cayden valerie. d2. fin.

Knowledge and intelligence are two different things is what a lot of people don't seem to understand. Knowledge is all of the skills and information you've learned throughout the course of your life. Intelligence is whether or not you can apply that knowledge. Intelligence is hard to improve, though possible. Knowledge on the other hand? Knowledge is endless.

My siblings might be more intelligent than me, honestly. They know how to apply their skills, especially when it comes to combat. They know how to use their knowledge to their advantage. But when it comes to who knows more? I hate to come off as arrogant but I definitely win that one. While they focused on fighting and training, I spent my time learning.

I never wanted to be a career, but my father made me like he made the rest of my siblings. During training, I still find any opportunity I can to learn actual knowledge rather than practice chopping someone's head off. Of course, I still have to actually train from time to time. Most weaponry is hard for me to use. I don't have an athletic build nor do I have much athleticism. What I do have, is an accurate aim and the ability to use projectiles. It doesn't matter if an enemy is bigger than you if you can kill them before they get close enough to hurt you.

Regardless, I like to spend my time in the library, reading anything I can. I've read about previous Hunger Games, plants, animals, the dictionary, classic plays, history books, even math books for fun. However, my favourite thing to read about is science. Chemistry and physics are my favourite type of science. Seeing how the world works and how two things interact - whether these be chemicals or natural forces like gravity - it fascinates me beyond belief.

Physics is seen in our everyday life. For example, a simple ball point pen. You probably have a million of these laying around the house - I know I do. Physics explains how these work.  The ball works as a cap on the pen so the ink doesn't dry while inside of the ink cartridge.  The ball stays put between this ink cartridge or reservoir due to a socket. However, as you roll around the ball by moving the pen across the paper gravity forced the ink from the reservoir onto the ball which then gets transferred onto the paper.

More practically, traps in the Hunger Games also use physics a lot of the time. A prime example is any trap that results in a tribute falling in a pit. Usually some sort of tarp or blanket is places over the pit. It has leaves or brush over it to hide the pit and this force isn't enough for the tarp to fall. However, a human being has more mass and thus more force is applied when a human is on the tarp. This results in the human and tarp falling into the pit trap.

In my opinion, knowledge is far more important than something like strength. Strength only serves you. It only results in bloodshed and war. Knowledge? Knowledge is how we advance society. Philosophers, teachers, and leaders use knowledge rather than strength if they want society to get anywhere. Think about it, if rebels had tried to use knowledge rather than warfare during their initial rebellion maybe we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. It's just far superior.

Self-confidence and I have a confusing relationship. I know I'm smart. I know that there's things that I'm good at. But, do I love myself? Do I even like myself? Does anyone like me? I think the answer to all of those questions is "no". I don't feel inferior, but that doesn't mean I like myself if that makes sense.

There's so many things I don't like about myself I don't know where to start. Socialization is hard for me. I have a lot of trouble understanding things like tone. I think I'm making a joke, but then no one gets it and they take me seriously. Or I have a really hard time taking hints from people. If someone doesn't want to be around me I can't always tell. I'd prefer if people just tell me straight up rather than give vague hints.

I also tend to make things worse in my head. I can't tell if someone is just busy or ignoring me. I can't tell if someone considers me a friend or not. I think part of this has to do with how I grew up. My father has always ignored me, but he's still my father. And I never really had friends growing up. This lack of socialization from a young age has made it really hard for me to understand social cues. How am I supposed to convey my tone properly when I never had that trial and error period growing up?

As a result, I don't talk a lot. And when I do, my tone or word choice or this or that is off and it comes off as weird or rude. I've heard what people say about me. I've been called a dick. Weird. A freak. A loser. And honestly, they aren't wrong. But what they don't understand is I'm trying. I'm trying to improve. I'm trying to be normal. I'm hiding and masking the odd parts of myself to try to be like everyone else. But I think at this point I'm too far gone. Even if I keep the secrets buried.

Who I am is Cayden Valerie. I'm scrawny and I'm short - the runt of the litter if you will. I have lighter brown hair than most of my family and my eyes are a darker blue. I have the same pale skin and if you ask me my lips are a little too big for the rest of my face. My hair is long, which does make me look a bit feminine. But, I am who I am.

Some people see me as arrogant. Some people see me as weird. Some people think me wearing nice sweaters and button-ups makes me odd and others just think it makes me a tryhard. I just think it reminds people that I'm a boy. Sometimes I go out in t-shirts and jeans, but then I get people assuming I'm a girl until the moment that I speak. And once they hear my voice they still aren't sure. When really, I'm just Cayden.

I'm gay. I'm gay and I'm very proud of that fact. I'm proud of myself for being able to accept and love that part of me, even when I struggle with loving so much about myself. The issue is, the one part I love about myself, no one else does. If I show that part, if I show how proud I am, everything changes. So I must hide the one part of myself I fought so hard for. But, that's okay. Maybe one day I'll be able to show it to the world. Maybe one day it'll be safe enough.