for the {b e t t e r} >> jack, mellor
Nov 8, 2013 23:06:38 GMT -5
Post by semper on Nov 8, 2013 23:06:38 GMT -5
I wait anxiously as Jack reads the note. The tears continue to well in my eyes and it only hurts more when I hear Colton’s little happy squeaks coming from the other room. Isn’t this the right thing to do? Sometimes, if you love something enough, you have to let it go. In this case it’s Colton, my little boy.
My posture shrinks down a moment before Jack suddenly comes alive, obviously bewildered by my request. I raise my hand to rub my temples and will myself not to cry anymore. I know he’s my son, dammit! I did intend to keep him, I really did; I still want to more than anything. My hand then clamps down over my eyes as if it’ll hide the fact that I’ve started to cry. It takes a few moments before I’m able to steady myself enough to take my hand down, keeping my gaze lowered. I love Colton but I’m holding him back. This isn’t about food, Jack, it’s about him getting the skills he needs to live a good life and being somewhere safe. I look up at Jack helplessly, plainly displaying a what am I supposed to do? expression. I never said I would just leave Colton – I’m definitely going to stick around for as long as I can without it looking suspicious. I’m going to still keep an eye on him and visit when I can. I’m not going to just suddenly vanish from his life.
I take the notebook back to write down another explanation.
Do you think I don’t know that? I’m not going to just disappear. I’ll stick around, but he needs “normal” people, ones that aren’t avoxed. I was wrong this entire time before I found him, you know. I was only fooling myself when I thought I could keep him and remain out of harm’s way. I found him because I needed to know that he was alright, and he’s better off with me than with his grandfather (who had him), but he’s far better off with you than with me. Besides, if he’s caught with me they’d kill him in an instant. Avoxes aren’t allowed to have children, and since I have no master I can’t pretend he’s my master’s kid. I can’t endanger him anymore. Please, Jack, I need to know that he’ll be safe.
It hurts. A lot. Jack doesn’t know what an Avox’s life is like and how the threat of execution is always looming overhead. I’m pretty sure he would do anything to keep Josh and Briar out of harm’s way, and that’s what I’m trying to do. The only difference is that I have to go about it another way than he would. But the aching in my chest – it’s all too real and much too painful. Sooner or later I am going to have to leave Ten and I want nothing more than to just keep myself wrapped around Colton’s short finger; I want the warm smile that comes to my face when he sticks leaves in my hair, or when we play fight with “antlers;” I want to keep watching his face scrunch up from the bitter taste of blackberries; I want to keep it all. Giving my kid to Jack means I won’t be able to see any of that again, and moreover I’m going to not see him grow up. I’m not going to see his first day of real school, or meet his new friends, see his first crush, hear about his first kiss and how he nearly missed; I’m not going to be able to attend his wedding, or the birth of any of his own kids – none of it. I won’t be there and that’s devastating.
I set my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hand and against my stump, biting back the bitter sob that threatens to escape me. I’ve fought for so long to keep all the emotions bottled up so that Colton wouldn’t see, but now, in front of a friend who’s seen me through thick and thin, my walls are cracking. The emotions are leaking through and I don’t try to stop the tears anymore, but I remain as quiet as possible, trying to not draw attention from Mrs. Lexington or my little boy. I can’t even bear to see his face right now. I shut my eyes tightly, waiting for whatever new retorts Jack will come up with.Graphic credit to Mylee <3