, I'm not gonna lie, I can sit here and talk about myself all day but you're being kinda quiet and it's weirding me out. Are you a nerd or something?

It's okay: I'm pretty smart too. I get how hard it can be.

No? Still not gonna say anything..?

Alight, that's fine. I kinda still want to talk about myself some more anyway. Let's see... Oh! Have I mentioned that I'm really good at posing? I pretty much practice every time I see a mirror: flexing my muscles, stretching out my neck, twisting my torso- it's all about creating dynamic shapes. I don't know what 'dynamic' is but that's what the photographers always say.

I also just found out I'm allergic to vegetables. Okay, wait, I am going to tell you a secret. Don't repeat it though. I'm not really allergic to vegetables. I told my Mom that her vegetable soup gave me a rash on my ass but what actually happened is I was climbing out of Laurie's window because Red showed up. I... did not have clothes on, if ya know what I mean. Landed right into a patch of poison ivy. On the plus side, I don't have to eat vegetables anymore. So that's great!

Alright, well, it's been nice talking to you, but someone else is probably going to want to use this urinal, so I guess I'll get back to the movie now. My friends are probably waiting for me anyway. Wait... how long has it been?



Bye!