with our claws hidden — julian &. avriel [day 4]

a v r i e l .

"Well, I've been normal,
I've been ostracised
I've watched through a window
As my young self died"

He feels different after his wash, a skeleton flower in the rain, petals transparent and open towards the grey skies. Avriel walks back towards the path, maybe going a little slower than he should be. Water drips off his hair and down the back of his neck, sending little shivers of cold down his spine. His body feels warm after the cold stream, every raindrop that hits him is welcome, his mother's hand on his forehead brushing his hair back.

Avriel smiles a little to himself.

It hasn't even been an hour since he watched two girls die, hasn't been an hour since all the cannon fire started but it already feels so long ago, as if it all happened in another life to a different boy.

But what is he supposed to do? Cry for a couple of strangers that he knew nothing about? Avriel's never been good at that. People die all the time for different reasons and Avriel's spent so much time mourning his parents that he doesn't have room for people he doesn't know.

How's he supposed to be sad when their deaths means that he's one step closer to going home?

Because he's decided on that, somewhere between wondering if he should just die on the banks of the lake a few days ago to now, there's been a change in him, a hunger finally grown. It gnaws at him from the inside, a snarling, selfish thing that'd lain dormant in him for years and years, he wants to live.

He wants to live.

So he smiles, and you can't judge him for that, you don't know what it's been like for him.

"Hey stranger."

Julian, at least he's pretty certain. Avriel drops the small bundle of sticks he'd been collecting on his way back and turns to look behind him at the boy from One, the mighty lion who doesn't seem so mighty anymore. He watches, tense as the other boy raises his hands and makes a promise, "peace."

Avriel doesn't trust him, there's no reason to.

"-kill me?" he finishes Julian's sentence for him, "Chivalry like that'll get you dead."

In Nine, you see an opportunity, you take it. It doesn't matter whose back is turned, bullets aren't cheap and the less you have to use the better. Anyway, Avriel's always thought it's kind of egotistical to show someone that you're going to kill them, kind of cruel too. Who in their right mind would want to know they're about to die?

Careers are fucking weird, man.

Julian looks kind of small beneath the trees and so Avriel bites his tongue as the other boy speaks. His arms hang at his sides, he isn't going to attempt to hurt him, he knows he won't get far. Julian could probably kill him without a knife in his hand anyway, Avriel doesn't stand much of a chance against him in close combat.

"You alright?" he asks, "You kind of look like shit, Jules."

There's a small hint of worry in his tone but like most things Avriel says, the words come out hollow, too blunt. He remembers that easy smile that'd been on Julian's face in the training centre though and it's nowhere to be seen here. He doesn't look like the prodigal son here, in the dark beneath the canopy, he just looks like some kid in the rain.

Avriel doesn't look much better. The bandages on his legs weren't meant to be this wet and there's already fresh blood dotting the grey cotton since his little swim. He hurts but at this point he's been hurting for so long that for a crazy moment, he's pretty sure he could go on hurting like this for the rest of his life.

Maybe if tomorrow is the day it all ends.

The other boy warns him of monsters but it sounds a little bit like a thinly veiled threat. Avriel doesn't know how to interpret that, everyone here talks in riddles, like poetry and Av's never been good at that flower speech. He tends to be more jarring, more like a rock through a window.

"Yeah, I seen monsters," he says and he tilts his head to the side, "Couple of wolves and shit at the picnic tables if you're looking."

Right here, too.

And it's only then that he realizes his voice is trembling a little, that the grit to his teeth is a little too tense, that his hands aren't supposed to be shaking like they are and it shouldn't feel like he's constantly trying to hold back tears.

"I'm getting better," he answers, fingers brushing over the hilt of one of the throwing knives shoved into his belt out of habit, "What about you? Kill anyone yet?"

Avriel takes a step back, eyes on Julian's, his heart races but that's nothing new, from the first moment Avriel saw him, Julian has always made him nervous.

It's that smile.