harmon pepperwood . d10. fin

cw: drug and alcohol mention

It helps me relax. The weed, that is. If I didn't have it, anxiety would rule my life. When Thad told me that he was going to volunteer for the Games, if I weren't high, I probably would've yelled at him and told him he was insane. Instead, I lied to him and hyped him up, even though I really hated lying. I just didn't want to start and argument. I told him to go for it, and that he'd do great. When I sobered up, I realized what a bad idea that had been. He was going to volunteer for sure now, I just knew it. It was all my fault, too.

Then, the reaping actually came. Thad didn't even have to volunteer- he was picked. I should've taken his place. I really wish I had. Sure, he's always had street smarts, but his other smarts? He was kind of... lacking, if I'm being entirely forward about it. I always beat him at football, and I did surprisingly well in school. I probably would've been able to at least fend for myself.

Regardless, as the Games go on, and he continues to survive, I continue to hope he'll make it out alive. I'm usually not a softie. I don't really show my emotions to too many people, even if they're my own family. Regardless, I care about Thad, and I want him to be able to come home alive. I want to spend time with him again. I want to play football with him again, and I want to kick his ass at it again, too.

When the Games weren't a thought in my mind, if I wasn't playing football with Thad and Larry, I was usually having a good time at a party. I haven't been to a party since the Games started, though. I haven't been able to get thoughts about Thad fighting for his life out of my mind.

During the time prior to the Games where I did party, I would go to a friend's house, or sometimes that of a stranger, and do whatever I could to have fun. I would drink, I would smoke, I would use drugs that I really shouldn't be using. Overall, I'd just enjoy myself. It was a good time, but now, I can't get my mind off of things long enough to enjoy any of that other than the smoking, which I'll admit, I've started doing even more now.

I've started to feel like I'm the one who's suffering, even though I know it's really Thad. He's the one who decided he should go into the Games, but I didn't volunteer for him. I could've stopped that suffering from ever even starting to happen to him. Although, would he suffer if I were the one in the Games, like I was suffering with him being in the Games? I wasn't really sure.

I miss my normal life, and I truly feel like it's my fault it all turned out this way. I could've stopped this from happening. Even if I still didn't volunteer, maybe I could have convinced some random cocky kid from school to do it instead. Someone who wanted to go into the Games would've gladly volunteered for Thad. I could've paid their family as compensation or something. Anything. I could've saved Thad.

I have a hard time focusing on my work on Pepperwood Farms nowadays. I'm supposed to work with the cattle, but I can't think. I got my foot stepped on by a bull the other day because I wasn't paying attention, and let me tell you, that shit hurts. Real bad. I just want things to go back to the way they were before. I just want life to be normal again.

For now, though, I have to look out for my brothers and make sure that they're doing okay. They're more important than me, right? That's how I feel, anyway. They deserve the world, even if I never tell them that. I hate feeling like I'm lying to them, but I can't show weakness in front of them, or anyone.

I can't ruin my reputation.