Trapped (in the) Darkness [Cici]

Melanie Traverson

Melanie listened to the boy closely, to every word, trying to decipher him. She did that to people often; it was like natural instinct for her to attempt to understand a person thoroughly just by their first words or actions. When the boy said that he was there for saying he was willing to kill a peacekeeper, Melanie flinched the slightest bit. She didn't know that crimes such as that one, even put someone in the detention center. Melanie bit her lip, overthinking the situation, through every little piece of it. If this boy was in here for that, then what would her crimes be worth?

It was then that the adrenaline came back to her, flowing through her veins. The fear, the loneliness, the anxiety: they all added up. Memories flooded her brain; she couldn't forget everything that had happened; she couldn't forget John, or Lucas, or Ghost, or even her mother. When would she see them again? When would she finally have a normal life? When would she finally remember what it felt like to be happy, or rather learn what it feels like?

Not a tear dripped down Melanie's face though; she was so good at creating fake tears, yet real ones had always been nonexistant. In Melanie's mind, crying was a waste of time. True tears did nothing. Melanie tuned back into reality, just as the boy asked her why she was here. Melanie bit her lip again, shying away slightly. What would this boy think if she told him? Would he think she was mad? Insane? Would he think she was merely lying? Lying, Melanie thought. That's what she could do: she could lie. She had spent eight years of her life lying, so why not now? She was about to open her mouth and respond with some small external crime, when suddenly, she realized: they were being watched, they had to be. She knew the peacekeepers wouldn't keep them in here, without someone or something listening to every word. If they heard her little lies, well, then, it was probably better to just tell the truth.

"Well, I'm in here for conspiring to rebel, um, trespassing in Capitol woods, treasonous speech, and, uh," she paused, making direct eye contact with the boy before saying, "And, well...I killed a peacekeeper." Melanie sighed, wondering if she should tell him the last one, wondering how he'd take the last reason, on top of the one she had just expressed. Peacekeepers are watching. The Capitol is watching. They can read all of my lies; they feed on them. Just get the truth out there. Melanie's own thoughts vibrated through her mind. "I also, I..." she quickly tried to stop herself, softening her voice to a whisper and letting her words float away, guilty for even saying them. She hoped the boy would just ignore it, not question anything. If she told this boy the last reason, he would know her secrets. But if she didn't, the Capitol, or rather the peacekeepers would know; they would know how careful she was, how concealing. They, also, would know her secrets.

Melanie lost eye contact with the boy, and looked down, not wanting to see his face. She was afraid to see what his reaction would be. An eight-year old killing a peacekeeper….yes, it was insane. But there was so much more; there were so many more deaths involved. So many people had been avoxed and even dead because of Melanie. So many people had ended up in the detention center, because Melanie had been the one to report them. And now, the irony seemed to be killing her. It was like everything turning around on her. It was all her fault; everything was. And now, one part of Melanie wanted to merely curl up in the corner and disappear, while the other part, wanted so desperately, to feel happy for once, to live like a normal girl, to smile without faking it. But all of those dreams, Mel knew, were too far away for her to reach. It was all because of the stupid thing called fate, that haunted her day and night.

Melanie stepped back a bit, shying away, and leaned against the opposite wall. Now, she didn’t feel like looking at the boy at all. She didn’t want to know what he thought of her; she didn’t want him to know any more secrets. She didn’t want to be here; she wanted to go home, wherever home was. She risked a glance at her cellmate. How had she become so weak in only a matter of minutes? Why was she letting her thoughts get the best of her? What was she so afraid of? Admitting who she was? She got up from the floor, and started pacing. Finally, she looked at the boy. She just needed to say something; she needed to, before it consumed her completely. Her words were rushed as she said them.

“Look, you really should just probably keep your distance from me. I’m not really eight, well, I am but, just…just, I’m really confused, and I don’t understand anything, and just, just, just, I’m not who I seem to be!” Melanie took a breath, realizing that she had raised her voices quite a bit. She felt as though she was going insane—she had never been like this before. But now, it was like everything falling apart, right into her hands, for her to carry herself. Her face was getting redder, and she felt a tear, a real one, trickle down her cheek. "I'm too young to be here; so are you. It's just...not right." By now, she didn't care if any peacekeepers heard her, she didn't care about anything they did to her. She needed just this moment.

