syrena fray | resub | fin

My whole life has been a performance, I guess. Like, I was born as a triplet. My sister Elvena is the oldest, so she's always been a bitch. My brother Trylle was the youngest, so he's always been fucking annoying. I'm the middle child, which means I was supposed to be a switch hitter- someone my parents burdened with expectations of responsiblity just like Elvena, but also someone they never really took seriously just like Trylle. Really depended on the day. Ultimately, it made me feel really shitty for a really long time, because I didn't like the person I'd been crafted to be. The other one. The quiet one. I wasn't even thought of as the smart one. The quiet one always gets pegged as smart- I just got pegged as... other.

My parents died when we were fifteen. I think that's when I first started really thinking about this stuff. I never really talked about it with anyone. Like, any of it. I guess because I knew what they'd say: I'm sorry for your loss, or I can't imagine your pain, or You must miss them so. I felt like they were all feeding me lines. Like what I actually felt didn't make any kind of a difference because they were just waiting for it to be their own turn to speak again.

Isn't interaction such a strange social construct? Like, we go through life playing characters. We play the roles we are assigned in every single situation we could possibly be in, and that's like, what we look forward to. When something off-script happens we all freak the fuck out. You know what I'm talking about, right? It's like. When you sit at the dinner table and your mom has put green beans on your plate because she's your mom and so that means you have to eat stuff you don't like so you understand that she is in control, right? And so, you recognize that, and you react to it like a teenager in this situation is supposed to react: you roll your eyes, a silent conversation being had between the two of you with no more than a single look each.

You already know your roles before either of you have even spoken. You've played them well for years now, honed in the dialogue, sat through the rewrites and the edits. You know these characters inside out by now. Maybe that's the issue, maybe people just get stuck playing the same characters in every production. I know it started pissing me off, always feeling like a side character. That's why I vowed to never be one again.

But, like, really though. You know what I'm saying is true, right? Think about it. The first thing every therapist tells you is that everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Of course it is. You're right on the money, reading the pre-written words syllable by syllable, just as they were written on the page.

I figured out the secret, though. You can control the kinds of characters you play. It's sort of like switching the channel. Elvena was always a better fighter than me. Rewrite: I never cared about being as good of a fighter as Elvena. Trylle always had more friends. Rewrite: I am only friends with people I want to be friends with. Ursula stopped initiating conversations for a week when I got first runner up in the same pageant Pillar had lost at some point and Sophie had won. Rewrite: She didn't critique me, and felt that First Runner Up, Best Dressed, and Miss Congeniality was impressive enough.

I stopped being a background character the very moment I let myself stand center stage.

And now, I find myself in a rather delightful position. My meekness, the thing that makes me quiet in a group, the thing that made someone as unattainable as me seem attainable, has actually shifted things into my favor. I'm a crucial part of several social circles. I have made personal ties with Le Rouxs, and Vanburens, and Lumieres, and just about every name on District One's wheel. I think, sub consciously, I was always aware and I was just doing all the groundwork so that what came later would be easier, but now, I have knowledge. And that gives me power. I know everyone. I know their secrets. I know their fears. I know their weaknesses.

And I'm aware that nothing is real. We spend all of our time lying to ourselves, feigning free will, and it's a joke. Nothing is real. I guess in that regard, I'm just another tooth in the pearl pin holding back some too-rich woman's hair while she tries not to puke white wine all over the new linoleum. I play my part. I read my lines. I'm an eighteen year old girl. I'm just a silly kid. I'm just a vapid teenager, obsessed with the way she looks and what people think of her. I'm an eager career. I'm a slut. I'm allergic to bees. I've modeled in the Capitol. Of course I don't know what ketamine is! I'm whatever I want you to think I am. My knowledge is my power because now, I'm not playing the characters who were chosen for me. No, not at all. Now, I'm the writer.

It's main character season, bitch. Enjoy the show.