i want it painted black // Jeq & Daria // Day 7

It happens so fast I don't even have time to regret my last words. I'm lying on my back in a matter of seconds choking, choking, choking as my body reflexively coughs in a useless struggle for air. Blood rises from all around and I am drowning, suffocating. My vision grows dark at the edges before I even have the chance to feel like a failure.

Boom.

---

("Tails and I'll leave. Heads and I'll stay human, Sundra Wie.")¹

He's smiling at me with an idiotic grin, something stupid and real and oh, so beautiful I think I might actually cry. I should hate him but I can't remember why as the coin flies through the air. But then I'm shaking my head, my lips moving to form words—"My name's not---"

("What do you think it feels like to grow old, Sundra?")²

He tugs at my coat sleeve, his eyebrows raised. The only thing I can think to do is raise them back, smile. He slips the gloves from his hands and then his fingers are dancing across my face; they leave trails of warmth across my freezing skin, melting away all my fears and worries and doubts. The answer pops into my mind—It feels like this.³—as his fingers continue to trace lines across my face. The thought isn't my own, I know it, I feel how foreign it is, but I can't... I don't want this to end.

("I'm in life with you, Sundra Bloom, even in death.")⁴

But it does anyway. But it isn't my end and this isn't my story. I finally get the words out as my body becomes just another part of the frozen landscape, lifeless and forever frozen in time.

"I am not Sundra."

("Now you see me, now you don't.")⁵

I watch him come closer, watch as his palm dances over my eyelids. I smile because it doesn't hurt. I smile because I feel like I've lived a full life and lived in the house we they built.

"This isn't my story."

Boom.

---

("I do love you, Theseus.")⁶

I'm laying on the ground and looking into some of the most stunning green eyes I have ever seen. She wears a crown, looking almost angelic against the backdrop of the sky. My head is pounding a boom, boom, boom and I feel a pain so intense I know I am already dying. But every ounce of me wants move, to get up, to stand from my grave because I can't leave her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love, I love, I-

("I’m… s-sorry…. so sor-..-ry…. Navy…")⁷

The words stutter out of mouth because apparently I am dying, dead, gone. Curtains close. Story ends. For a moment I see Tempus in my vision and remember that Theseus Rhodium was a part of the original Tempus Opera House. I swallow back a sob, force tears back into my eye sockets. This isn't me. This still isn't my story. Why can't I seem to get this right?

Boom.

---

("Rise and shine, sleeping beauties.")⁸

My lips are saying the words before I can stop them. This was just meant as pure torture, wasn't it? I don't belong here. But adrenaline seems to be driving me now. Mutts, mutts, mutts. They are here and I need to kill them and where is---

('Fuck you twice, I still have all of my fingers.')⁹

Pyrian. The silence is overwhelming, but the rage and exhilaration and flames burning brighter and hotter in my eyes...It felt---I feel like I am playing music. The passion behind my music is as passionate as I feel for the flames, flames, flames. Throw a dart at me and I'll teach you, I'll fucking burn you---No. It's chop off my arm and I'll take your's. That's me. Ripred, what's happening to me?

("Stop it! STOP IT! He's your brother, you can't just-")¹⁰

No, no, no. Please, don't make me feel this. I don't want to play this game anymore. It was great when I got to play Sundra, it was even okay when I was Theseus. But, but---"Please, stop," I beg. My own words, all mine. Tears fill my eyes and flames lick at my skin. The Keeni twins are dying and (I'm losing my child if I can't get home...) River's thoughts intrude on mine. Everything hurts so much. I feel like I've lost everything, everyone. But there is one small, precious, beautiful baby girl waiting for me—no, no her, her River Destin, her this isn't me not my pain no---

"I said stop!"

("You should always fight for your family. Always.")¹¹

"I tried."

(Gravity house antithesis!)¹²

"What?"

('I love you, Py.')¹³

"Please, stop, I'm done, I'm done, I--"

('I love you, too.')¹⁴

Boom. Boom. Boom.

