new school id | tat

They played Julian's death in class that day. 

I guess they were too embarrassed to show Emmy's then. 

But it's funny, because when I laugh at Areto dying in a mask I'm the fucked one! Maybe it's because I took a couple of drags before the assembly, I don't know. My guidance counselor signed me up for ap mutt-bio first period and that's been my designated time to hot box the b-wing girls bathroom. It's fucked because I don't know where I'm gonna smoke after I graduate, Emmy, Em, Rory and I used to hide out there all freshmen year. 

I guess they would have graduated and I would've been doing this alone anyways, but it's different, of course. When Emerson got reaped I knew she was gonna get murdered, I mean, I'm not fucking stupid. This isn't my first time, Ridley only won because she's not a Le Roux. We aren't shit, she is. And you know, I didn't have hope when she first got reaped, but then Julian followed after her and I knew I was never seeing her again. 

That sucks, obviously, but I got her clothes just like I got Silk's. 

Cathy got the hand-me down's I didn't want, only because I guess I'm faster than her. All I'm saying is I'd kill her in the Hunger Games if we were reaped together, if Emmy can't do it she sure as hell can't. There's a reason I sit with the real careers and she sits with the girls who won't have one after the reaping. 

One of the senior teachers are giving the analysis, point by point on how my cousin lost the Hunger Games. Same way as the last one when Silk died before top 8, Emmy and I sat together then and now I'm here with her old group. Rora dropped out and now I'm their dealer somehow, 16 sitting with seniors, gag. 

Julian slips, I'm sketching an alien in my notes. 

Areto kills him when I'm not looking, it happens quicker than I expected. Some of the guys at the table were friends with him, me hitting my vape was louder than they were when it happened. First time? Maybe it's out of respect, after Silk died people were pretty weird around me, I'm just tired of it at this point. Don't worry, I've already lost my favorites, if any of my cousins get reaped I'm just gonna lie and say I don't know them. 

Fuck, just let it be someone else's family! I know better at this point -- I was ten when Ridley won, six years now I'm ready for the Capitol to forget about us already. It's six years of people studying why my family keeps dying, and I'm just sitting here listening to it all wondering what they'll say when I'm gone. 

Wondering if they realize how hard it obviously is, they talk about Silk's death as if she wasn't one against four. How a few simple mistakes did her in- it's fucking stupid. Areto kills Julian on her third strike on the seventh day, and on the eighth she forces the victor to kill him. 

This is who my cousin died for, Avriel Baptiste. 

And so the last career dies wearing a plastic mask, and I can't keep it to myself hard insane this is. Maybe it's the cart, maybe it's the fact that I grew up with him and the guy from forth period who dead names me is trying to tell me he's a childhood friend. I've got to stop smoking before my childhood trauma studies, huh! It's so hard to keep myself from laughing because I know it's a shit time to, but then one of Emie's friends lean over and ask me and it's so hard dude. 

So I just look at her, and I tell her, "this show fucking sucks, dude." 

Her whole face scrunches and slides me a piece of gum. "I know," she says, and I'm chewing on her stupid raspberry thin mint when she tells me, "but... it's The Games, you know." With a shrug, which makes it feel so much worse somehow. Like damn, my sister didn't die going for wealth, she died because some dude from seven hit her with a fucking spear. Julian died because he's a dipstick who didn't study apparently, you live and you learn unless you die at 18. 

Here's where I am, I guess. 

Fucking Panem, another shit year. 

"I'm so ready to graduate," and get this over with.