"I'm probably the reason you're here in the first place, and now that I'm here, now that I'm here, it makes no sense!" She was pacing by now; more tears trickled down her cheeks. She knew she was going insane; she knew that guilt was driving her mad. Quickly, Melanie wiped the single tear away: the one that had actually escaped from her eyes, but she didn't let any others through. She felt extremely embarassed for exploding like this, especially in front of this boy, who was only a few years older than her. She stopped pacing and merely closed her eyes, trying to make it all end, wishing that her whole life was just a bad dream, wishing that when she did open her eyes, she'd remember what happiness was again.

Melanie Traverson

Melanie looked at him, straight into his eyes. She shook her head when he was done talking, the slight smile on his face only making her feel more guilty. She started pacing again. This was all too unreal. Everything felt like a haunting endless nightmare. The calm composure of the boy, the way he just say there like nothing was wrong, made her even more tense. How was he so calm? If only she could be that composed.

Melanie looked back at him. She didn't even know this boy's name. She didn't want to tell him what she was about to, but she knew that if she didn't, the guilt would eat away even more and more. She knew the peacekeepers would know also; they would use it against her: she knew they could. She wouldn't be able to use her own lies against them, if they knew any of the lies she created. Instead, they would use Melanie's lies, and her secrets, against her. Melanie stopped pacing and took a deep breath. "I'm also here because I haven't...." Melanie paused. She didn't know how to explain it the right way. She tried to find words, but nothing seemed to fit. "I haven't been...faithful to them." Melanie paused, looking down for a moment, searching for words. She looked back up and opened her mouth again. "I was part of them...the Capitol. I spied for them! I did everything they asked! I sent people here; I reported every sign of suspicion! So many people are avoxes because of me! So many people are dead because of me!" Melanie could feel the tears again, but she forced them back. She wouldn't let them through this time. "But then, I left. I betrayed the Capitol. And now I'm here." Melanie looked down again. That wasn't all of it, was it? The last part, Melanie was too afraid to say. Though, the Capitol didn’t know the last part. No one knew the last little piece except for Melanie.

Melanie knew that if she got the last little piece out there though, maybe the peacekeepers that were potentially listening would be a bit more…sympathetic? But no, she couldn’t count on that. So, instead she kept her mouth shut, restraining the haunting thoughts. What did it matter though—if she said anything or not. She knew part of her was still with the Capitol; she knew part of her probably always would be. For some reason, that thought frightened her. If she felt so guilty about everything she had caused, then why did she feel like she was still one of the Capitol’s pawns? Like she still belonged to them? Even through this—even here, in the detention center?

Melanie started feeling jittery. Calm down, she told herself. Go to your happy place. She searched for her happy place…but where was it? Her happy place was nowhere she could find, at least. She thought of her mother—no, that definitely did not make her happy. She thought of Lucas—no, no, no, that brought back major confusion. She wanted to know what a family was really like. Melanie looked back up to the boy. She didn’t even know his name, but what was the point of asking anyways? A name didn’t change anything about a person, at least not in Melanie’s eyes. And she didn’t even know his district, either. That could wait anyways; what did it really matter? She opened her mouth, knowing that what she was going to say was completely off-topic and oddly irrelevant. But she didn’t care. “What…what’s your family like?” She blushed at the end, thinking about how stupid of a question it was; he was probably thinking about how odd it was that she even cared.

Melanie Traverson

Melanie listened to the boy as he talked about his family. Though he seemed as though he had lived a much more normal life, he still seemed to have his sorrows. No one had a perfect life, Melanie knew. No one had a perfect family either. The silence that followed his words seemed a bit awkward; though Melanie did not know how to react. She wondered if she should respond by talking about her family. Well, he didn’t ask, she thought. She didn’t exactly feel like talking about her own family, but what difference did it make now? “My mom gave me up to the Capitol when I was a baby.” Melanie shivered at her own statement. “Then, a friend of mine murdered my ‘adopted’ father. And when I saw my mom again, she wanted to kill me, so I’m not really sure how my family works out.” Melanie shrugged, feeling a little jittery. If only she could get out of here. She had been close to finding home before John was captured, and then she was captured. And now, the restlessness in her body seemed to be coming back to get her. It seemed to remind her that she wasn't actually on any side: neither the Capitol nor the rebels. Now, she just felt like the insane girl who had no idea what she was doing half the time.

