little ugly things /avriel

I don't bring the rain with me when I go into the trees that line the path, I leave it in the canopy, to catch on the leaves there and follow me down slow.

Grizzled tree trunks twist up towards the sky, wrapped around the stems of long redwoods that look as if they've been rooted there for hundreds of years, instead of a few months. I pick my way through them, the path far behind me now and the bodies of Willa and Nora out of sight, out of mind.

I thought I heard the sound of a stream earlier when we passed this way and the idea of getting clean for the first time in days is too good to pass up. The girls are resting back in the clearing, everyone lost, stuck in their own heads and I try not to think about Ariel and Blade and how they must be feeling. I don't know how to look at either of them. I don't want them to look at me and finally understand that look in my eyes; that profound sense of loss that comes on so fast you hardly have time to register it.

I don't know how to explain anymore what it feels like to see someone die but I don't have to now. They've seen it, they know and I think that's what scares me the most.

They've seen how easy it actually is to kill someone, how long until Areto realizes they don't need me anymore? How long until I wake up to Blade's knife on my throat or Ariel's spear digging into my back?

Maybe I should just go.

I stop and turn to look back towards where I came from but it's hard to see the clearing now. Out of sight, out of mind. I know that I'm the extra in this alliance, that Areto only let me stick around for the numbers, but how much longer do I have?

I died a little once, felt the clock ticking, could hear it perpetually from down the hall and since then I've known that I've been living on borrowed time.

I finally find the stream and after I follow it for a few minutes, I come across a little spot where the water bunches and pools enough for me to wash off. It's hard to find a spot on my skin that isn't grimy these days, my own blood mixed with dirt and sweat seems to cover every surface.

I strip naked, the process slow and careful, it's hard to raise my arms properly and using my legs for anything but walking is just painful. I hold my tongue against the roof of my mouth as I pull my boxers off, the process enough to make me hiss with pain.

The water is freezing, like lightening tearing through me the further I inch myself into the stream, but the feeling is also good, as if every second I spend in the cold brightens me further. The water doesn't go deep enough for me to loose my footing. I unfurl, tipping my head back into the water, eyes shut, arms out and palms open, I am cradled by it.

Every breath is sharp, every movement clear in the icy water and when I open my eyes again the forest looks more green. Water runs through my hair, gently pulling apart the matts. Blood mixes into the water around me and is carried off down the stream until eventually, it runs clear again.

It's weird, but I sort of feel alright for a bit. The tight feeling in my chest is gone, it's hard to think too much when I'm this cold.

Still, the scent of iron is always on the wind here and I don't want to die naked, so I pull myself out of the water, frozen fingers fumbling with my clothes. I don't want to leave the others for long, we've spent almost all of our time together over the last few days, it feels odd to be without them. The day will come soon enough that I am.

I push my wet hair back and head back the way that I came.