87th Bloodbath
Feb 20, 2021 13:09:59 GMT -5
Post by D6f Carmen Cantelou [aza] on Feb 20, 2021 13:09:59 GMT -5
d7f lenox lachance, bloodbath intro
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I've lived in fear of tomorrow for so long.
Tomorrow is what has shattered my illusions of grandeur. Because nothing seems beautiful in the context of tomorrow — everything becomes insignificant because it could be here today and then gone with the wind. Just like that, the things that keep you going disappear, and in their place is, well, nothing. And really, that's the hardest part. When there's nothing to fill the emptiness, the emptiness is all you can look at and the emptiness is all you can feel.
It's eating away at me, I think, because I'm not even sure I can tell the difference between my nightmares and reality anymore. When I close my eyes, life just seeps past my eyelids and through my pupils, into my mind. Like a flood of darkness that seeks to taint the pretty things, the pretty things which were once so goddamn pretty, they stayed as pretty things. Now, they find themselves falling into the pit in my stomach, getting caught on every web on the way down, hitting every branch of my ribcage. The dust I inhale will settle on their skins until they aren't pretty anymore, they are hopeless shadows of their former selves.
I think the same might be happening to me. I'm barely a person, I've been dead for so many years that I'm just a heart with a body around it. And half the time, I can't even hear that heart beating in my ear, there's no signal that I'm still alive and I've survived everything that has happened — nothing. Nothing except the heaviness attached to every fibre of my being which strings me along until I'm tied up by a guilt so strong, it becomes the only strength I've ever known.
I'm a dead girl. A ghost. The thought of tomorrow killed me a long time ago, and now that tomorrow has finally come — I can't do anything but haunt the skeleton I used to call home. The fear of never knowing but always hoping has made me hellbent on accepting a fate that I don't want to accept.
I don't want to be dead, and I don't want to die.
I've got the same flimsy heart as Reese, the same innate fear as Tobias and I've even got that same sickly sense of hope as Diana. If alone, those things were not enough then together? Together, I am nothing.
I'd give my all to be alive like Lex. I want to be thankful for each year that comes and be thankful for how much more boring I'd become. But when I am nothing and have nothing to give, living like that becomes nothing more than just another dream that will stay as distant as the shooting star I'd wish upon.
But having nothing to give means I have nothing to lose.
There's an entire world that has been crafted with immense detail waiting for me to step foot in it. Tomorrow has manifested itself into a land, and it's going to be cruel, I know that, but maybe I can feel some power knowing it is beneath my feet and I stand upon it with a heart that beats silently, but beats nonetheless, and blood that pumps around my body to keep me moving. It's not the life I imagined for myself and it definitely isn't the life I wanted — but if this is my last chance, I've got to take it.
Tomorrow doesn't even exist anymore. There's only today. I've survived thousands of days, as broken as I am, and I'm still here.
There's been thousands of days where I've seen the stars fade so far into the deepest blue that they are impossible to wish upon. Thousands of days where I've felt the wind come through the window and get chills. Days where I've seen the mist turn the trees into shadows. Days where the crows come out to scream, dreams fly too close to the sun in fear and I force myself to prepare for yet another nightmare.
Dawn always breaks on the same horizon. It's a horizon I've seen, felt, lived and breathed for the past six years.
Is that enough? Will that ever be enough?
I close my eyes so tight, hoping, but always knowing.
I'm as dead as I am alive.
Tomorrow is what has shattered my illusions of grandeur. Because nothing seems beautiful in the context of tomorrow — everything becomes insignificant because it could be here today and then gone with the wind. Just like that, the things that keep you going disappear, and in their place is, well, nothing. And really, that's the hardest part. When there's nothing to fill the emptiness, the emptiness is all you can look at and the emptiness is all you can feel.
It's eating away at me, I think, because I'm not even sure I can tell the difference between my nightmares and reality anymore. When I close my eyes, life just seeps past my eyelids and through my pupils, into my mind. Like a flood of darkness that seeks to taint the pretty things, the pretty things which were once so goddamn pretty, they stayed as pretty things. Now, they find themselves falling into the pit in my stomach, getting caught on every web on the way down, hitting every branch of my ribcage. The dust I inhale will settle on their skins until they aren't pretty anymore, they are hopeless shadows of their former selves.
I think the same might be happening to me. I'm barely a person, I've been dead for so many years that I'm just a heart with a body around it. And half the time, I can't even hear that heart beating in my ear, there's no signal that I'm still alive and I've survived everything that has happened — nothing. Nothing except the heaviness attached to every fibre of my being which strings me along until I'm tied up by a guilt so strong, it becomes the only strength I've ever known.
I'm a dead girl. A ghost. The thought of tomorrow killed me a long time ago, and now that tomorrow has finally come — I can't do anything but haunt the skeleton I used to call home. The fear of never knowing but always hoping has made me hellbent on accepting a fate that I don't want to accept.
I don't want to be dead, and I don't want to die.
I've got the same flimsy heart as Reese, the same innate fear as Tobias and I've even got that same sickly sense of hope as Diana. If alone, those things were not enough then together? Together, I am nothing.
I'd give my all to be alive like Lex. I want to be thankful for each year that comes and be thankful for how much more boring I'd become. But when I am nothing and have nothing to give, living like that becomes nothing more than just another dream that will stay as distant as the shooting star I'd wish upon.
But having nothing to give means I have nothing to lose.
There's an entire world that has been crafted with immense detail waiting for me to step foot in it. Tomorrow has manifested itself into a land, and it's going to be cruel, I know that, but maybe I can feel some power knowing it is beneath my feet and I stand upon it with a heart that beats silently, but beats nonetheless, and blood that pumps around my body to keep me moving. It's not the life I imagined for myself and it definitely isn't the life I wanted — but if this is my last chance, I've got to take it.
Tomorrow doesn't even exist anymore. There's only today. I've survived thousands of days, as broken as I am, and I'm still here.
There's been thousands of days where I've seen the stars fade so far into the deepest blue that they are impossible to wish upon. Thousands of days where I've felt the wind come through the window and get chills. Days where I've seen the mist turn the trees into shadows. Days where the crows come out to scream, dreams fly too close to the sun in fear and I force myself to prepare for yet another nightmare.
Dawn always breaks on the same horizon. It's a horizon I've seen, felt, lived and breathed for the past six years.
Is that enough? Will that ever be enough?
I close my eyes so tight, hoping, but always knowing.
I'm as dead as I am alive.
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lenox enters the bb