shunned land. { red scare v mutts } day four.
Mar 16, 2021 17:51:52 GMT -5
Post by D6f Carmen Cantelou [aza] on Mar 16, 2021 17:51:52 GMT -5
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And then it happens - life.
So bitterly and so cruelly - it's like leaving the window open on a winter's morning and being woken up by the bite of the chilled wind. It's like holding somebody's hand, when all of a sudden, they just start to disappear and you try to tighten your grip, you try so hard, but it doesn't work. It's like closing the door but the darkness still creeps underneath. It's so silent in the moments that follow, as if the world is made of glass and a single, simple breath would be enough to crack it.
But I can't let Fitz go in peace, no, not after Kane. Because I've lost so many times, dammit, and nothing ever changes. It's always that same old, same old sinking feeling. That pit in my stomach growing bigger and bigger, sprawling its poison through my veins, my heart is the worst bystander, it pumps it around, it taints my mind, my sight, my body and it taints my soul. Life is cyclic, I know that, but it still hurts. Because I'm not sure there is a paradise on the other side, I'm not sure that there's anything, really. I think it's just as bad as being alive.
Death doesn't have any silver linings. There's nothing for me to latch onto to make myself feel better. There's just the weight of living that gets heavier with every death I manage to experience, my body slowly crippling under the pressure. Ripred knows my mind did that years ago - it banished all coping mechanisms to a wasteland similar to the one I stand it, and I'm not sure there's any coming back from such an ominous emptiness.
I can't help it, and I wish I could. I wish I could so bad, but this guilt is becoming terminal. A plague. The worst part is: it is inescapable. It's not as simple as isolating a part of my body to free myself from the feeling, it's like it has become a part of me. My insides function in the name of guilt, my cogs growing rustier each time I'm made to feel that grief. No butterfly can remind me that there's some things worth living for, heck, not even a goddamn miracle could do that, now.
Life is an unstoppable force. And I just want to do the simple things that Lex spoke about. The little things that remind her she's alive and that make her thankful for every breath. Because the bodies in my wake are racking up: Reese, Tobias, Diana, Kane, and now Fitz - Ripred, how many more people need to die for one person to live? It doesn't seem fair.
I shoot a glance at Garrison. It takes everything in me not to breakdown because I want to scream and yell and just let something out, anything so that this moment doesn't feel so clinical. Because it's so empty here, the horizon is so empty, the sun shines with a glint that has no meaning, and nah, it's not even pretty anymore. There's a body on the ground and that's empty too, and there's a girl standing by it who is emptier than all those things put together.
I wonder if I'll ever feel whole again.
The thought is what unleashes the tears and I have to do it, I can't help myself, I have to scream.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Garrison and the mutt are the only thing to hear, the sound of my voice doesn't echo in the wasteland. There's no coming back from such isolation.
I don't want to go on, man. Every second just gives me another reason to accept fate and take life on the chin. But I'm not a coward, dammit. I can't let five people fade away without trying. And the thought of it seems so hard. I'm empty, it's taken everything within me to get here.
I don't know where I go from here, really, I just don't.
So bitterly and so cruelly - it's like leaving the window open on a winter's morning and being woken up by the bite of the chilled wind. It's like holding somebody's hand, when all of a sudden, they just start to disappear and you try to tighten your grip, you try so hard, but it doesn't work. It's like closing the door but the darkness still creeps underneath. It's so silent in the moments that follow, as if the world is made of glass and a single, simple breath would be enough to crack it.
But I can't let Fitz go in peace, no, not after Kane. Because I've lost so many times, dammit, and nothing ever changes. It's always that same old, same old sinking feeling. That pit in my stomach growing bigger and bigger, sprawling its poison through my veins, my heart is the worst bystander, it pumps it around, it taints my mind, my sight, my body and it taints my soul. Life is cyclic, I know that, but it still hurts. Because I'm not sure there is a paradise on the other side, I'm not sure that there's anything, really. I think it's just as bad as being alive.
Death doesn't have any silver linings. There's nothing for me to latch onto to make myself feel better. There's just the weight of living that gets heavier with every death I manage to experience, my body slowly crippling under the pressure. Ripred knows my mind did that years ago - it banished all coping mechanisms to a wasteland similar to the one I stand it, and I'm not sure there's any coming back from such an ominous emptiness.
I can't help it, and I wish I could. I wish I could so bad, but this guilt is becoming terminal. A plague. The worst part is: it is inescapable. It's not as simple as isolating a part of my body to free myself from the feeling, it's like it has become a part of me. My insides function in the name of guilt, my cogs growing rustier each time I'm made to feel that grief. No butterfly can remind me that there's some things worth living for, heck, not even a goddamn miracle could do that, now.
Life is an unstoppable force. And I just want to do the simple things that Lex spoke about. The little things that remind her she's alive and that make her thankful for every breath. Because the bodies in my wake are racking up: Reese, Tobias, Diana, Kane, and now Fitz - Ripred, how many more people need to die for one person to live? It doesn't seem fair.
I shoot a glance at Garrison. It takes everything in me not to breakdown because I want to scream and yell and just let something out, anything so that this moment doesn't feel so clinical. Because it's so empty here, the horizon is so empty, the sun shines with a glint that has no meaning, and nah, it's not even pretty anymore. There's a body on the ground and that's empty too, and there's a girl standing by it who is emptier than all those things put together.
I wonder if I'll ever feel whole again.
The thought is what unleashes the tears and I have to do it, I can't help myself, I have to scream.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Garrison and the mutt are the only thing to hear, the sound of my voice doesn't echo in the wasteland. There's no coming back from such isolation.
I don't want to go on, man. Every second just gives me another reason to accept fate and take life on the chin. But I'm not a coward, dammit. I can't let five people fade away without trying. And the thought of it seems so hard. I'm empty, it's taken everything within me to get here.
I don't know where I go from here, really, I just don't.
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[ lenox attacks milli with rusty knife ]
60iUGebtayknife
[ miss ]
60iUGebtayknife
[ miss ]
knife