i measure every grief | sissy & kaylan

The awkward sound of the chair squeaking against the tiled floor. The concerned smile of the teacher illuminated by the fluorescent lighting of the classroom. The stares of all the other students in the class staring at the subject of the interruption. The school counsellor assuring the student that they weren't in trouble, that they just wanted to have a conversation. This was a routine that Sissy had began to notice after each year the Reaping came around. The counsellor would pull the family members of the reaped tribute away from class suddenly, leaving just an empty chair where that student used to sit.

It was the last period of the day when it finally happened to her. The stares, the awkward shuffling, the concerned looks. She imagined this is what stage fright felt like. She was never one to feel insecure, but suddenly she felt so small, like her classmates would swallow her whole with their judgemental eyes. She was usually the student that teachers tried to avoid. That Sissy Caro, she's a handful, they'd say underneath their breaths. But now, she felt she had to fight the sympathetic remarks off with a stick. 

She hated it. It made her feel pathetic and weak.

"There's no rules as to how you're supposed to feel," the counsellor would tell her. The aura of her office smelled of chocolates and lemon aerosol, and her walls were lined with posters about success and achieving. "this is an extraordinary situation, and no one can tell you how you can and can't feel."

"I'm fine," she would reply, harshly. But she wasn't fine. Usually, her mind would roam in her daydreams of being rich and famous, becoming Panem's next top Olympian, relishing in the accomplishments of being the District's top doctor. Now, images of Bubby being violently stabbed in the back by a demodeer haunted her brain. Bubby running away from the battlefield as this years top tribute was stabbed in the neck by that random guy from seven.

It all haunted her brain, and she felt everything, yet nothing at all.

That was, until she finally was dismissed from the counsellor's office and her emotions flooded her brain in the form of a tidal wave of tears. Sobs echoed throughout her, aching through her chest as she rushed through the courtyard. Sissy Caro was not one for showing her emotions; she was tough, the toughest girl on the playground, and she wasn't going to let any of her peers think otherwise, even as the tears streamed down her face. Crying was for the weak, and that was not Sissy.

That was, until she scanned her surroundings to see if anyone was watching, and she found Kaylan Wake staring at her show. Her cheeks reddened with embarrassment as she quickly wiped her tears away, a trail of snot still trickling down the bridge of her lips as she walked up to confront him.

"What're you staring at?" She said, as she tried her best to throw on her tough-girl exterior, despite her emotions desperately clawing through the surface in the form of tears welling up at her cheeks. Kaylan was in the grade above her - a quiet, reserved type of guy. The type of boy Sissy would normally find herself picking on if she hadn't been too busy avoiding any kind of human contact in the fear of being the subject of sympathy. "Otherwise, be on with your day," she continued, scoffing at the older boy.

He was so kind. Why? Sissy wondered, as her scowl stiffened at Kaylan’s outstretched hand. How could someone be so kind in a world so cruel? A world that could tear her older brother away from her so quickly, without any thought or hesitation. They didn’t know Bubby. They didn’t know his softness and the way he always knew what to say. They didn’t know him like she did, and Sissy thought maybe if they did, the Capitol wouldn’t have taken him away from her.<o:p></o:p>

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 She reluctantly took a tissue and muttered a quick thanks, blotting the tears which threatened to burst through her toughened exterior. For a second, Sissy felt her guard lower as she crumpled the used tissue up and stuffed it in her pocket. Kaylan was kind. Kaylan shared the same aura as Bubby. Their sheepish posture, their slightly awkward way of speaking.<o:p></o:p>

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For a moment, the scent of blueberry muffins wafted in the air, reminding her of the last day she saw Bubby. It’s been a week and two days, yet it felt like an eternity. She was already mourning the loss of someone who hadn’t even passed yet. Grief made the passage of time so much slower, the gears of the clock churning with every excruciating moment that she watched Bubby on the television. The hands moved slowly, almost as if they could feel Sissy’s breath hitching with each day that passed by.<o:p></o:p>

