Magnolia Hare [done]

My pulse literally bolted as his steps seemed to be getting closer. As the air was getting thicker, I just had to gasp for air. Silently, breath more silently, I had to tell myself. Terrified and filled with panic, breathing silently wasn’t easy. I was close to hyperventilate by now, but I had to stay calm. I couldn’t let my guard down, not even for a second. If I did, he may find me. The air in the cabinet will only last for a little while more if I panicked. I needed to save the oxygen if I was going to be stuck here for a long time. After hours of sitting squashed together into that small cabinet, the bones in my thin body started aching.

As I started getting my breath under control, I could hear his bottle smashing to the floor. He started screaming, not even words just screaming out load. His screamed died in to painful muttering, before he started cursing. He said he was going to find me, then he started saying all the horrible things he was going to do to me. I already knew it, but he usually told me anyways, just to scare me. He made his point; I had gotten scared a long time ago. I’m always scared now. I never been that tense before, the sound from the breaking glass shocked me. I almost let a little scream escape my lips, but I manage keeping it in. With my lips wide open, I managed breathing almost completely silently. My pulse was raising, but I couldn’t let myself panic. I let my feelings stream down my face in form of those salted teardrops that I couldn’t keep in. My tears had soaked my shirt, and I started shivering from the cold. I knew he was looking for me, so I couldn’t allow myself to leave my hiding place. This was the night he was supposed to kill me, and I knew it. He would probably find me, eventually. I just couldn’t collect the courage to face him. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to die, because dying couldn’t possibly be worse than the hell I was living. I was scared of the pain, because it always hurt so badly. My knees were already bruised, for god sake my entire body was. I’m weak from being undernourished, because he never let me eat enough. He had been torturing me for years, and I never even knew why. But tonight it was all going to end. From nowhere, I felt that tickling feeling from the deeps of my chest. I tried choking it, I held my breath in raw panic. I couldn’t let it out. But my body started to clench together into cramps. And from my lungs, a silent little cough snuck out. I knew I from that second that I had lost. It was over, and there was nothing I could do to save myself. A few loud footsteps was the last thing I heard, before the cabinet door slammed open.

I woke up from my own scream. Paralyzed with fear, I didn’t dare to move. Even a few inches was too much. I still held my breath, just in case. This is how I wake up every single day. The nightmares haven’t left me, and I’m honestly terrified they ever will. My own fear is what keeps me guarded and if I let it go, I might end up there again. I live in a new family now. My adoptive parents are nice and they never laid a finger on me and neither have any of my siblings. I just honestly never dared letting it go. They say time heels every scars, but I don't belive it. Some scars are to deep. I'll probably be happy someday, but that day isn't today. And it won't be for a long while. At least thats what I believe.

Happiness has a poisonous thorn, that I learned to carefully avoid. I embraced it too dearly, so I ended up losing it all. I was a fool in my ways, taking love and happiness for granted. Within seconds, my happiness turned into bitter tears and ashes. I learned to distance myself, to avoid everything that everybody else seeks so desperately. I am timid as a deer, sneaking around in life like everything is poisonous. Yes, I am rather self-pitying. I tend to bathe my wounds with salt, so they’ll never heel.

God, father that lives in sky seems to want it this way. But I am no child of his. I seem to have been born in the abstains. As long as I can keep my fantasy, my only escape I won’t complain. I’m a girl of another world. I no longer exists here, not mentally. My world is in the books, and that is my shameful happiness. I am powerless and I am weak to this fantasy-world without limits. I explored a new world, and I no longer need this one. I guess that’s why I won’t let myself heel. This world is just suffering and pain, I can manage without that.

They say everything changes, and I guess that’s true somehow. I got a new family now. I got siblings, a father and a mother. They care about me, even if I’m not ready to let them in just yet. As you might have noticed, I’m rather old mentally. I just turned 12 years of age, but most say I act more like a grownup. I had to grow up fast when my mother died. She left me in this world of complete suffering. My father started drinking and driven mad with sorrow, he punished me for his own heartache. He’s long gone now. The only pain I’m living now, is the one I’m causing myself.

I am a thin little girl. I’m not very tall and puberty haven’t caught up with me just yet. I never had much of a physical defense, since I’m not very strong. I still look rather childish, with puffy chins and shoulder-long blonde hair. I got that serious look in my eyes, the ones that people tend to avoid. I think you can tell just from looking at me that I’m wounded. I usually don’t smile very often and I barely ever talk. I feel like one of those starving children you can see around district 12, the ones that look so breakable and innocent. I guess I am one of those kids. I’m not starving anymore since I moved to my new family, but I meant more of the easily breakable part. My fathers mental abuse has made me unsecure and scared. I'm drawn back, and my self-confidence really took a beating.

I got big brown eyes that kind of creates an contrast with my hair. Not to brag, but I think that is pretty. I’d love to be as beautiful as the older girls I see around the district someday. I appreciate beauty. The fact that I haven't even started evolving yet bothers me, some of the girls in my age almost look like teenagers now. I’m still a little girl. I’d like to look adult and strong, I don’t think people see you as so much of an victim if you at least look strong. I feel like I’ll always be that little broken girl. I think my family sees me that way, that they feel bad about me. I don’t know how much they know of my past, but I think they have a clue that it hasn’t been too filled with roses and happiness.

Sometimes, I feel like I want to tell them what really happened, maybe that’ll help them understanding me. But as fast as I decide to try, I realize I’m totally incapable of social encounters. I get nervous and stressed out, and from that point nothing good ever comes out of my mouth. Sometimes, I keep telling people unnecessary details they already know, like that its sunny outside. Either that or I just stay completely silent, staring at them. Whichever of my two awkward ways of being social I use, nothing good ever comes out of it. I am more of the silent type. I’m a hard thinker and I am really good at solving problems, but nobody will ever know. I'll never show anyone my true me. Never again. I'll swear by it