---

My eyes flutter open slowly. A blinding light makes me flinch away and I move groggily to shield my eyes. My fingers catch only slivers of sunlight, the rest dancing through to meet my skin; It feels like small, warm kisses against my cheeks. I swing my feet over the edge of the bed. My toes press to cold linoleum, sending a shiver up my spine. I rub at my eyes, push my fingers through my hair. I smirk at the empty beds around me. Last to bed, last to rise.

I stand and I'm greeted by all the morning regulars: the smell of breakfast, the soft echo of a piano, the giggling of too many sisters gathered in one room. "Jack, breakfast!" Mom calls up the stairs. I don't bother with a reply, I'm already moving groggily done the stairs. I smile because I'm thankful. I smile because this is normal. I smile because this is home.

I pull a chair out for myself, sitting promptly as my eyes fall on the plate of food in front of me. "Thank you," I say, my voice cracking as sleep still encumbers me. "You're very welcome, sweety," she answers, her voice comforting and familiar—but it doesn't belong to either of my Moms.

My hand closes in a fist around around the fork, my heart quickening as terror grips me in a paralysis. Her eyebrows furrow, her lips falling to something expressionless. "You alright?" She reaches for my hand but I've finally broken free of the ice that had clamped me to my seat. I jerk away, the chair clattering to the ground as I trip over it, falling to the ground. "Jequirity!"

I point the fork at her and scramble to my feet. "I watched--" I struggle to breathe. "I watched you die."

"Mommy, are you okay?"

I look to one of the girls I was certain was my sister sitting around the table. She's looking at me with worried eyes. Me. She called me---Wait, what? I struggle to find the right words. "I don't--" I stammer, but I'm cut off.

"Hannah, please, let Mommy handle this," she scolds the little girl, but she climbs down from her seat anyway, rounding the table to glance at me wearily.

I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't--"You're not real." I gasp, my eyes filling with tears. I shake my head as she comes closer, my back pressed into a corner. I keep the fork out in front of me as she approaches, ready to attack if she dares to come near me. Because she isn't real and this is all some sick mind game. She is only an illusion. I watched her die.

"Stay away from me."

But she comes closer anyway, doing nothing to suggest she was ever going to heed my order. I'm sobbing now as I remember the feeling of my lips against her cheek, the way her blood stuck to my fingertips, the way her heart fell silent. "I watched you die," I say again, looking into her eyes as she falls to her knees in front of me, sitting back on her heels. She reaches for my hand, slowly unfurling my fist with her fingers. The fork clatters to the ground and a hold tight to her hand instead.

"Forgiveness always seems to hurt the most."¹⁵

I cry harder, sob louder. Please, this has to stop. I can't do this forever, it can't be like this for all eternity. But she doesn't disappear. And that's when I have to give in and collapse into her. I hear her heart beat, beat, beating and her arms wrap around me and it feels so real. "Saxton." I hold her tighter, closer, but it doesn't seem like enough. I can still feel her slipping away.

The little girl stands beside Saxton now, watching me as I cry. She smiles, her bright blue eyes blinking at me. I'd know those eyes anywhere. They've been engraved into the back of my skull since the last time they were open. I have to look away, the memory to haunting as the lullaby I played for her bounces around in my mind. She leans in and whispers in my ear—"Crowns do not belong on a head like mine."¹⁶—before placing a soft kiss against my forehead.

And I pull away from Saxton then, looking at the both of them for one last time. The smile comes to my face as easily as the sun rises up over the hills every morning. I could live like this forever, together with them, Saxton and Hannah. But I'd be living a lie.

"They don't belong on mine either."

And then their blood spatters against my face and I flinch in horror.

Boom. Boom.

---

("Screw your drink!")¹⁷

A half empty bottle falls to the ground, the liquid sloshing and disappearing into the soil beneath my feet. I've felt this way before; is this a memory of mine? The girl in front of me could be my sister, screeching at me to stop the nonsense I started. I was always trying to drag them in, clamping their noses shut while I pressed a bottle of vodka to their lips. Quitting is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Even dying can't compare.

("WHAT THE FUCK! I CAN’T DIE SOBER!")¹⁸

The words feel familiar on my tongue, the rage familiar in my heart. This must be a memory of mine. The girl in front of me is still a blur, but it could be any one of my sisters from a few years ago. Scolding me like I was just some dumb kid. But I never got to be a kid, not really. Sure I got what I wanted, yes my Moms gave me everything I could ever want, but what did that matter when I was an orphan? I can feel the hopelessness and the fear kick in as the very last of my drink spills from the bottle.