Melanie felt adrenaline coursing through her body; she wanted to break through. She knew she could not just sit around here without exploding. She was always on the run, and even a few days of nothing, could ultimately drive her to madness. She tried to grasp sanity, but it rested loosely in her grip, slipping away wildly each second. She needed to let herself free; she couldn't let anyone lock her away like this. She had been trained to be quick, strong, clever, and even heartless. Melanie tried to escape her mind, backing away bit by bit, until she was right next to the metal sink. She wondered what would happen if she just let the water flow and flow and flow, on and on and on, without stopping. She smiled slightly at the thought, thinking of how angry the peacekeepers would be if she did. She needed the rush of something, and certainly, she would not let that rush be death, not this time. As much as her senses wanted her to kill, the small voice in her conscience kept her from it. Killing was behind her now or at least partly….and hopefully. But Melanie was always Melanie: quick, strong, clever, and a bit evil now and then. Melanie looked at the boy, still unknowing of his name, knowing that as much as she wanted to kill someone, as much as she needed the rush, she would never kill this boy. She would never kill anyone the way she used to before; she promised herself this. Even if her mind was out of control, needing energy desperately, she would never do it.

Melanie tried to carve these words into her mind; she tried to make them significant to her own brain. Somehow, it was difficult. Melanie’s fists were clenched so tightly that they had become numb. She took slow steps away from the sink, forward, trying to make sense of herself. She took a deep breath, knowing she would explode if she did not get some sort of rushing feeling, some feeling of energy. Only a few steps away from the boy, she immediately kicked him hard in the shins, and then, getting around to the back of him, with all her strength pushed him towards the floor. Then, Melanie quickly took his spot on the metal slab, where he had been sitting. What had she done now? He was not her enemy! So, why had she done it? For that rush of energy? She curled away into the corner, trying to disappear. She felt like a monster that had to be let loose. To her mind, the feeling somehow felt good. Though, she could hear her conscience trying to break through the surface, trying to drive away her mixed thoughts. Her mind was very messed up. She knew she was dangerous, but she had no idea how to contain it. She wondered how badly she had hurt the boy. She had kicked quite hard; hopefully he was alright though. Melanie didn’t know how to respond to her own actions. She was too afraid of what she had done. She wanted to run away from herself; she didn’t want to act like this. Her mind urged her to somehow apologize, but the words never came out.

She was a monster, and she knew it. But what if this was only the beginning? She couldn’t let herself fall into another void of her mind’s shadows. Not again. She rocked back and forth, trying to catch herself before she fell again, into whatever was trying to seize her mind.

Melanie Traverson

Melanie tried to calm herself as the feeling passed. As the boy applied water to his leg, he shot an angry glance at her, and guilt immediately consumed Melanie. She didn't know how to stop the thoughts. The rushing feeling seemed to be a mix of confusion, anger, lonliness, and merely everything she had been taught. How was she supposed to control it? Melanie wanted to erase everything. She wanted to relive her life again. She didn't want that murderous bloodlust coursing through her anymore. She thought of how easy it would be to just kill herself. Wouldn't that be better for everyone? Life would be easier not having to deal with it, Mel thought. However, Melanie knew she would never bring herself to do that--she had the strength to face herself, or so she hoped.

"So, I wonder who I was attacked by?" the boy said abruptly. Melanie shifted a bit, feeling calmer than before. "I'm not really sure who attacked you," Melanie said, as she stood up, much more composed, "but I sure hope it wasn't Melanie." She took slow steps towards him, holding any of her previous thoughts and feelings back. "I'm....really really sorry," she said, looking at the floor. She was silly for thinking she would recieve forgiveness. She had done it purposely. This boy would never think she could actually apologize for something like that in a matter of minutes. She was sorry though; she didn't even know what she was doing. It was as if the Capitol had access to her mind, causing her to repeatedly make evil choices and have thoughts that consumed her fully, until it was just too much.

