&heaven help me [Topaz/Julian victory tour]
May 20, 2012 22:52:58 GMT -5
Post by pthalorarity on May 20, 2012 22:52:58 GMT -5
I'll face myself
to cross out what i’ve become
erase myself
and let go of what i’ve done
[/size]Perhaps Julian could come to like Topaz after all. At last someone understood him and accepted him for what he was—a monster. In fact she was open about being one as well; at least he wasn’t entirely alone in that. She wasn’t entirely correct though. “Not all of us are…” he said vaguely as he thought of Lethe and more importantly, Mace. Only those of us who did this willingly; we’re the monsters.
The mention of Reyes Moreno shifted his mood however, particularly due to the special circumstances regarding his death, which surely Topaz was well aware of. Julian wasn’t sure if she was simply being conversational or blatantly throwing it in his face. Despite the Capitol accrediting Julian with Reyes’ death, and despite the heavily edited footage of the moment which only displayed Julian beheading the boy from District One, Julian had not killed Reyes Moreno. No, he had stolen Julian’s final kill, the one that Julian thought promised him salvation from himself. Of course, it would never have brought even the remotest assemblage of peace of mind, but Reyes suicide had left Julian with far more guilt than simply killing him could have.
The fact is, Julian’s blood lust had led him to yearn for that final kill. He was a Career among Careers and that’s all he knew. Ryes taking his own life though… another career… He had been so appalled by Julian’s monstrosity that he could not bear to let him get the final notch on his belt—that was the greatest wound of all. The Capitol had replaced his right ear and knee, but he would be permanently scarred by the reflection of himself through Reyes Moreno’s eyes.
He swallowed hard, clenching his jaw as he tried to maintain his composure. After a deep breathe through his nose, he replied quietly. “Well, it certainly wasn’t for a lack of trying…” which was the truth. Hell, even in his dreams, Julian still yearned for that kill, which only further added to the weight of his guilt.
The room was slowly filling up, and the noise level was rising to the point that Julian felt comfortable enough to quietly ask his next question. Other than his parents and the others in District Two, Topaz was the only Career Victor he had met thus far, and somehow asking this to somewhat of a stranger seemed far easier than asking those he’d grown up with. Plus, something about the similarities between the two allowed Julian to subconsciously remove his icy walls.
“Does it get any easier?” he asked, his voice small and powerless for a change. It didn’t happen often, but there were times when the child inside Julian slipped out… the child that never truly had a chance to exist. It was in moments like this that Julian was just a little boy who was lost, frightened and alone. “I mean… you know, living as a monster?”