88th Bloodbath

What am I now? What am I now?
What if I’m someone you don’t want around?
I’m falling again. I’m falling.

“I never thought you’d come” -Bubby Caro

A tan button up fit too snugly around my waist. It seemed to be fitted perfectly to my body, leaving no room for breathing. I remembered seeing the popular boys in school dress like this, but I always valued comfort and efficiency. Sailor called the storm blue tie a ‘neckercheif’ but it’s just an ugly tie. I smiled slightly as she secured it to my collar and hid my eye-roll.

I was offered a pair of shorts and a pair of pants. They said I could choose, but both were a prison green. I chose the shorts.

I also picked a pair of pink crew-cut socks patterned with anchors. Anchors are cool, I supposed. But I mostly selected them because they clashed with the shorts. They looked ridiculous, but it’s nice payback to Sailor after she forced me to wear the fish nets.

Finally, I selected this ironic hat that said “fish are friends, not food”. I’m sure they offered it to me thinking, ‘oh District Four will love this!’ But honestly, I thought it was silly. Of course fish are food.

“Of course I did. I’d never miss this.” -Alistair Beau

These hours of last minute games preparation were my last few hours of freedom. No, not freedom. Sanctum. While Sailor dressed me. Or Beck and Annie gave me last minute advice. Or the other tributes looked me up and down. Those were the last few moment of my life where no one was trying to kill me.

It’d be the last time Six O’Malley looked at me and was excited to see me. Next time, he’d be putting a knife to my throat. I hoped he’d hesitate.

“No, I didn’t mean today. I meant, ever. I never thought there’d be someone to rely on. Someone like you.” -Bubby Caro

I was surprisingly calm. I’d been lucky enough to be able to sleep. Maybe it’d because I knew I stood so little chance out there, that it was easier to accept it, than it was to worry about it. But I went through the morning without a sign of a panic attack. I ate my full meal, and kept it down.

I wondered about my family. Was Sissy eating? She didn’t eat the blueberry muffins on reaping day. There’s no way she’s eating now. I’m sure mom cooked something nice. It was a distraction for her. But I know today my family went hungry. I wanted to feel guilty about it. But I couldn’t slip now.

“I knew from the day I saw you barefoot on the beach that I was destined to love you.” -Alistair Beau

I knew it was a slippery slope, so I avoided thinking of Alistair.

That was a lie.

I tried to. But each time I shoved him from my mind, the ghost of his love knocked on my door.

Was it guilt? Is that why he came back to me?

“Love?” -Bubby Caro

I should’ve yelled at him. When he came to visit before I left. I shouldn’t have hugged him. I should have made him think I hated him. Maybe he wouldn’t miss me as much. He asked me to come back, and I said ‘I’ll try’. I should’ve told him I wasn’t.

“I love you, Bubby Caro.” -Alistair Beau

I wasn’t. Maybe I could avoid being killed. Maybe I could make it to the final two. But I wasn’t not a killer. It’s not something I could pretend to be. I couldn’t take a life just to save my own. And Alistair knew that. He knew me better than I knew myself and he knew I wasn’t going to make it back.

Why? Why would he come there and ask me to come home to him. Why tell me he’d marry me if I came home. Why break my heart and leave me lost at the bottom of the ocean just to come back then. He made me promise I’d come home, knowing I couldn’t.

Maybe it was to relieve his own guilt. He knew he chose wrong when he crumbled my heart and left it rotting in the sand. But now, I’m the one who made a promise I can’t keep. I’m the one who is leaving him, now. Is that why he did it? To make me the bad guy?

No, he’d never. He loved me too much. He was always willing to fall on any sword for me. Every time.

That was a lie.

When he saw me on that beach and asked me to dance. That Alistair Beau would’ve died for me. That Alistair would be standing here right now, because he’d never let me be reaped. I wouldn’t have wanted him to, never. I’d have been so angry at him. But that Alistair Beau would have done it anyways. That Alistair would have volunteered. And he’d have come back.

But people change.

“Where have you been?” -Bubby Caro

The Alistair Beau who showed up late. The Alistair who danced around questions. The Alistair who lied to me about his mother. The Alistair who promised me a life moments before turning down the one I offered him. That Alistair would have made me a villain. That Alistair would have sent me to die with a promise I couldn’t keep

Which Alistair visited me in the Justice Building?

“Some place that does not matter now.” -Alistair Beau

It mattered to me! Where is he now? He’s at home watching a screen, hoping I don’t die, but knowing I will.

And I was rising up a stone elevator and in that moment I was surrounded by rounded walls and white lights. And I was alone. And Alistair was there with me. Haunting me.

“Marry me, Ali?” -Bubby Caro

The bravest thing I’d ever done. Bravery that he taught me. But now, it was gone. I was rising and rising.

My heart was lifting to my throat.

Rising, rising.

Ali was wax-winged on his way to the sun.

Rising, rising.

My breath was shortening. I breathed in as much as I could and it caught in my throat and wouldn’t share with my lungs. I gasped and I choked. Tears fell but I was,

Rising, rising.

“I wish I could... I won’t let you ruin yourself by marrying me.” -Alistair Beau

The elevator reached the top and I was blinded by the bright sun scorching the green turfed field, littered with plants. And as the air rushed through, I stepped back, almost to far as I gasped it in. The whole of tributes could see as my red-stained cheeks shook with fear.

The air had found a back way to my diaphragm and I collected it ambitiously. The timer had already begun and I was still choking.

“I didn’t know if you would come.” -Bubby Caro

I darted my eyes around. I found Six, but I didn’t let him make eye contact. I was breathing.

I found Bellamy. He wasn’t helping.

Liara. She wasn’t looking.

Mauve. She was terrifying. But she was strong. I found her, and I stared until my breath regulated. She would kill me, I was sure of it. But she’d also keep me alive past today. And that’s all I could hope for.

The panic past.

My family wouldn’t lose me today.

Alistair, wouldn’t lose me.

Not today.

“Come back to me, okay?” -Alistair Beau

Not today. But they would lose me.