billie baptiste. d9 resub

(( B I L L I E . ))

Can't I just fucking know what's going on? Can't I just know?

My brothers & I all do our own thing- that's how habits work, dumbass. There's blood on my hands, the smell of gunpowder follows Avri like it's something casual and I don't even know where Duke's off to. 

Parents, you know, who needs them?

Me, I just dissociate in the shower, that makes me feel better.

Better.

We're okay, okay?

I've spent so long trying to kill my bad habits, I'm worried they're gonna try to kill me back at this point. Smoking comes as easy as doodling eyes when people talk to me, like I can look at them through the paper and exist on some different plane. Ken tells me it's okay, that people just... die. Good people without warning and I have to be okay with that eventually; maybe I am. Especially this last year, I'm dead without Avri and he's dead with me, and Duke's dead without both of us and-

Goddamn it, where is Duke?! 

But I trust her, I trust Ken and her stupid pink hair and how she keeps her head down far enough for the both of us. Back street surgeons and I try not to feel bad stealing from her, I try to just convince myself she knows I need it, she knows I'm just borrowing it Ken, Avri's just bleeding again and I don't have anything else to fix it. He's lost weight, and Duke's gaining baby fat again. 

That's reassuring, that at least one of us might have a few good days left. 

You know, I used to hunt down reasons to be upset? I get so mad at myself for it these days, something about actually becoming the victim makes me realize I've got to wish for some better shit. Maybe my karma's just fucked up, maybe just maybe God- in whatever fucked up form he has- missed my name last year and is trying to kill me off differently or slower or something. It's just... I don't know! I don't fucking know, I'm shedding hair at sixteen and I don't know how much longer I can do this until Avri pops his fat head in again and he goes, 

"'Sis?"

And I go, "salut connard," in our aunt's one bedroom apartment. I'd be on the dining table, legs crossed eating crackers off the table. I'm etching eyes into the wood of it because it freaks Theodore out, and I hate that I love when she's concerned for me. It's so much easier when I don't have to say anything. 

Avriel (dumbass), he comes in and he stops. And I feel it in my gut the way he's waiting for a better response and he just goes, "tu vas bien aujourd'hui" 

And I swallow spit. 

I don't know how to tell him the water got shut off, and Theo doesn't get paid for another two weeks. 

That Ken doesn't pay me, so I stole pain meds like it's workers comp. That I'm trying my hardest not to sabotage the only adult that keeps me around, but I'm just so shit at it.

And when I don't say anything, Avriel laughs once. I hear it, before he says "tu as encore donné ta langue au chat, eh?" 

"Pouah." Rolling my eyes like it's a scream he can't hear and I just want him to be as upset as I feel, why can't you just read my mind already. But, like, not how you're doing it right now, fuck. I try my hardest not to say anything, ain't it rude to ask knowing that? My hands clenched on the pen, mind still trying to answer his first question and I just look to him and say "no." 

I didn't, Avriel, because we don't have a cat anymore. 

But it isn't his fault, and he knows that, and he knows I don't mean to blame him, he's just the closest thing to dad we have left and that's what I hate. I did the same thing to Duke when we first lost them & I was still trying to cope with losing my spot as a middle child and becoming his younger parent. Now I'm at the point I've accepted this, I think, and now I'm taking it out on Avriel instead. 

Only difference is he understands, I think. We don't yell at each other or anything, probably because we know to hide the shit from each other, but ... I hate it. He's my best friend still and not being able to go back to school made him my only friend, I don't pretend to know how he makes his money but I know better than to ask. Just like I know better to be mad at the circumstances. 

But, a piece of me wants to do it so.

"Comment vas-tu cependant?"

"Pardon. Je pense que j'ai raté votre réponse plus tôt?"

"Shit head." 

I don't know. 

But how do I tell him that again? And why does it feel like such a lie? 

Because on my good days, I don't have to feel anything. I don't think about it, or life, I just think about working with Ken and helping Duke out with his cooking or his school. I take over the house for Theo, doing dishes and laundry and saving mine for last- I've got a laundry bag in my closet that I've saved for two months now. I got so angry with Duke & Avriel and I tried so hard to hide it that they're doing better and I'm still doing worse. 

I think death comes slowly now, in a morbid way. 

I can feel my old life dying off, the things that made me happy are gone and with them so am I. Maybe I've already started rotting, and Ken's too late for that surgery. Maybe I'm already dead, and I just got to get warm again. But... just, how? 

When do I get to know these things?