("You can, and you will.")¹⁹

And her words hit me like a freight train and I feel like crying. Because I can't not listen, not when they all beg me—"Please, Jeq, please just stop. I can't live without my sister, please don't drink yourself away."—with teary eyes and cracked voices. In my own memories I remember crumbling into my mothers' arms and finally agreeing that I needed help. This time my feet carry me away, away, away...

("I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS, YOU HEAR? I WISH I DID, BUT I DON'T.")²⁰

But the burn of alcohol in my throat tells me this, once again, is not me. It tastes so good I could cry, the burn and warmth as good as it had been the day I left it all behind. I told myself I wouldn't pick up another bottle again and I meant it. I promised too many people I would never become that girl ever again. I want to spit the whiskey from my lips, but instead, it keeps sliding down my throat. Glug, glug, glug. A sounds once like music to my ears only stings now, reminding me of one of the darkest times in my life.

("Please... Kill me.")²¹

The words that pour from my lips are lies, none of it being my own. I have never begged for death, not when I had a family to go back to. Not when I had to get home. These are the last words and actions of Willis Keeni, the drunk boy who couldn't--- get home, stop drinking, escape death. I need to get back to my own memories, my own demons. I conquered alcohol addiction a long time ago.

"I'm not Willis," I say, waiting patiently for Colgate's axe to end this episode of mine. "I died sober. I kept that promise."

I know that no one is listening. But if I don't say it then I might confuse his memories with my own. I might get lost. Then again, I guess I'm already lost. I'm running through the lost memories of the dead, the demons of wandering souls blending with my own.

Boom.

---

("I didn't ask for any of this.")²²

("No one asked for this.")²³

"And we all pay for it with our lives, no matter who wins."

Boom.

---

("The person I was is not the person I am now and because of that I don't know if I could think of home in the same way.")²⁴

"Even without the gash through my throat I wouldn't have gone home."

("You’ve got far too much heart to be a killer.")²⁵

"I killed Rodrick. Does that mean I have no heart?"

("I killed four people, and I left Marchello to die in the middle of the night. Somebody like that can’t have a heart.")²⁶

"Right. So I don't."

("Then at least we’re fighting on the same page.")²⁷

"Maybe we all lose are hearts in this place."

("I don’t think we are.")²⁸

"Maybe it takes the best of us to find them again."

Boom. Boom. Boom.

---

("I don’t care about any of it anymore, Wyatt. I just… I don’t want to go home in a box. I’m scared.")²⁹

"I just wanted to go home."

("Selfishness is a dangerous trait to wear upon your sleeve.")³⁰

"I tried to hide mine. But I think Daria saw it. I think that's why she killed me."

("I’m begging you for only a second more— I just need another minute here.")³¹

"We can't always have what we want."

(Victors do not come from district six.)³²

"Victors do not come from district six."

Boom. Boom.

---

It looks like nothing more than red line drawn across my throat, the killing blow. I could be sleeping. But I know better. As Daria stands before my body with a blade soaked in crimson, I know. My soul has left that body and I'm not going home. I'm dead. But I've known that for some time now; I've already grown numb to the idea. But that doesn't stop tears from streaming down my face.

My body is empty, but I'm still here. How that is possible I have no idea. But I have two hands, two feet, two ears, and everything in-between. I can wiggle my toes, my fingers—I've got all ten of each, glowing in the the fog—but I'm still dead. I still can't go home.

I turn and run as Daria puts the crown back on my head. I can't watch this. I can feel my heart breaking with every breath I take as I sprint, sprint, sprint. Because what else can a dead girl do besides run from the truth?

I don't know where I'm going until I'm already there. The stage has crumbled and navigating across the cracked wood should be difficult, but apparently you gain agility when you're dead. The tears are still streaming down my face in waves, but my hands do not shake as I pull the harp from the wreckage. The strings glow silver and gold even in the low light. It's as beautiful and as elegant as it was a week ago.

