Grace Lumen // D8 // FIN

cw: nightmares, abuse, anxiety, depression

I always had so much anxiety surrounding the Hunger Games, before I aged out of the reaping, but it was never as bad as my anxiety revolving around other things. For some reason, school and social settings sometimes made me worry more than the idea of being put into an arena for the purpose of fighting to the death in the Hunger Games did. I'm just glad that now, since I'm not in school or the reaping anymore, I have a lot less things to worry about. I can just focus on a normal, every day life like anyone else would my age.

Except, my life isn't totally normal, even with those things out of the way. I have so many different medical problems that I'm usually in a doctor's office for an appointment at least once, if not twice a week or more. Not only that, I have to see a counselor every so often or my mental health completely crashes. It absolutely sucks when that happens.

Luckily, I do have quite the support system. I have a bunch of friends who are really helpful and kind. My family is absolutely amazing and has always been there for me, and the same goes for my fiancé. My fiancé and I live together in our own apartment, and it's a dream come true getting to be with him all the time. At least, when he's not at work. I'm extremely grateful to have all of these wonderful people in my life, but I do still struggle sometimes. Even with the help, things can be tough sometimes.

Almost every night, I have nightmares. They're constant reminders of the trauma I've suffered, which never really does escape my mind. I wish I could forget it, and I'd rather not ever have to talk about or think about it again. If there were a way to just erase that part of my life, or at least that part of my memory, I would be much happier and probably function a lot better as a person.

The most I'm willing to tell you about the trauma that I went through is that my ex was a shitty person. Well, he was worse than that, but that's all you're getting. Talking about it I feel like just makes it more apparent in my brain and it makes things feel worse. Although, my counselor tells me I have to talk about it by choice if I don't want it to hurt as much when it's something that I have to talk to. Regardless, today isn't the day for that.

Before all of the stuff with my terrible ex happened, I lived a pretty tame life, aside from a few bumps in the road here and there. I grew up with two brothers and two loving parents. My older brother (he's twenty-five) lives on the other side of the District now, with his wife. My younger brother (he's twenty) lives with his girlfriend somewhere in between where I live and where my older brother lives. I'm only about five minutes down the road from my parents. I feel more comfortable being in a closer vicinity to them.

I have quite a lot of friends, but I don't get to see most of them very often. A lot of them are quite the hike across the District from me, so we only see each other once in a great while. I do have a few more local friends, which is nice, too, though. I get to see them a lot more frequently, and I'm even friends with some of my neighbors. Sometimes, my fiancé and I will go over to our neighbors' place and have a few drinks with them. It's a good time, if you ask me.

My life has definitely started to go back to normal, and is even looking up in the right direction, now. It's such a relief to feel that happiness again that I had been missing for a couple of years. I actually feel joy in my life, now. It's not perfect, as I mentioned before, since I still have to deal with the side effects of the trauma I went through, but I would say that things are definitely improving in my life. I may have even reached a high point, and it's still going up.

No more Hunger Games. No more terrible ex boyfriend. No more school-induced stress.

Sure, I have the occasional struggles, but my happiness is able to overcome it most days.