Next In Line :: (Eye + Nino) [JB Blitz]

There's something about a girl flipping your world upside down that really does something to a guy. I feel like I've just had a door slammed in my face and well yeah, I did, literally. I'm talking metaphorically here, something I don't tend to do often. I'm the big dumb idiot who's only good for his fishing and his fists. I feel like maybe Cal just slammed my fingers in the door and goddamn it hurts, it hurts a lot. However, I've never been the type to really deal with my emotions. What happened when Ewe was reaped? I threw a hundred rocks in the ocean, and then got into a fight. What happened when he died? I sat down in the middle of the Square and screamed at the top of my lungs. What do I do when the woman of my dreams never says she loves me back? I lean myself against the wall and act like the cat who's had the cream because I don't care.

You heard me, I don't give a fuck.

Does it look like the guy who just gave his middle fingers to the entire district cares about one little thing like the sanity of his heartbeat?

It's good, now I don't have to hold a resemblance of myself in the palm of my hand, now I can do what I want because she doesn't even love me anyway.

I nod at him as he enters. I don't think I have much to say to him. He's just the boy I saved from yet another sorrow, another hole, another wound that will never heal. It's no big deal. Not at all.

"I know," I say, arching one brow. I do know. I wasn't just opting to save one life out there, I knew what the hell I was doing. I know exactly what it feels like to be the one left behind, to be the brother that wasn't reaped, to be the one stuck at home, watching as he falls. To watch your brother die. I couldn't take that again. Not in a million years could I handle that.

More respectfully, because dude is tough to survive two of them dying, I say, "You get why I had to, right?"

"You get why I couldn't, right?"

Of course I get it. I'm seventeen years old and I never stepped forward before for the Ripleys. Why the hell would I, I couldn't ever imagine leaving Ewe behind unless it was by force. Well I suppose this is force because he was forcibly removed from me and I wasn't strong enough to steal him back. Then Saffron forcibly flailed him to death and then I forcibly forgave her but not really but yes. I don't hate people as much as I promise that I do, but this time I can. Before, when I had Calypso telling me to calm down, that Saffron can't be blamed, that things happen, it made sense. Now nothing does and it never will and I have a hole in my chest the size of a clock radio.

I want to hate everyone because if I hate everyone then I don't have to pretend that nothing ever hurts and I don't have to be an older brother because there is no longer any younger brother that can keep me steady. I don't have to stay on the right side of the line for anybody because there is no little brother to follow in my footsteps. Now I've gone all crooked but it doesn't matter because I don't have any little brother to impress. I don't have anyone looking up to me, it's freeing. I can do whatever the hell I want. IT's the worst sense of loss I ever goddamned felt and there is no one else. No older brother to look up to, no sibling that I can't live with out because I am already living without mine and it's killing me. It's killing me, I can't stand it.

"I get it yeah. I wouldn't be here. Not if he wasn't dead."

He asks if there is anything he can do for me. I don't think there is. I think this is out of his hands now. I know I should ask him to look after Cal but I don't want him to because a part of me is so mad and it is beginning. Its fists against a door screaming to be let out. I should ask him to look after my parents, to tell them that it was n't there fault they gave life to a cripple and an idiot. I'm not volunteering because of them, I didn't feel driven to do this. I did it because.

"You know, I remember when Jude Ripley was the coolest guy in the District. When he said jump, you did. Just let him know that I did this because I have every wit I've ever owned in my pocket. I do it out of respect. Take care of each other. We always forget who we have until they are gone."

That was so goddamned sweet I would punch me if I were anyone else.

"One more favour, punch me in the face."

I'm not entirely sure what I was hoping for when I asked him to punch me in the face.

I never really know what I'm wanting but all I know is that my heart is pounding in my ears and I am concentrating on each breath, I feel like the world is spinning on it's axis and before when I never had to think about how to stay attached, I'm concentrating too hard on keeping both feet on the ground. I have felt like this so many times in the past year, so many times in my life and I have never been able to get rid of it entirely, it comes back in bursts and bites my head off in one large plot twist. I can't breathe.

I can barely hear his words, my heart is so loud and it's beating so fast. I don't know where it's coming from but I feel like if I open my mouth again I might just erupt in the most ragged scream I have ever let loose from my mouth. I feel like I'm a super nova, on the verge of an explosion and I was trying to stay cool, trying to stay calm, but the reality is

I don't think she loves me

and I can't

focus

on

anything

else

but

that.

I can see his fist coming for my face and I don't even flinch as it moves closer and closer, as if in slow motion it moves inch by bloody inch. I want to feel the burst of pain it brings and I want the tightening across my chest to go away I want it to stop, I want for my brain to stop ticking along for just two minutes so that I can think about anything but Calypso and anything but Ewe.

Sometimes it gets like this, I can't stop thinking.

His fist connects and I feel a burst of pain that I let myself fully experience, I don't tuck away the pain like I've been taught to. It branches out from the spot of impact like a tree pushing it's roots into the ground and my head is shoved back, I take a step back, I move back entirely from everything for a few seconds and I am floating in space. There is nothing in my head but pain and I am relieved.

"Shit," I say, almost nonchalant when I bring a hand up to probe the hit. If I'm lucky it'll bruise and it will piss the stylists off. I've always thought a shiner looked pretty badass anyway, so really, I win all round. My head is back to normal and when I look at Nino, it's a chilling one. I'm not jealous of him, not in the slightest. There is nowhere I'd rather be but here, in this room, about to leave and never come back. I'll never see her face again.

I nod at him, remembering how to respond in a conversation, "You're alright Ripley," I tell him. I mean it too, if I wasn't going in just a few minutes, I might have found a pretty good friend in him. It's sort of sad how things like this turn out. Hey, that's life. "Thank-you, but I'm alright with oblivion. Forget about me if you can, in fact, I urge you to. Just live your life and...just...Calypso Leto. That girl who got that boy whipped? She's alright. Take care of her for me?" The words come so bitterly out of mouth that you can taste it in the air. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, she doesn't love me.

I do.