But even with the wreckage cleared away the strings remain silent. I wait patiently for a melody to burst free, for the strings to strum themselves as they had during the Bloodbath, but nothing happens. No, no, no. I know life isn't fair, but was death not fair either? The one thing I need—the only thing I could ever want anymore—I can't have. A stuttering breath escapes me as I collapse to the ground.

"Just one last song. That's all I ask."

But no one is listening. No one cares, not about a dead girl from six. No one even cared about the living girl from six. It was always just me. Me, the girl who had to go home. Me, the girl who needed revenge. Me, the girl who selfishly took what she needed to keep herself sane. Me, the girl who needed a friend but made enemies instead. Me, the girl who needed nothing more than her family and music but could protect neither. Me, me, me.

I can't get what I want; I have to take it.

I pull a few pieces of splintered wood together, creating a makeshift chair for myself. If the Gamemakers won't turn the harp back on, then I will. I haven't played in what seems like years, but my fingers know exactly what to do all the same. One pluck and I'm gone, the melody dancing around me and through me, replacing my tears with a smile.

I play for everyone watching at home. My sisters, my Moms, Rio, District 6. I play for the people I lost, for Paige, Odile, Hannah, Leo, Saxton, Taurus, Neptune. I play for Rodrick. I play for Daria. I play for everyone left to wander this arena. And I play for me. Because it's the last thing anyone will ever hear of me.

Because this is my story, my song; this is the end.

Boom.

---

So I know these are super late, but they are so, so, soooo necessary! So y'all have to deal with this because my little ole heart can't go on with giving out these thank yous<33

First, aya & Baby Wessex d9b [earthling] - Now, I've had the both of you as GM's before so I already knew this was going to be fantastic, but wHO KNEW MUSHING THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER TO CREATE KAYAK COULD MAKE IT EVEN MORE WONDERFUL!?!?!?! Not only were you both so patient with me and my hella noob questions, but you created such a BOMB games--- ugh, I've had weeks now to think about how to put it into words and I still just cannot. The arena, all the super cool fun aesthetic things  (tapestries, tartans, a harp that plays itself, YAS), the AIBELLS<33 (or just the mutts in general really), the RE's and setting them off, and wow every one of mandates even?---PERFECTION. Dom, Glamour, and Capri posts give me life, thank you for writing them whilst also taking care of shit BLESS YOU. Engine-ing. Every bit of it. Thank you for that xD Thank you for such a fantastic Games experience. I could not have wished for anything better<33

∂αмєη , goat , pup - bless all of you for allying with me<33 It ended wayyy too early ;-; but it was great plotting things with y'all and writing with y'all and just chatting in general.  You are great people and I adored having the opportunity to get to know and write with all of you.  So thank you for all the fabulousness<33

grim. - I don't even know where to start with you. You have no idea how much I have come to adore you. Saxton was perfect, everything you wrote was perfect, and I am just so glad I got to be a part of it. Hackhart was SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL at least your half of it and I am so blessed to have gotten to ally with you.  I wish it could've lasted just a little bit longer, even if my feels wouldn't have been able to hold up under the pressure.  Thank you so much for just simply existing<33

Muffinface & Cameo {RIP Charlie} - I know you both were at the end of my little Games run this time around, but I have to thank you for taking me in and helping me after, well, Jeq died lbr. It was great to get to write with the both of you, plot with y'all, chat and things. You are both awesome! Bless you both for sparing my sorry ass, half-dead trib through a couple of days. Writing her more---and writing her more with y'all--- was so much fun. So thank you<33

cameron & lance - Why aren't you billed with the rest of the Bagpipes? I fought the other half more ;-; THUS Y'ALL ARE SEPARATE BUT YOU STILL GET THANK YOU's! Cam, thank you for beating Jeq up with a severed limb. Totes something that everyone needs to do, glad it is crossed off my list. Lance, bless you. Your puns kept me sane through all our stabbing and things. Thank you both for wonderful threads and laughter and tears and just general awesomeness.

