something in the way / fionn & heidi

I never knew much about being alone.

The echo’s that bounced off walls when the room was no filled. A tingle in the back of your neck as the hairs stand up when the old wooden floors would creek. As a kid convinced the monsters were under my bed, lurking in the shadows until my parents would shut the door behind them.

But the monsters weren’t hiding in the shadows, they wore human smiles and lab coat. They walked the street when the sun was up and laid themselves to rest when the moon lit bright in the night sky. I no longer was afraid of the wind slamming its first against the windows. I was terrified of those who wanted us dead.

The house seemed bigger when Aodhán was out. When I had nowhere else to go, he offered me refuge. Both of us had lost something, neither of us willing to talk much about it to the other. There was no judgment when he drank, allowing him his vice. In return he watched me spiral into a cause that would almost certainly end in my death.

Maybe that was just it.

I had finally found something worth dying for.

It was a mutual understanding in unspoken words. Never had I felt this cared for, seen in a way my parents would never be able to perceive me. Between the heart filled moments and screams of a riot, for the first time I still felt lost in a world where I was the only person to exist. The house so quiet that I could hear my own breath as I gently rifted of to sleep.

A peaceful night amidst the chaotic nature of this household was just as an unrealistic possibility as the monsters I believed to be under my bed. My somber sleep brought to a quick end before the clock could even strike midnight. A face hovering over mine, in another story maybe it would be a prince coming to my rescue…but from what. A few groggy moments until the alcohol in his breath felt all too familiar. My nose scrunching in disgust as it is more than enough to understand the words he was speaking.

Aodhán was missing…only he wasn’t. I knew he would be gone tonight. The smiling face of his son biding for my company. Dirty blond hair and a devilish grin…I guess it could have been worse.

I pulled the pillow from my underneath my head swinging it at him in playful annoyance. He wasn’t around much and when he was it always seemed to be in a state. I thought about tracking his movements, trying to understand something that was not for me to grasp. The curse of a scientist unable to let things exist without turning them into an experiment. Force of habit. One I wanted to kick.

“Asshole!”

I rolled my eyes as I laid my head back down to rest, smiling back up at his face.

“What adventures have you been on tonight?” I rolled my body over an invitation for him to lie down next to me. Maybe we would trade war stories of broken homes, riots and booze. How nothing ever went as planned and still everything would be okay.

I watch as he sits on the ground with stupid smile before he climbs into bed next me. I want to regret my decision, kick him out again for smelling like ass. But we both know he needs a shower, that much is obvious.

Instead, I lay my head how on his chest, listening to his beating heart as he rambles on about his no-good night. There have been a lot of those recently, for the both of us. The rebellion was all fun and games whilst I was still under my parents’ protection. Naïve to the reality of the uprising, thinking I was invincible in a world of men. Reality kicked in the last few weeks, no one left to protect me.

Sometimes I ask if this was all worth fighting for, the freedom to do what we want if the freedom is just going to cause pain. I have my doubts rooted in my own comfort. Scared that I will never get to live my life again even if it never was my life to begin with.

Too late now.

I was knee-deep in a revolution.

My fingers gently placed over his heart as he stared up at the empty ceiling, an old coat of white paint beginning to chip away, as no one cared for it. I add it to my list of things to do in the house. Every day it grows longer, and I have yet to complete a simple task. Fionn stops his rambling about how he’d fight for a better nightlife, and I laugh a little. It might seem silly in the moment but no less crazy than joining the revolution out of spite to your own family. I’d do it again in a heartbeat, maybe if he just tagged along so would he.

“He’s got food in the fridge if that is what you’re asking” I go along with his subject change. “Want me to make you a sandwich?” I offer half kidding. I could use some food about know, because he in fact has not been feeding me and I sometimes forget to eat myself. My mom would be ashamed if she knew the only thing her eldest daughter could make in the kitchen was a damn sandwich. Too busy painting signs and standing on picket lines to learn anything else.

I hesitated for a moment before turning the conversation back around. “You can always join us, it’ll make him happy, and I could use the company.” I doubt he would say yes, but I shoot my shot whilst both of our cards are still on the table. I push my upper body up, resting on my elbows which still laid on his chest. “Peanut butter and jelly sound good to you?” I play it off as if that was the only thing I was offering hin.