tatiana harvard // D2 fin

tatiana harvard ;
18, female


>> wants to go into the games so she can kill a man


leo // libra // scorpio

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Love has never been a reality for me. 

I don't think so, and I don't blame myself for it anymore. Believe me, I have. When I was a kid, I used to be obsessed with planning my perfect wedding. My partner always changes, a boy or a girl or just someone who looks good next to me, but I'm always at the altar, a perfect bride in all white. I'd have a halo around my head of white carnations -- I even made it myself, some time ago but I think it got lost in the move. 

For one day, I'd get to be this angel of the district. I'd wear my mom's saree, I have it packed away in my closet. Back of the rack, a dark corner so I don't have to look at it until I move again. I wanted kids at twenty-one, and now I just want another blunt. That's something you learn over time here at the Harvard House -- queer kids really have the most fucked up childhoods. Of everyone, I don't think there's one person who wound up here on a happy accident. 

Don't get me wrong, we're doing alright for ourselves now, just I learned to stop asking so many questions. I've been here two years, three years left on my card and I don't know what I'll do afterwards. Probably throw that damn dress away. Maybe I'll look for my parents again, legally they're not allowed to search for me but I never know how to stay away from toxic people. 

So anyways, that's a few fun facts about me. I'm Tatiana, I like long walks on the beach by the way. 

I'm a career, of course. Headmaster Delilah makes sure we're trained in case of, well, you know, but I was training before I got here anyways. I just like breaking things man, really, I just wanted to smash dummies with my flail. Honestly, I'd imagine my annoying classmates heads and aim right for the jaw, seeing the head come apart in splinters. Sometimes I think I have anger issues, I swear, I'm not blood thirsty I just get annoyed so easily. Especially with men. It's the past experiences talking, but I'd totally kill my district partner. 

Gypsy Keeni really did nothing wrong. 

Just kidding, I was an only child and I still don't know how you can kill your own brother like that. I don't know what to think of the other kids -- I've always been competitive. Part of me wants to hate them, criticize them because I like watching other people fail; is that easier? That's what I keep asking myself, I just feel so confused on so many things. Delilah acts as a counselor - and she's great don't get me wrong - but how do I tell her about half the things that's happened to me? What do I do after Harvard? 

Who will I be? 

I guess I'm just worried I'll be alone after I leave the system. Which, in a way is funny, I always thought I'd be with the love of my life by now. I thought it'd be easy, I dated older men because they knew more than me and I wanted someone to help with the rope burn. After everything, I'm going to be 21 and alone, I'll have to buy my own ring at this point. I had to change schools when I became a Harvard -- I slept with a teacher and I don't play well with other kids. After getting told how mature I was, I messed up and started taking it as a compliment. 

And now I'm eighteen going on nineteen, and Panem stops caring after that. 

You stop being a career, you stop being an asset. You become a trainer with a drinking problem, or a gold digger. I can't help but think where I'll be when I let my parents back in my life -- how much of a disappointment I became in a blink of an eye. For me it's 8 years, for my dad it'll be the day his daughter comes back and I don't think I can explain everything to them. I don't think I can even try. 

Part of me hopes I die before then.

On television, probably, hopefully they get my good side.