mat - Alright, this is more of sincere apology and a thank you all wrapped into one. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. Rowdy was so fucking fantastic and my heart twists into knots every time I think about the way it turned out. However, I have to thank you, too. Rowdy vs Jack--- omg please, this was so great to write. I've never had a blood feud like that in Games before and it was so much FUN YOU MADE IT FUN!! I'm sorry it turned out the way it did, but I am also thankful if that makes sense? Writing opposite you was fun, fantastic, and I'm grateful to have gotten the opputunity. Thank you<33

ali - Thank you for being the one to kill Jeq twice it was fabulous~ Lol kidding that's not all, but I mean, that was a beautiful summary I'd say? I'd like to start by saying thank you for leaving my precious baby alone after her resurrection. You have no idea what that meant to me. To be able to write Jeq for another 2 days was so great annnnd it's really all thanks to you<33 Secondly, I have to thank you for SUCH A WONDERFUL DEATH THREAD!! That was so totally how it was meant to be after having to fight each other 6 of 7 Games days xD And finally, thank you for Daria^^ She was such a lovely character and I loved reading your posts.  I owe you so much thanks that I am certain I will never stop owing you.  I'll really try though.  Thank you<33

Avalon / umber vivuus 12b 🥀 [dars] - Hi, remember that one Games day you gave me the sexual c; healing? Yeah, THANK YOU! Also avalon my love, thanks for all the support and like, asking for an Eckhart? You're my the first so thank you for that. Made my heart melt to mush when you asked<33 Thank you. Also dars you're cool too I guess idk. c; Dustyn was bae btw okay? Okay. Thank you both for writing him. Giving me life and feels overload on a regular basis, it was great<33

flyss & * - I only got to write with the two of you for one Games day, but I have to thank you for that wonderful death!thread and letting me be a part of it.  It was a lovely thread with tons of feels and just thank you^^

я𝑜𝓈𝑒 - Look at you, getting your very own section c; Alright so firstly, Hannah was such a wonDERFUL CHARACTER GDI! UGH I swear my feels were just stabbed after every sentence of your posts. Such beautiful PAIN. Secondly, I am so thankful you let me be a part of her death!thread. You didn't have to do that, Jeq was not her ally, but you did and omg I was blessed with some of the most heart wrenching writing I have ever read. Also thank you for kindly sharing OTM's with me on the regular. Ugh Hannah was like, the fucking beginning of Jeq, you feel? So thank you for that and everything else that you do<33

k!ah , d6a georgie cham 🍓🐢 frankel , Cait , rook , ∂αмєη - THANK YOU ALL FOR GIVING ME MONIES TO USE FOR FUN THINGS!! You should all know, I thoroughly enjoy spending my sponsorship money one useless things, such as the following items: a violin & speaker, a tapestry, a bar of soap, a crown, etc. But you also funded me for a medkit, antivenom, flint, and a tea kettle so bless all of you. Thank you for giving me site monies to use for saving my trib while also playing a violin and stuff yep, yep^^

SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY FELLOW TRIBS!! I'd love to write long, muddled paragraphs professing my love for you, but alas, I really need to keep this at least reasonable length. ;-; Just know I love all of you and your tributes mhmm<33

ALSO SHOUT OUT TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTED MY BBY<333 and held me while I collapsed from feels. Like bless you because I had fun writing her so I'm glad you enjoyed reading^^


VERY SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO YOU PEOPLE:
Python L△LIA Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy] heather - d2 [mylee] cameron я𝑜𝓈𝑒 sbeeg Avalon ✨ zozo. Baby Wessex d9b [earthling] cass ali mat Kire charade shrimp aya semper Lulu @southspinner2011 grim. rook Stare - I pray so hard I got all of you but no promises, apologies if I missed someone GAH! Anyway, if you're tagged here, it's because I literally quoted or specifically referenced one of your old tribs at least once during this Games. For some *cough cough* Python and Lalia jfc never stop being awesome I may have quoted you more than once/more than one of your tribs, so bless you<33 But I have to thank all of you. My favorite part about writing Jeq was re-reading old Games threads and simply falling in love all over again with your characters. To have my muse come from your writing, your tributes, and your site history---I am so lucky to be surrounded by people like you who pour your hearts into your writing. Thank you for being here, thank you for sharing your writing and your creativity, and thank you for being so damn fabulous.

Alright so maybe this last section should really be a s/o to everyone. It's official, this is now a love letter to the entire site. Love you all. Keep doing you. XOXO