Melanie opened her mouth to speak again. "I'm scared," she said. "I'm really scared of what I've become and what the Capitol has done to me. I have these moments when all I can think of is things like causing pain, and then, I don't know how to stop it." Melanie shivered at her own words. She didn't cry though, not that she did too often. "I don't want to hurt you, but I just don't know what to do, especially when I'm contained in places like this." Melanie paused and then continued. "You should probably keep your distance from me as much as you can. If I do something like that again....strangle me or something. Stop me from doing it. Try to talk sense into me." Melanie bit her lip, trying to keep herself calm. She wondered how the boy felt about all of this; did he believe anything she was saying? Did he forgive her? Did he think she was insane? She would understand if he thought that. She knew that she was definitely insane. Before the boy could say anything more, Melanie decided to lighten the subject a little bit. "Anyways, what's your name? I didn't catch it."

Melanie Traverson

The boy says his name is Sen. Melanie doesn't know how to react to this. She sees a smile, but wonders how real it is. Has he actually forgiven her? He probably doesn't trust her in any case. Melanie didn't blame him if he never trusted her again. She felt a moment of ackward silence coming on soon, so she said, "Yeah....I'm Melanie. Melanie Traverson. I know I said that already but..." Melanie stopped talking. She always seemed to ramble when she acted like herself; when she was acting like someone else, it all came easy. Although, acting like Melanie, being Melanie, was the hardest person to play.

Melanie didn't know what to say next. She was calmed down; she had a grip on herself. But now what? She wasn't good at conversations. When was the last time she had actually had a normal conversation? There were a few moments of ackward silence as Melanie stared at the floor, her feet rocking back and forth slightly. Then, she sat back down on the metal bed, at a loss for words. She finally managed to get out, "What district do you live in?" She looked up at Sen curiously. Somehow, he didn't look like he was from any of the upper districts. He had to live in one of the poorer ones.

It made Melanie wonder what district the peacekeepers would dump her into when she left this place. She didn't actually have a stable home, not anymore at least. They probably wouldn't let her get back to District 12, where she was visiting with Ghost when they had caught her. That would only incite more trouble. And they couldn't just release her into the woods. That's when it hit her: would they even release her back into a district? She had murdered a peacekeeper, hadn't she? Plus, she had nowhere to live. Maybe she would be forced back to the Capitol. Maybe they would completely brainwash her again. Maybe she would never get out of this place. Paranoid thoughts filled Melanie's brain.

Melanie finally realized only a few seconds later that she was rocking back and forth again, something she did when she was nervous. She stopped herself, trying to tell herself that everything was fine. She looked up at Sen, waiting for his answer to her question, trying to focus her thoughts on something else. It seemed like everytime anger left her mind, fear came to visit. Then sadness. Then everything else. But never peace: never just plain peace.

Melanie Traverson

Melanie listened to Sen as he talked about District 9. District 9 was one of the few districts the Capitol had never had her go to. A slight smile formed on her face as she heard Sen speak of the district, though. But the smile faded a bit as she remembered John; John was from District 9. He was taking her there, to live with him, to be part of his family. If he hadn’t been captured and taken to the Detention Center, then they probably would have made it. Now, John was most likely dead. Melanie tried to keep a smile, but somehow, hearing Sen talk about District 9 made her even more sad, memories flooding her mind. John had loved District 9 similar to the way Sen did. Melanie wished she knew what it was like, to love your home, to know you actually belonged somewhere.

Sen's words drifted away when he finished speaking, and Melanie decided to respond. "No, I never saw District 9. The Capitol just never sent me there, I guess. It sounds like a nice district.” She looked down, feeling tears at the edges of her eyes. Then, the boy asked where Melanie was from, and she felt the slight smile that she was trying to keep on her face, fade away.

“Well, until months ago, my home was the Capitol. Then, while I was on a mission in District 4…that’s when I ran away. I was in the woods for a long time with a man named John. He was from District 9 and he was going to take me there to live with him and his family.” Melanie quickly tried to swallow down the tears that were stuck in her throat. “But then the Capitol found him and caught him…and then I got lost…until I found Ghost, who traveled with me into District 12…where I saw my mother: the last person in Panem that I would ever want to see again.” Melanie tried to stop talking; she was rambling again about things that probably made no sense to Sen. She had lost control of her words, and almost forgot what Sen had asked in the first place. “I’m not really sure where I’m from anymore,” she said. “I wasn’t even in District 12 for a full day before the peacekeepers found me though. But I don’t even know if they’re going to put me back in District 12 once I get out of this place…” Melanie cut her words off; she was talking too much, enough that the tears in her eyes were almost too hard to hold back. Everything she said sounded absurd to her, even from her own mouth.