ghosts of the past { anna }

There was nothing I could say or do that would justify what I had done that day. It felt like so long ago that I had caught Gus trying to get into one of the medical buildings that lined the outer walls of this prison we called home. I didn't want him to go in because I knew what they were going to say, I knew that they would do nothing but make him cry as they told him his life was going to be cut short. I couldn't do that though, I couldn't make him sit threw that as they hooked up his arms to some hideous contraption and pretended to help him, their fake smiles plastered onto their faces. Most of all I couldn't deal with it, I didn't want to see the baby brother that I had spend years trying to keep alive have to suffer like that. He had looked at me with so much hatred that day though, I remember it like it was yesterday, the way his eyes burned with a fiery passion that was only ever matched by our sister Annie when she was desperate to get her next dose of drugs.

I think that's why I had done it though, run away I mean, I couldn't bear to see the pain in his face especially if I had caused it. That was the logic I used every single day when I woke up and didn't see him laying on the other side of the alleyway that we called home. "I did it for you" I would tell myself, but I was too smart to convince myself of that, I knew that I was being selfish, that I wanted to look out for someone other than him. Don't get me wrong, I loved my baby brother with all my heart, but I didn't want to be around when he died, I just couldn't do it, especially since once he was gone I would truly be alone. The irony of the situation here was that I was more alone now than I was before, by giving him up I had basically given up my whole purpose in life. With a grunt I haul myself up from the ditch I was resting in and stretch out my limbs, his face still perfectly captured in my mind.

I knew today I would have to go back, how long had it been though, at least a few months. There was a part of me that wondered if he would still take me back, or would his resentment towards me only be fueled by the fact that I had left him after I promised I would be there for him? I heard my joints snap into place as I stretched and relaxed myself, letting my arms hang loosely by my side. Well I couldn't jump into a time machine now and fix what had been done, I had to face my mistakes and hope for the best. It was similar to how I had faced the whole situation involving me being pregnant after my one night stand with one of my "clients". I could tell you that I had just decided to abort the kid, but I didn't, actually it taught me a valuable lesson about life...always expect the unexpected.

A crude saying that you think everyone would know, especially me being homeless and all, but my kid siblings always did tell me I was a slow learner. My tired, blue eyes scanned the streets around me trying to get a read on exactly where I was in relation to my home, and I spotted one of the old vendors that my sister and I would hit on our little stealing route. Another loud sigh escaped me, and a weariness that I hadn't felt in a while crept into my limbs. I knew what was coming, and the prospect of seeing him again excited me, yet I was dreading the moment because I had a feeling he would hate me. Walking up to the vendor I mustered a smile that could only be described as pathetic and held out a few coins, pointing to a small loaf of bread and a measly scrap of cheese. It wasn't much, and of course it was bribery but it was the least I could do after leaving him for all this time.

After handing her the few coins I made my way along the street, each step that brought me closer to "home" seemed more painful. A nagging thought kept telling me to run away, that I didn't have to do this, but there was a part of me that knew I had to do this. Dread settled over me, and I could hear my heart beating in my ear as I made my way to the mouth of the alleyway. My breathing came out in harsh rasps as I realized I was truly scared of the reaction he would have, and I closed my eyes trying to get a hold of my emotions. I spoke a few words quickly and reached up to my neck where a necklace from mom always hung around my neck. I needed her help with this, I needed her to help me get through this and help my brother understand that what I did was for him in some twisted way. Letting out one last shaky breath I walked into the alley and leaned against the wall waiting for his inevitable return.

It was a few hours before he came back, probably out foraging for food or begging for it, but there was no mistaking the sound of him approaching. I felt my chest tighten and my heart began to race as he got closer, nevertheless I moved out into the light and waited for him to see me. His shape loomed out of the darkness and I stood still, frozen in place as he walked into our home, and I saw a look of shock come over his features as he saw me. It was an understandable reaction, but after the initial shock wore off I watched his body tense up which could only mean he was angry at me. Rightly so but it still scared me to see him angry like that, I was afraid of what he might do, and instinctively I brought a hand up to my stomach to protect my precious cargo.

"Now Gus, please don't be too mad at me, I know you have every right to be, but please just let me explain myself to you." I began to back away from him, putting some distance between the two of us, but still making sure he could see me. "I had to do it okay, I had to leave you because I couldn't bear to see you hurt, and the way you looked at me that day near the hospital killed me. I was just trying to be mom, I know I can't replace her, but it's my job to take care of you. I'm sure you must think of me as a terrible person, but I'm not Gus, you know I love you." I could feel tears forming in my eyes and I moved a few paces forward to lay the bread and cheese on the ground. "I'm sure you're more than capable of finding your own food now, and I'm sure you don't want anything to do with that, but I got it for you."

I looked down at the ground and scuffed my foot along the gravel, a tear sliding slowly down my cheek. Why had I been so foolish before, why couldn't I do anything right? I didn't want to lose the only family I had left, and yet I couldn't help but feel like I had made a huge mistake and that it would cost me.