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As the nauseating smell of blueberry muffins subsided, she vowed to never eat blueberry muffins again.<o:p></o:p>

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Kaylan asked her what was wrong, his voice showing genuine concern. He greeted Sissy’s hostility with kindness, and it somehow upset her even more. Her mother always told her that the best way to get back at someone being mean was to kill them with kindness, and she never understood what that meant until now. Kaylan’s response to her was like an annoying scab that just wouldn’t go away. She felt irritated with him, that he could be so caring for a stranger in times like these. Didn’t he know better?<o:p></o:p>

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“Sissy,” she responded, the only way she knew how. “Sissy Caro.” She emphasized her last name with the hopes that he would connect the dots. She didn’t want to admit that her brother was fighting for his life at a glorified murder camp – no, that would put them both in an already awkward situation.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>

She just wished Kaylan left her alone in the first place. She thought she was perfectly capable of handling her problems herself.<o:p></o:p>

The thought of freshly baked cookies made her stomach churn with anticipation, but then the memory of her and Bubby in the kitchen baking on a Sunday afternoon, the smell of chocolate filling the air, laughter and smiles shared between the two. Her stomach turned against her, and nausea took over, rushing through every inch of her body.

A part of her wanted nothing more than to go over to Kaylan's, feel a true sense of camaraderie that she had not felt since before Bubby got reaped, to avoid the sympathy and the stares of her friends who did not know how to handle her grief so they left her to her own devices. Kaylan could be exactly that - an escape, from all of the emotions trapped inside of her, for just one afternoon. A friend; one who shared the same loving and caring nature Bubby did.

But another part of her wanted to hit Kaylan, to unload all of the emotional trauma she had been feeling into her fist and transfer her pain onto him. The feeling of desperation and lack of control seethed through her as she raised her hand toward Kaylan, a gesture that represented her resentment towards Kaylan. Resentment for being so nice to her, when she had shown him such hostility. Resentment for not feeling the same pain as her. Resentment for being there for a stranger when they were in need.

Yet, her hand could not strike. Her hand shook with every second it was raised. Then, her emotions took hostage of her, coming down in a rainfall of tears down her cheeks, her breath hitching with every sob she let out. 

She slowly lowered her hand. Her sobs continued to echo throughout the streets. Her lack of control forced her to forget about her feeling of superiority over Kaylan as she let go of every hostile thought inside of her.

As her fiat lowered, so did her guard. She sunk into Kaylan's kindness, and took his tissue with a shaking hand, offering it back to him as the sniffles began on his end. She almost felt solidarity with him - her emotions impacted him in the same way they impacted her, with no control or baring on them. They were as reckless as a wild animal - their emotions next move unpredictable with each move. She hated feeling like this. She hated feeling so vulnerable, yet she felt she could around Kaylan.

As her body exasperated with every sob she took, she gave into her emotions and let instinct kick in. Bubby holding her as she cried into his shoulder, her pressing her tear stained cheek against his cotton shirt as he bandaged her scraped knee. Bubby reassuring her after her crush had rejected her after the school dance. Bubby holding her hand as they made their way to her first reaping. Bubby.

She collapsed into Kaylan, hugging the teary-eyed boy as both of their tears became one, their cries becoming a chorus of sadness and grief and sympathy and all the emotions their preteen brains couldn't handle. He was so warm, so reassuring, she didn't even think about the oddness of the situation, how she was hugging someone she had just met that afternoon, that Kaylan just had that gentle soul that touched Sissy.

After seconds turned into minutes, Sissy finally let go, realizing the state of her vulnerability had lead her to hug a boy she approached with hostility. She thought about how that was her first time ever hugging a boy, and maybe if she wasn't so stricken with grief, maybe she would be blushing and feel butterflies erupting in her gut with the feelings of an adolescent crush.

"S-sorry!" She blurted out, embarrassment taking over. Her sobs had turned into sniffles as she wiped her running nose with Kaylan's tissue. "Yeah... maybe. Maybe cookies would be good."